I'm not sure if I'm ready to "come out" other than through this blog and with my psych ward friends (we have our own secret FB group) but this article made me feel like one day, maybe I could be open about it, educate others, live healthier.... maybe. I don't know. We'll have to see.
Yesterday I met with one of my ECT doctors to discuss my treatment and progress with the right side unilateral treatment and today I had my first bifrontal treatment with both electrodes on my forehead-not bilateral where they are on both sides-with one of the other doctors. Thankfully one of my favorite nurses did my IV and everything went really well, unlike Tuesday where the anesthesiologist ran my IV and fucked it up twice, once on each back of my hand (I'm still sportin' the bruises) before she got it in the crook of my arm.
The anesthesiologist I had today asked about my last experience and if there were any issues with anesthesia and while I hesitated at first she encouraged me and I told her about the torturous IV placement and she was understanding . This time went pretty well, a little sting but hardly noticeable as the sleepy juice went in.
I also saw my psychiatrist this week and discussed my drugs.... oooh so many drugs. I have Lunesta, Klonopin, Ativan, and Latuda. I know some people have more, but for me, this is enough. Grr.
Since I had some pretty bad days earlier this week she's thinking that we may have to up the Latuda in addition to switching up the electrode placement for ECT. Hopefully something will kick into gear, I'm sick of my life being on hold.
It has been really been bringing me down not being able to clean my house, drive, having nausea and headaches, difficulty sleeping, trouble with jaw clenching and shoulder tension.... I'm just not feeling great. That said I have been laughing and joking more. So something is changing, however slowly.
In good news, I have been feeling affectionate and attracted to the hubby (yay!) and loving toward the chitlin even though I don't have it in me to take care of him all that much... I get wore out pretty quick. I even play with Fio and cuddle some!
Also, it's been interesting having my mom, dad, and sister help get me to and from ECT. I've never let them see me so vulnerable and out of it (like today I panicked a bit when I couldn't remember if I had scheduled my next appointments) but they have surprised me in a good way.
We still don't talk in too much detail about the bipolar but just the fact that they are acknowledging it and helping me get treatment in such an active and involved way (not just assuming I'm getting drugs/therapy and that it's working) is important to me.
Lastly, I'm sorry I haven't been reading or commenting around the blogosphere much, I just haven't been up to it. That said, ya'll are on my mind and I hope each of you and yours is doing well.
|No, it's not a crime scene photo... he just passed out mid-bottle. |
Also, he loves playing with leashes, cords, and remotes...