I was minimizing the other day and trying to tell myself that I was feeling better than I really am which is probably part of what motivated me to post this to Facebook:
For whatever reason, Christmas gets me thinking about what I'm grateful for more than Thanksgiving and, sadly, this year it has me thinking about what is weighing on my soul as well.
It's not just the attacks on Planned Parenthood, plane crashes, terrorism, refugees, and climate change... it's more personal things; grief and illness that became far worse than expected and the challenges of new motherhood as well as the growing pains of late twenty-hood as well.
I know this is supposed to be "the happiest season of all" but for those of you that aren't totally feeling that this year, I hear you. I see you. I acknowledge that this time of year can open our hearts to great joy but can also open our hearts to great grief and other intense, sad emotions. That's okay.
Whether you are feeling lonely, angry, sad, grief or loss, frustrated, hopeless, depressed (yes, that's different than sad), suicidal or any other "bad" feelings, know that you are not alone-I am not alone, there are people all over the world that share our experience and validate our experiences even without ever meeting or knowing of us.
Enjoy the holidays as best you can and don't feel bad for feeling bad. If you can, try to jot down some things that you are grateful for, it can really help, and if that doesn't, jot down what's pissing you off-that can really help too!
Feel better soon, be kind to yourself, and know that someone is wishing the best for you right as you read these words.
I could've gone on and though it is a decent length I don't think it's terribly long. I'm not sure how it will be received and I don't care. I am proud of myself for being genuine and not sticking to the "happy things only, it's Facebook" unspoken rule.
In other news, it's been a hard day. Last night my sadness came back (I think I overworked myself with ornaments) and today I was not in the mood to be a mother at all. When Baby Bananaface woke mid-nap and I couldn't get him back down I started losing it. I left him crying in his crib for the longest I ever had and sat in the dining room sobbing and wanting to kill him.
I've grown resentful of him in a way, of motherhood. I enjoy breastfeeding less and less, think of all the things I'd rather be doing more and more. It makes me feel worse than I already do, and I don't need that at all. Books I want to read, organizing and cleaning around the house that I have wanted to accomplish, places I want to go-they all glare at me, grind and grate on me.
Something has to change but I feel powerless to make that happen. I'm sad, I'm mad, and I'm sick of the battle... sick of pretending I'm okay enough to get by when I just want to quit and run away.
Today is a bad day. Today-today is a bad day.