I'm not feeling very well today. Lots of bad thoughts toward BB and dragging. Don't want to shower, don't want to leave the house, don't want to do ANYTHING!
I can't bring myself to start laundry or do dishes, but I think I can bring myself to plunk away at some writing prompts. I hope trying to occupy my mind will help with the depressed mood. Good thing it's Thursday!
This week's Thursday Trauma writing prompt words from Delores at Under the Porch Light:
tinsel, snowflakes, storefront, efficient, tinkling, spellbound
velvet, parcels, rustic, whirling, savory, heated
cast iron, raging, stockpile, intense, gingerbread, maintain
Hannah carefully dried and oiled the cast iron pan before heaving it back into its designated cupboard below the drawer of measuring cups and baking tools. She fought back waves of shame as she smelled the lingering odor of three day old steak residue in the air.
The steak had turned out well and she was proud of herself for going through the effort to make a decent dinner, but doing the dishes afterward had proved too much. So much had proved to be too much of late. A dirty cast iron pan sitting out for three days was nothing compared to the laundry pile that had been growing for nearly ten days. Thank goodness she stockpiled underwear.
Shaking her head and cursing the raging depression that had hijacked her life, Hannah turned to her next project and felt the tightness in her throat relax. She always enjoyed making gingerbread cookies; the rich color of the dough, the spicy scents, the physicality of rolling out and cutting out the cookies then carefully scraping the delightful shapes off the sticky counter. It was always a challenge to get the cookies to the baking sheet without warping the gingerbread men's limbs or ripping off a head entirely but the meditative quality of the work was soothing.
Hannah found herself feeling misty as she unwrapped the softened butter and dropped it into her aluminum mixing bowl. So many things had lost their color lately, their joy; she hoped this would not prove lackluster as well. The depth of this depression was such that she couldn't fight back with her usual, practiced intensity. She hadn't been able to cut it off at the pass, prevent the slide all the way down as she had in previous episodes. It was demoralizing, embarrassing, and heartbreaking.
She whipped butter and sugar together and reflected on the past few years. There were several months of healthy living strung together here and there, but so much of her past was speckled with depression it made her dread the future. Suddenly the depression clutched at the rational thought and wrenched into an aching prophecy. Tears sprung to her eyes and she clenched her fists, tensing against the miserable thoughts that scrambled to overtake her mind. Day in and day out she navigated these terrors, the ceaseless battle exhausting and demoralizing.
Clicking off the mixer she sunk to her heels and then slumped backward onto her butt, leaning over to rest her head on her knees as she sat in the middle of the kitchen and let the tears flow. The medication wasn't working, she was floundering and felt so weak and overwhelmed it seemed like she would never regain her equilibrium. Bitterly, Hannah thought of "all those normal people" maintaining "normal" lives and mentally kicked herself for being so broken.
The smell of butter and sugar wafted down to her and she scoffed. Normal wasn't anything but an illusion. Everyone had their struggles. She wasn't alone, she belonged more than any image of perfected domesticity or idealized beauty. This was a world of strife and grit, not the refined images the media clung to with such misguided desire.
Her tears subsided and the dark fog dissipated long enough for her get up and resume her baking project. How long she would have in the light, she didn't know, but at least this barrage was short lived.
And at least she had gingerbread cookies to bake.
Little more personal with this one, but it felt good to write it out a little bit. Still a bit... repressed but I got some feeling out.
And oddly enough, it was on my schedule to make gingerbread cookie dough today! And sugar cookie for the hubs as we are doing a cookie exchange this weekend :) I hope it goes well.
Pictures of our outing to the Zoolights thing tomorrow....