Monday, December 14, 2015


I am sipping sage tea twice a day, skipping nursing sessions and swapping in bottles, sometimes using my pump and using bottles instead of boobs, learning how to cuddle and feed with a bottle; little by little making the shift to a nursing free existence.

It's sad. It's thrilling. It's confusing.

My heart aches as I think of my son never returning to my breast and alternately, I rejoice at the prospect of having my body back; no more engorgement, no more leaking, no more nursing, no quibbling over my bra or shirt choice in the morning.

It was a rough decision for me and it's still one that I have to recommit to every so often because I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do, only time will tell.

Nursing in the hospital,
just about to touch hands
and reconnect.

It feels like a relief so far, which is encouraging and the biggest part of why I decided weaning was the way to go: I needed relief. I have become so reduced by my illness that I don't feel as if I do much at all but nonetheless I am overwhelmed. Cutting out breastfeeding will hopefully help relieve some stress and pressure from my life, I think just making the decision to wean has done some of that.

Not every session, but lately quite frequently nursing has been very frustrating. I get angry and feel trapped, think about other things I could be doing or other, darker thoughts. Every so often it's the beautiful, wondrous, peaceful thing that it once was and that is what I grieve. But the prospect of releasing myself from the tortuous sessions and anxieties over supply and engorgement and growth spurts and biting, that feels like such a gift, a gift to give myself.... and hopefully if my health improves, then a gift in turn for my family.

He was so "little" here...

So much grieving in my life lately. Funny, grief seems like when they send you home with your baby. You can't believe there aren't instructions or a course to qualify as a parent or rules, it just is. That's grief. No rules, no directions, no qualifications, you just have to grapple with it. But boy, I want to learn more about this grief monster!

In other news, my period is on and I'm a raging sugerhund. Chocolate beware, I'm on yer trail. Oh, and cookies... lotso cookies.


  1. If it feels like relief it is the right decision. Which doesn't make it any easier.
    And wouldn't life be easier if there was a rule book. Just knowing what to expect would help instead of just muddling along...

    1. Thanks EC :) Yes, the messy muddling along gets to me a lot!

  2. I personally think life would be boring if we knew exactly what was going to happen and when and how, but this is my personal view, and this is coming from me, who is uncomfortable around changes and new things, too! :) Love your photo, Hannah.

    1. Sounds so adventuresome for someone "uncomfortable around changes and new things" :) It's a good way to look I things I think

  3. Are all the cookies in your house, hiding from you?

    1. Oh no, they were right out in the open, it was a slaughter really!

  4. If I was closer, Hannah, I'd drop by with some coconut macaroons I made today. So delicious. Unless you're not a fan of macaroons. Or coconuts :)

    Being a parent is such a difficult job. We question all the decisions we make when they involve our kids. I'm afraid that this will follow you for the rest of your life! Sorry...

    1. Macaroons! Yum!

      I figured as much about the following me for the rest of my life and wondering! No apologies necessary :) You're just a messenger!


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF