Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Here and....

Queer. That's a good word for it. I don't feel sick/crazy and yet part of me, somehow I know that I'm sick/crazy. It's a queer feeling. A powerless feeling yet threatening, like if the dark side gets to powerful suddenly I'll be a suicidal raptor no one can catch.

Even that paragraph was flippin' queer as hell---and they ain't even changed my drugs or nuthin.

So that's a taste of where I'm at.

Talked with the doctor today and there is a newer drug option or the ECT option or the TMS option.

Talked with the hubs and BB (well, ya know, he crawled all over the conversation) and we decided this time ECT is where we need to go with treatment.

It's a bit scary. The procedure, a little bit, but the possibility of success and the pressure of having a life to live is scary too. I am in a place where I've given up, I'm all out not all in, the possibility of taking back responsibility for a broken life when I've been prepared to hand it over like an expired credit card...

Lots of confused feelings.

Funny food note (cuz that's what I do when I'm in a hospital) I ordered angel food cake with raspberry sauce and got a teensy container of raspberry sauce. I guess I circled the sauce part but not the cake? It was pretty funny seeing the conspicuous space for the cake part on my tray. I think someone was feeling crabby down in food services! No cake for Hannah!

Jello tomorrow. Orange. :)

Thanks for reading as I figure this out.


  1. Even when you are struggling you write sooooo well. I can just see that suicidal raptor. And I hope it is tethered and/or tamed.
    Hugs and caring. And cake to go with the sauce. Orange jello? I always go for the red.

  2. Yes, how you can write. Even when you are at your most unwell you continue to be brilliant.
    Red jello? Oh, E.C. Red? Red is the last on the list of jellos to choose. Purple is good. So is orange. But who is so literal that they forgot your cake?

  3. No cake??? Ofcourse you're feeling queer!
    I can so relate to the 'having to live a live is scary'. I only can tell you there are better lives to live, and that I have every confidence that you will get there.
    You are working / cooperating so hard - there will be a positive result.
    lots of love

  4. I so wish I had great words of wisdom and comfort for you....all I can offer is my thoughts and prayers and hopes for a brilliant future for you. Jelly eh? Hmmmm....I wonder if that's on my diet? Take care my dear. This storm will pass.

  5. Your writing is amazing, Hannah. You really know yourself. I think this is a great thing. Take good care of YOU. And remember to circle your food choices :)

  6. i'm here. i have no magic words but i'm here and wanted you to know.

  7. Along with all of the other work you're doing, you've discovered your inner writer and you deserve cake and hugs and not to feel desperate. Hugs to you!


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF