Tuesday, December 8, 2015

I Was Brave and Vulnerable/Life Sucks

I was minimizing the other day and trying to tell myself that I was feeling better than I really am which is probably part of what motivated me to post this to Facebook:

For whatever reason, Christmas gets me thinking about what I'm grateful for more than Thanksgiving and, sadly, this year it has me thinking about what is weighing on my soul as well. 

It's not just the attacks on Planned Parenthood, plane crashes, terrorism, refugees, and climate change... it's more personal things; grief and illness that became far worse than expected and the challenges of new motherhood as well as the growing pains of late twenty-hood as well. 

I know this is supposed to be "the happiest season of all" but for those of you that aren't totally feeling that this year, I hear you. I see you. I acknowledge that this time of year can open our hearts to great joy but can also open our hearts to great grief and other intense, sad emotions. That's okay. 

Whether you are feeling lonely, angry, sad, grief or loss, frustrated, hopeless, depressed (yes, that's different than sad), suicidal or any other "bad" feelings, know that you are not alone-I am not alone, there are people all over the world that share our experience and validate our experiences even without ever meeting or knowing of us.

Enjoy the holidays as best you can and don't feel bad for feeling bad. If you can, try to jot down some things that you are grateful for, it can really help, and if that doesn't, jot down what's pissing you off-that can really help too!

Feel better soon, be kind to yourself, and know that someone is wishing the best for you right as you read these words.

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I could've gone on and though it is a decent length I don't think it's terribly long. I'm not sure how it will be received and I don't care. I am proud of myself for being genuine and not sticking to the "happy things only, it's Facebook" unspoken rule.

In other news, it's been a hard day. Last night my sadness came back (I think I overworked myself with ornaments) and today I was not in the mood to be a mother at all. When Baby Bananaface woke mid-nap and I couldn't get him back down I started losing it. I left him crying in his crib for the longest I ever had and sat in the dining room sobbing and wanting to kill him.

I've grown resentful of him in a way, of motherhood. I enjoy breastfeeding less and less, think of all the things I'd rather be doing more and more. It makes me feel worse than I already do, and I don't need that at all. Books I want to read, organizing and cleaning around the house that I have wanted to accomplish, places I want to go-they all glare at me, grind and grate on me. 

Something has to change but I feel powerless to make that happen. I'm sad, I'm mad, and I'm sick of the battle... sick of pretending I'm okay enough to get by when I just want to quit and run away. 

Today is a bad day. Today-today is a bad day.


18 comments:

  1. Hugs.
    No, you are not alone. So not alone.
    I volunteer on a crisis line and the holiday periods (all of them) are our busiest. So many people hurting. So many people struggling. So many people feeling alone.
    Today is bad, but I so hope tomorrow is better. Much better.

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    1. Thank you EC, this is good to hear, sad to know, but good to hear if that makes any sense :)

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  2. Dear Hannah, you need some help. New motherhood is overwhelming. Is there anyone you can call when your little one won't stop crying and you're losing it? I remember that feeling so well. You did well to walk away. But real human help you can call on can be such a relief, whether paid help or help related by blood or love. Thanks for your honesty here. I'm pretty sad right now too. We will get through it. xo

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    1. I hope you feel better soon too!

      I am paralyzed when it comes to help and sad to say that I just don't have the support I need in the form of family and friends. Tomorrow BB is going to a drop-in daycare for the morning so I can have some time just to be me. As far as long term support, I think we would have to find some sort of paid help.

      As for calling someone, it hardly ever occurs to me! I freeze up and get stuck in misery but I have thought about some hotlines I have yet to try... it makes me nervous but I think I need to try.

      Thanks for reading and your comments, I am hoping that you feel better soon too :)

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  3. Call someone---MIL, babysitter, friend and let them help. You are not alone and you don't need to be. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks e :) It is becoming more and more clear to me that I need to get in the habit of calling when I'm in crisis instead of getting mired in my miserable sludge mood. I must make a change

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  4. Christmas is a very hard time of year for me, Hannah, because I have no children, no siblings, no spouse and no parents. Let it out, holding it in is no good at all, and if anyone asks you not to cry, tell them to buzz off. LOL! I agree you need some help with things, but you know this already, because I have mentioned it before. Don't be shy, ask! If you don't ask nobody knows your needs. Sending you a warm hug and much love.

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    1. Thank you Linda, for your honesty and your understanding. It is so true, "if you don't ask nobody knows your needs," and I have been living in a world where my needs are unknown for quite some time. Thank you <3

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  5. You need a lot of support and even more understanding. Reach out for it, demand it if you must. For you and your baby. Hugs to you. Lots of them. And a wish for better days. This must be exhausting for you. I'm so sorry you are going through it.

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    1. Thanks Martha, your words are inspiring! Demand is a good word for me to channel in these times.

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    2. Yes, everything Martha said. You need to reach out and get help and support. If you really have feelings of killing your child, then you need to tell a professional and get the right kind of help.

      I'm sorry you're going through this.

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    3. Thanks Whisk, I am going to bring it up with my therapist this afternoon!

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  6. I don't think any part of our life is supposed to be "the best part of our life". I think we can have great moments during our days but most of life for a lot of people is just a struggle.
    I do love what you wrote. I am so glad that you are one of those people in my life that "know".

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    1. <3

      I think you are right about the struggle. I think Jerry Seinfeld said something on some episode of "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" to the effect of everyone is so freaked out about death they spend their lives avoiding thinking about it or being afraid of it, yet really, what a relief it will be to let go of the rat race and the struggle and the pain. I wish I had the context and quote but you get the idea. Ever since I heard that I have felt a bit.... more relaxed (which for me apparently still looks like an anxious wreck, but still) I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's what came up for me!

      Honored to "know" and be "known" :)

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    2. I totally get what you mean. xo

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  7. Okay, this has gone on long enough. Pack your bags, H + BB, and come over to Holland. I'll babysit. Not sure about those 'blow outs' tho... do they mean what I think they mean? IIIeeeuuuuwwwww! Might leave those for H then.
    But seriously, I hope you manage to find some support. I know - asking is much harder than giving! Especially when you're down and out. So maybe a more structured plan? So that you know in advance when there is help around, or BB at the daycare, so you can look forward to some me-time?

    Giving advice is also really easy... and not often helpful...

    You are doing great, you are, even if you are feeling like shit. xxx

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    1. Thanks Elsewhere :) Support is tough. I think you are right about more structure, that would be a great thing for us. We are struggling to get that framework and consistency up, instead we're just bumbling along hoping things fall into place but I think we need to put them into place instead of waiting and bumbling.

      And yes, I would totally understand if you forewent the blowouts, they are very "IIIeeeuuuuwwwww!" :)

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF