Monday, January 11, 2016

I feel like a huge fat loser....

I'm back on the inside. Same hospital as last summer and I believe the same room my friend and fellow blogger had (odd and funny).

Thursday night my mood dipped and by Sunday I had a plan, notes, date, method and was researching for a shopping list. It was bad. The hubs caught on since I got super calm and happy all of a sudden and after we talked I emailed the psychiatrist and therapist.

Instead of driving to therapy I walked the hour walk. Turns out it worked out to not have an extra car because my therapist is mandated to report when she feels someone is a threat to themselves or others and she had the hubs pick me up and take me to the ER.

Treatment plan up in the air, meet with doc tomorrow and want to talk with my psychiatrist too. I have heard ECT which is scary. I don't feel like it's that bad but everyone around me seems to think so.

I think my brain is in kill mode and I can't fully process everything. Right now I think my family would be better off without me and it just seems obvious! (as I suppose the hubs and my docs and my friends would say it's obvious that that's wrong!)

So. Here we go again.

I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone.


Ordered enchiladas for tomorrow but no jello yet.

9 comments:

  1. Not disappointed with you at all. Not one iota. Sad for you and with you - which is very different.
    Hugs.

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  2. Lovely hannah, you need some extra and support and you are wise, sane and courageous enough to accept it.
    Love

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  4. I'm sorry it's gotten so bad for you, Hannah, and I totally understand (I should share my PPD story one day). I am not disappointed at all just concerned. And grateful that you are here with us and being taken care of. I hope that you receive the support and care and love that you need to get better. Hang in there. When you are feeling like you can't go on, give it one more day. And then on that day, give it one more. Hugs to you xo

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  5. You could not disappoint me! I am so proud of you. You are strong and brave and not at all a fat loser. God, that Black Dog is a fucking liar! Makes me so angry that a beautiful, intelligent, funny, creative and talented woman can believe such lies. But I do understand. I do. That Dog is so very clever. Clever and insidious.
    You are in a good place and ECT, though scary, is very successful.
    Hang in there chickadee.

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  6. Not disappointed.....just glad you are where you can get some help. I will be thinking of you and sending happy healing thoughts your way. Be strong.

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  7. How are you doing, sweet girl?

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  8. Thanks all.

    Birdie, I am a low okay. Tired and nervous to see doc but actually felt hungry so that's good. Mood still low but no surprise there! Hope you are feeling well yourself especially for surgery reasons

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  9. No disappointment here, either. Sending more hugs and concern your way!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF