Friday, April 1, 2016

A is for Attempt #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

A is for Attempt because I'm grateful for the hubs attempting to help me get better, me attempting to get better, me attempting to do this "A to Z Challenge," and every adorable attempt Bubba makes as he learns new things. 

"Attempt" is important. "Attempt" is something that I have struggled with for a very long time and am attempting to improve. 

For a very long time I have seen life as pass/fail. Do or don't. I have unconsciously/consciously believed that I couldn't enjoy relaxation or frivolous or joyous things until I had earned them or had "passed" completely. I haven't let myself try to learn or improve skills that I am not already competent at because of this uncomfortable feeling around "Attempt." 

As the hubster pointed out to me so skillfully one day a couple weeks ago, this is a prime example of how I suffer from my chronic depressive logic. I found myself wanting to go on a mini-vacay with the hubs but struggling with my ideas of a pass/fail life-

"I recognize that we are exhausted and overworked and that we need a break and that we don't have to have everything sorted out and perfect before we take a break, that it isn't something we earn, that it's something we have the right to...but I also feel like my life is such a mess right now that I'm not allowed to pick up and leave in the middle of sorting things out! I gotta fix it all first!"

It takes a lot of deep breaths to calm me down when I discuss "Attempt" like this! But when I do calm down, I can see that all of life is one big attempt. We are constantly works in progress or trying something new and I need to get comfortable with the idea of being incomplete. Life isn't graded-I won't be an A,B,C,D, or F by the end or at any point, I will forever be incomplete, like everyone else. I will forever be attempting and continuing to "Attempt" is sure helping keep me alive!

*sigh* Feels like I'm getting something off my chest here! Guess I'm grateful for that too ;)


  1. Replies
    1. Hahaha Oh the A-plusses that I have chased... It is really hard to write out A+ in multiple: A+s, A+es, As just looks like "as." Anyways! Thank you :)

  2. Attempt. What a great word to choose. And what a great post this is. I love it.

  3. Oh dear, my comment was consumed. I'll try a different way around commenting from wordpress to blogger.
    I have similar mental health issues, and am impressed at both your attempt to do the A to Z, and with your post on attempt!
    My graduate school supervisor would assign grades such as a B++ because he felt the work was better than a B+, but not as good as an A-.
    I hope to stop by again.

  4. I'm playing catchup on your posts. Really great to see how much work you've put into these. Congrats and keep up the great work.


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF