Sunday, December 20, 2015

Surprise! *barf*

Today was my family gift exchange. A gift exchange that my sister routinely avoids and disparages, pointing out that our extended family is not that close. Not news to anyone, but sometimes it's fun and the hubs and I have always gone. Not a second thought this year, simply a to-do to attend the exchange but guess who showed up for the first time in years? with her new baby and baby daddy? My sister.

The big stink (in my hubby's opinion) was getting no heads up from my mother who knows that my sister is a trigger for me. He's pissed. We're even less likely to visit my parents for Christmas (still can't decide on a firm no) now as being around my sister was unpleasant and upsetting for me. The shaking subsided pretty quickly but the knot in my gut persisted. I couldn't look at her or the baby, I just tried to focus on the exchange moving along and getting out of there.

I cried on the way home. Angry at myself for feeling that way and thinking it was stupid of me to have such a reaction, angry at my mother for not having my interests in mind even a little bit, and sad to think of disappointing my dad by not being home for Christmas.

All that said, I feel like I'm not totally bottoming out. Sad and disappointed, but hanging in there. I hope it stays that way. Not the best way to end the weekend though, especially with the psychiatrist already recommended having the baby in daycare Monday because of a change in my harmful thoughts a couple times. More mess to my life. Tomorrow could be rough, but we'll have to wait and see and be careful.

****

Okay, maybe it's just a delayed onset cuz I'm starting to feel angry and weepy and tense! Ergh....

15 comments:

  1. Angry and weepy and tense sounds like a completely reasonable reaction to me. Hiss and spit.
    Hugs.
    Always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hiss and spit makes me wanna claw eyeballs too! Rawr!

      Thanks EC :)

      Delete
  2. dear hannah, i don't know the back story so i don't know why your sister triggers you and i know better than to act like you can just stop feeling whatever it is you're feeling. but be gentle with yourself and let the feelings wash on through, and hopefully out, leaving peace in their wake. this is my wish for you tonight. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This such a lovely message, thank you. I will try to let my feelings be and not judge them.

      The back story goes back quite a bit (lots of sibling rivalry) but the major development was her "accidentally" getting pregnant just as I delivered and I was told not to feel like she was stealing my thunder while I then felt abandoned to ravages of postpartum depression. That's the gist at least.... so she's a trigger and attached to a bevy of heavy emotions for me. I'm still working it all out.

      Delete
  3. Take care of yourself and as Paddington said, be gentle. Focus on making the holiday nice for you, BB and husband...the rest can be icing on the cake or not but your family comes first now. Hugs...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. So difficult but so necessary to be gentle. It's tough focusing on the holiday just around us three, when my family usually plays such a big role, but I'm trying :) Thanks e

      Delete
  4. Tough day, Hannah, for sure. The nice thing is that each day comes to an end. I hope your next one is much better. Dealing with family, especially when there are issues, can be very difficult. I'm sorry you have to experience that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thought of an angry cat (my Romeo) come to mind...I empathize. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Family triggers are so complicated. For years I was triggered by my biological father. I only see the man a few times a year but I didn't want to be completely estranged from him all together. Things have settled down now that he is getting older but I used to dread Christmas because of it.
    I am proud of you for getting through it. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Birdie, I hope that I don't have years of Christmas dread ahead! I'm glad yours has settled down :)

      Delete
  7. I can so relate. This past March my family of origin disowned me for speaking up about a violent brother. It has taken me nearly a year to work my way through this particular dysfunction. Good for you for making safe decisions for yourself. Huge achievement.

    XO
    WWW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Im sorry for your pain but glad to hear that you were able to work though it :) Thanks for the encouragement.

      Delete
  8. Your mom sounds toxic. For that, I'm sorry.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF