Saturday, January 23, 2016

How am I feeling?

I'm having a difficult time gauging my feelings... I'm looking forward to going home but I'm also nervous about making a successful transition. I think I am feeling better but I still feel like my brain is indecisive, confused, jumbled with anxiety and depression. I have a hard time letting that be, not freaking out about my state of being, not feeling like a failure or dysfunctional.

There are a few people here that I have swapped contact information with and hope to see sometime in the future. Making friends is so confusing and nerve-wracking for me. Guess we'll just see what happens, I can't get too caught up in it or I'll be paralyzed.

Been thinking about my aunt and feeling sad that she's gone. I didn't want to see her sick, I didn't want to have that memory stuck in my brain but part of me is sad that I didn't get to spend more time with her. I haven't decided if I'm going to go to the memorial or not. I would be going on my own and I wouldn't be able to drive because of ECT.... BB couldn't come because of the smoking in the house, not that I want to be exposed either hmmm. I'm not sure. I think I will but I guess we'll see.

In other news my sister has broken up with her baby daddy as it seems he was scoping out other chicks on the internet. She's moving back in with my parents. I must admit that I felt a sort of sick pride in my prediction being proven right, well, not quite a prediction but thinking that it was a 50/50 shot that my sister would end up moving back in with my folks and the baby.

Not exactly the best news for my folks! I'm sure seeing your grandkids is nice to a certain extent but losing sleep and being wrangled into babysitting right and left, questionable.


4 comments:

  1. Take one day at a time, Hannah. Sending you a warm hug.

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  2. Try (I know it's hard) to just be where your feet are. Tuesday is a long way away. If Tuesday rolls around and you are not ready you can deal with it then.

    My guess is your sister and boyfriend will get back together. It is like they said in Seinfeld. "Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over." And also, we women can do a stupid shit when it comes to relationships. Sometimes it takes years to ditch the assholes.

    Sorry about your aunt. xo

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  3. Your sister and your parents will work it out......our daughter came home with a baby too.....you find your equilibrium eventually.
    Take care my dear...one day at a time...if you are not ready to go home you will have to just say so. My condolences on the loss of your aunt,

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  4. One day at a time, sweet girl; that's all any of us can handle. And concentrate on your well being so you may heal. I'm actually sorry to hear about your sister...for the child's sake. Grownups make bad decisions and end up in difficult situations that the innocents end up paying a price for. I hope it works out and that baby gets all the love it deserves to grow up healthy and happy.

    And I'm also very sorry about your aunt. My sympathy to you and all her loved ones.

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Be well, HBF