Saturday, January 30, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Being fresh out of the hospital myself I was feeling pretty raw. It's not typical in my family to be blubbery but I couldn't help it and thankfully I wasn't alone; my cousin, uncle, and mom were all emotional too. Good riddance. I am glad we could all appreciate the impact my aunt had in our lives, I'm glad it wasn't minimized. That happens a bit too much in my family.
Somehow the memorial brought up a lot of emotions regarding my hospitalization and depression, my frustrations surrounding being sick and struggling in my own life; feelings of shame and concern about getting my life in order and being there for my husband and son and family. Somehow the horror of my depression, the potential of my suicide, was only revealed in the shadow of my aunt's death and weighed upon me this evening.
The hubs reassured me that I'm doing all the right things; ECT, therapy, medication, hospitalization, we're looking into NAMI support groups, childcare. It's a bit overwhelming, I feel like I'm a bit outmatched but I also see his point, I can only do so much at a time, all the right things still take time to fall into place.
In the mean time, I must be kind and gentle with myself. I'm still in the midst of intensive ECT treatment and adjusting to life outside the hospital again... Life's twists and turns, I tell ya.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
I'm still having a hard time gauging my feelings but I'm chalking it up to ECT and hoping that things will become clearer in the next few sessions.
I was chatting with some of the other patients and it's a little crazy imagining being back home soon and maybe never seeing them again. It's sad. I know we don't necessarily have much in common other than being in this psych ward at the same time but it seems important to know each other, we support each other, it's something special. I appreciate them.
That said, there is one gal that creeps me the heck out. As far as I can gather she's here for streaking and is in some legal trouble. She kept asking me my name and when I got here.... definitely a little off. Always seems like there is one chick here that bugs me to some degree, minimum. I guess that's just Murphy's Law or something?
Saturday, January 23, 2016
There are a few people here that I have swapped contact information with and hope to see sometime in the future. Making friends is so confusing and nerve-wracking for me. Guess we'll just see what happens, I can't get too caught up in it or I'll be paralyzed.
Been thinking about my aunt and feeling sad that she's gone. I didn't want to see her sick, I didn't want to have that memory stuck in my brain but part of me is sad that I didn't get to spend more time with her. I haven't decided if I'm going to go to the memorial or not. I would be going on my own and I wouldn't be able to drive because of ECT.... BB couldn't come because of the smoking in the house, not that I want to be exposed either hmmm. I'm not sure. I think I will but I guess we'll see.
In other news my sister has broken up with her baby daddy as it seems he was scoping out other chicks on the internet. She's moving back in with my parents. I must admit that I felt a sort of sick pride in my prediction being proven right, well, not quite a prediction but thinking that it was a 50/50 shot that my sister would end up moving back in with my folks and the baby.
Not exactly the best news for my folks! I'm sure seeing your grandkids is nice to a certain extent but losing sleep and being wrangled into babysitting right and left, questionable.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
In other news, I'm feeling kinda blah. I want to go home but I don't quite feel up to that yet. I go to groups and participate in a minimal fashion but I don't feel as interested or involved as I have before.
Don't feel like the ECT is doing anything yet, the doc says we're probably gonna have to give it til the end of the week at least. Ugh. Looking forward to extra sleepy time tomorrow but not the pain.
Blah blah blah.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
I've named this pink beauty Heinrich. I was really close to getting stuck in my hand but I've heard that sucks so I whined a bit and the IV nurse admitted that I did have another vein in my arm after all.
Today was a rough day for me. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was suicidal and really negative. Got to brekkie close to two hours late after my nurse rustled me outta bed. Despite my low mood and high anxiety I stayed in the common area for the football game (we lost) and worked on a puzzle.
This afternoon the hubs came by. Was nice just being the two of us for a bit, having the baby with my folks. Later my mom and friend S came by. I hadn't seen S in a long time, I was so glad she reached out and came to visit.
My mood is still low. I'm not looking forward to having this catheter in my arm and doing treatments and waiting around and having headaches and throat aches and missing meals but there isn't much choice. The hubs said the nurse says that the low mood is a good sign, that we have to go through the dark to get to the light sort of thing.
I could do without.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Even that paragraph was flippin' queer as hell---and they ain't even changed my drugs or nuthin.
So that's a taste of where I'm at.
Talked with the doctor today and there is a newer drug option or the ECT option or the TMS option.
Talked with the hubs and BB (well, ya know, he crawled all over the conversation) and we decided this time ECT is where we need to go with treatment.
It's a bit scary. The procedure, a little bit, but the possibility of success and the pressure of having a life to live is scary too. I am in a place where I've given up, I'm all out not all in, the possibility of taking back responsibility for a broken life when I've been prepared to hand it over like an expired credit card...
Lots of confused feelings.
Funny food note (cuz that's what I do when I'm in a hospital) I ordered angel food cake with raspberry sauce and got a teensy container of raspberry sauce. I guess I circled the sauce part but not the cake? It was pretty funny seeing the conspicuous space for the cake part on my tray. I think someone was feeling crabby down in food services! No cake for Hannah!
Jello tomorrow. Orange. :)
Thanks for reading as I figure this out.
Monday, January 11, 2016
I'm back on the inside. Same hospital as last summer and I believe the same room my friend and fellow blogger had (odd and funny).
Thursday night my mood dipped and by Sunday I had a plan, notes, date, method and was researching for a shopping list. It was bad. The hubs caught on since I got super calm and happy all of a sudden and after we talked I emailed the psychiatrist and therapist.
Instead of driving to therapy I walked the hour walk. Turns out it worked out to not have an extra car because my therapist is mandated to report when she feels someone is a threat to themselves or others and she had the hubs pick me up and take me to the ER.
Treatment plan up in the air, meet with doc tomorrow and want to talk with my psychiatrist too. I have heard ECT which is scary. I don't feel like it's that bad but everyone around me seems to think so.
I think my brain is in kill mode and I can't fully process everything. Right now I think my family would be better off without me and it just seems obvious! (as I suppose the hubs and my docs and my friends would say it's obvious that that's wrong!)
So. Here we go again.
I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone.
Ordered enchiladas for tomorrow but no jello yet.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Although I must say I slept pretty well on the couch.
Feeling slightly better. We'll see if I can stay outta the rut. Yesterday was bad.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
I was primed to be brought down into the depths because Tuesday the hubs started "Ferberizing" Baby Bananaface behind my back while I was out at yoga (it's like cry it out). The next night he sent me out for groceries around the baby's bedtime to avoid me hearing the crying but I came back (it took over an hour for him to get to bed) and heard it.
It made me sick to my stomach. Not just the crying, the betrayal and subjugation by my husband. I was sick to my stomach and mad as hell and muted. I feel like a non-entity. What do I matter if my opinions are ignored my feelings are meaningless and my well being is conditional upon others' convenience?
So it was no surprise that today was a dark day for me. I spent most of my afternoon in bed, lying in misery with my eyes shut or dozing (bonus) and for a brief moment or two writing down specific ways I could kill myself without much hassle.
The darkness was comfortable today. I cried a little as my thoughts descended into blackness but then was relieved at the comfort of ending my struggle. I was so disappointed and mad and frustrated with my husband I no longer cared how he found my body (in what state) and I felt so distanced from Baby Bananaface I simply had to think about him getting a new, better mother and I was so relieved.
I am curious if I die before a certain time if it would count as a postpartum death or if it would be Bipolar II? Do they even mark such things? Or is it simply suicide-yadda yadda? That would seem awfully short sighted, but who knows with the government?
Been thinking about calling a hotline and just don't know what I would say. I won't talk to the hubby beyond functional words and I refused dinner.... SIGH Guess it's my meds, Cream of Wheat, and Golden Girls. Maybe I'll shake it up with King of the Hill.
Losing the battle today, we'll see about tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Monday, January 4, 2016
I've been feeling so shitty for so long I forgot about the wonderful months that kicked off 2015.
Being joyously albeit physically uncomfortably pregnant in January and most of February. The amazing birth of my son and the wonderful first few months that transformed us into a family and brought my husband and me closer than ever before. So many firsts and so many little, glorious moments when I felt like I was finally doing what I was meant to do, that I had done something so right it could justify a lifetime.
And then the sneaky slide in late spring that turned into a pained summer and a crashing rock bottom by August. Swathes of my memories are warped or erased from the fall, the winter bad still with the only relief in hiding away from the first family that had once seemed like my only support.
It was a confusing and painful year for the most part, but those first few months were amazing (I think a bit of that was due to hypomania, but still).
Here we go 2016. Here we go medication. Here we go, finding ME again.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Lying in bed I thought of two ladies. First, my friend Birdie as she prepares for surgery. I imagined every snowflake as a bit of luck for her. Second, I thought of my aunt and how this snow shower might be her last. It made me sad and yet I don't feel bad for taking care of myself and not going out of my way to connect with her. I am not well enough to be crusading after others... not that I should be pouring myself out to those that offer no refills!
In other news, my mood seems to be okay lately with less dark spots, but dark, dark spots. It's so easy for my mind to go to those bad spaces very fast. My better mood is quite often counterbalanced by exhaustion and I've been spending more time in bed in the afternoon. I also think my anxiety has been affecting my sleep so I've been tired to start out with, just the exhaustion in the afternoon descends upon me so quickly it's something special-a very abrupt, "nope, no more, that's all she's got!" and I must recline. I can't nap, but I lie down with my eyes closed.
I have been withdrawn a bit lately... I think I am still feeling the sting of rejection following the holidays and not having any Christmas with my family, well the traditional Christmas. I did see my dad and brother at a tennis facility. Ho ho ho.
I must try not to dwell on this, especially my mother and my sister, they pain me so, repeating thoughts only do more harm. Pink elephants! But I need to grieve I think... so difficult to let the sadness out. Grr.
Side note, the hubs and I listened to "The Martian" on audiobook and it was fabulous! I was laughing out loud and alternately clinging to his hand and we both agree that we enjoyed the book more than the movie. We had seen the movie first and thought it was fabulous but the book blew it out of the water.