Monday, February 1, 2016

Just Rip My Heart Out

Today is a sad day. It's sad because I was hopeful not so long ago but have found myself revisited by the grimness of Depression past. I know that I'm still in the throes of this episode, battling for my future, but this  backslide is so disappointing.

Last week I went to my aunt's memorial and felt so emotional, so grief-stricken, not just for her loss but for how close I came to ending my life and bringing such grief about in my own way. I remember looking into my son's eyes and playing with him, watching him show off his new walking skills like it was nothing to him, being awash in feelings of gratitude instead of dread or pain.

Today I found myself reaching for the seat buckle while we zoomed over the bridge by UW on our way to my ECT appointment. I imagined falling or flinging myself from the car to a swift and bloody end. I yearned for the relief, the guarantee that this darkness would never find me again once I was dead and gone. Instead I told my husband of the dark thought's visitation.

It was bad enough to have the thought occur to me but to then have my husband telling me to talk to hospital staff if the thoughts get worse or walk myself to the Emergency Department... how can I express the disappointment I felt? The sadness and grief and fear?

Just rip my heart out.

I struggle to see the path to better days but I'm well aware of my skewed perspective. It makes me feel sick and ashamed of myself. I'm so very sick of this struggle, of watching my life ooze by in paralyzed stupor. I'm so very sick of the repulsion and embarrassment, pain and shame I feel toward myself and this terrible struggle that hijacks my existence.

Can you comprehend just how sick of this struggle I am? It's like being your own bully and it's so very demoralizing.

7 comments:

  1. I comprehend bits of it, sometimes.

    For now I'd just like to hold you tight as long as needed. Things WILL get better. Love

    ReplyDelete
  2. I comprehend bits of it, sometimes.

    For now I'd just like to hold you tight as long as needed. Things WILL get better. Love

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think it is normal to be feeling worse. Your aunt just died. Of course you are going to feel sad! And it's OK. Of course you don't want to be suicidal but maybe just sit with the sadness with the loss of your aunt. Give yourself space to feel sad and grieve. xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree with Birdie. By the way, have you ever mentioned to your hubs how disappointing some of his responses are.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No shame. Please.
    You are travelling a hard road. With courage.
    And I like Delores suggestion. And wonder what you would like to have heard? What you need to have heard? If you told him would it help?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I echo Birdie's comment, Hannah. Take care of yourself, give yourself space and most of all, be kind to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry, sweet girl. I so wish for brighter, better days for you. It's a really tough time for you.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF