Thursday, January 7, 2016

Losing the Battle (trigger warning: downer post)

Today I visited my psychiatrist. It felt like more of the same and I answered her questions but didn't care much about "the plan." I think the plan is going up on the lamictal and seeing if that works but her questions about my well being made me so sad I didn't even bother listening. It's all written up on a sheet she prints out before I leave anyways.

I was primed to be brought down into the depths because Tuesday the hubs started "Ferberizing" Baby Bananaface behind my back while I was out at yoga (it's like cry it out). The next night he sent me out for groceries around the baby's bedtime to avoid me hearing the crying but I came back (it took over an hour for him to get to bed) and heard it.

It made me sick to my stomach. Not just the crying, the betrayal and subjugation by my husband. I was sick to my stomach and mad as hell and muted. I feel like a non-entity. What do I matter if my opinions are ignored my feelings are meaningless and my well being is conditional upon others' convenience?

So it was no surprise that today was a dark day for me. I spent most of my afternoon in bed, lying in misery with my eyes shut or dozing (bonus) and for a brief moment or two writing down specific ways I could kill myself without much hassle.

The darkness was comfortable today. I cried a little as my thoughts descended into blackness but then was relieved at the comfort of ending my struggle. I was so disappointed and mad and frustrated with my husband I no longer cared how he found my body (in what state) and I felt so distanced from Baby Bananaface I simply had to think about him getting a new, better mother and I was so relieved.

I am curious if I die before a certain time if it would count as a postpartum death or if it would be Bipolar II? Do they even mark such things? Or is it simply suicide-yadda yadda? That would seem awfully short sighted, but who knows with the government?

Been thinking about calling a hotline and just don't know what I would say. I won't talk to the hubby beyond functional words and I refused dinner.... SIGH Guess it's my meds, Cream of Wheat, and Golden Girls. Maybe I'll shake it up with King of the Hill.

Losing the battle today, we'll see about tomorrow.

15 comments:

  1. Oh Hannah.
    Please call the crisis line. If you don't know what to say you could start by reading them this post.
    I so hope that tomorrow is better. And love that you reached out here.
    As always, you are in my heart.

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  3. Hannah, yes, please do call the crisis line. Don't let yourself spiral so down that you can't find your way up! Sending you much love and warm hugs.

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  4. How's today?
    Does the crisis line have a chat option? I found it worked a lot better for me than talking on the phone.
    Thinking of you,
    love,

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  5. Oh Hannah, please call the crisis line. I wish I knew the right words to say. I don't so I'll only say your baby needs you, you're the best mother he can possibly have.

    Elsewhere, can you share your crisis line with chat option with Hannah (and everyone).

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  6. Read the above comments....I agree......call the crisis line...

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  7. 37, it's not much use, as I live in The Netherlands...

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  8. Thanks all, BB is at daycare today so I think I will have the time to give the line a try

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  9. Good on you Hannah. Things WILL get better!
    Love

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  10. Good on you Hannah. Things WILL get better!
    Love

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  11. I am getting to this post late. I think calling someone sounds like a really good idea. You are doing so much on your own and there is help out there. Sending you so much love. xo

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  12. I am so late to this post! I think it's best to call someone and talk it out. Whatever comes to your mind. I hope things get better!

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  13. Just checking in to see how today is treating you. Hugs.

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  14. Still rough, laid in bed all day. The hubs got me to eat something beside cereal products. Just ughhhhh thanks for checking in

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  15. Hi Hannah, thanks for letting us know. A day in bed is no sin. If it's all you can do right now, that's what it is. Things never stay the same.
    love

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF