Friday, April 1, 2016

A is for Attempt #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!


A is for Attempt because I'm grateful for the hubs attempting to help me get better, me attempting to get better, me attempting to do this "A to Z Challenge," and every adorable attempt Bubba makes as he learns new things. 

"Attempt" is important. "Attempt" is something that I have struggled with for a very long time and am attempting to improve. 

For a very long time I have seen life as pass/fail. Do or don't. I have unconsciously/consciously believed that I couldn't enjoy relaxation or frivolous or joyous things until I had earned them or had "passed" completely. I haven't let myself try to learn or improve skills that I am not already competent at because of this uncomfortable feeling around "Attempt." 

As the hubster pointed out to me so skillfully one day a couple weeks ago, this is a prime example of how I suffer from my chronic depressive logic. I found myself wanting to go on a mini-vacay with the hubs but struggling with my ideas of a pass/fail life-

"I recognize that we are exhausted and overworked and that we need a break and that we don't have to have everything sorted out and perfect before we take a break, that it isn't something we earn, that it's something we have the right to...but I also feel like my life is such a mess right now that I'm not allowed to pick up and leave in the middle of sorting things out! I gotta fix it all first!"

It takes a lot of deep breaths to calm me down when I discuss "Attempt" like this! But when I do calm down, I can see that all of life is one big attempt. We are constantly works in progress or trying something new and I need to get comfortable with the idea of being incomplete. Life isn't graded-I won't be an A,B,C,D, or F by the end or at any point, I will forever be incomplete, like everyone else. I will forever be attempting and continuing to "Attempt" is sure helping keep me alive!

*sigh* Feels like I'm getting something off my chest here! Guess I'm grateful for that too ;)


6 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Hahaha Oh the A-plusses that I have chased... It is really hard to write out A+ in multiple: A+s, A+es, As just looks like "as." Anyways! Thank you :)

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  2. Attempt. What a great word to choose. And what a great post this is. I love it.

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  3. Oh dear, my comment was consumed. I'll try a different way around commenting from wordpress to blogger.
    I have similar mental health issues, and am impressed at both your attempt to do the A to Z, and with your post on attempt!
    My graduate school supervisor would assign grades such as a B++ because he felt the work was better than a B+, but not as good as an A-.
    I hope to stop by again.

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  4. I'm playing catchup on your posts. Really great to see how much work you've put into these. Congrats and keep up the great work.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF