Friday, April 15, 2016

M is for Motherhood #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!


M is for motherhood because I am grateful to be able to experience motherhood. I am very proud and enjoy so many moments with Baby Bananaface that are very personal and specific to being his momma. This is a complicated post for me because I'm still struggling to believe and internalize the belief that he needs me around and that he is worth living for and that I matter very much in his life (I tend to believe I'm dispensable and replaceable-one of things I'm working to change in DBT!), but I will try to stay positive.

When I think of giving birth to Baby Bananaface I am so proud and grateful. When I see him and how handsome and healthy and happy he is, I am so proud and grateful. When I experience private, joyous family moments with BB and my husband I am so proud and happy and grateful. There are so many perks to motherhood that carry such amazing glory. 

I know that after BB was born was when I really came face to face with my worst mental health problems but before he was even conceived, before I ever met the hubster, I wondered if I would ever be a mother. Not just because of my mental health but because of self worth issues and having such low self esteem that off and on throughout my life I doubted if I would ever have a family of my own. 

When you've been that low and so skeptical of ever achieving something and then you find yourself not only married to a wonderful man but experiencing motherhood, something you thought you'd never gain in your lifetime, it's an amazing feeling of deep, deep appreciation and gratitude. 

I know it sounds dramatic, but it seems to fall in the family of someone born without legs being able to walk or someone that was born blind being able to see. It's sometimes baffling, sometimes scary, sometimes overwhelming, and maybe sometimes you might not be sure you really even want it to be true but it always seems to come back to, "Wow. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful to have this opportunity and I really don't want to mess it up." At least for me. :o)

A big responsibility, a big challenge, but for grand rewards.






10 comments:

  1. Another heartwarming post. Thank you - and hugs. That is one truly beautiful boy that you and Hubster created and nurture.

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    1. He turned out better than we could've ever imagined! Thanks you <3

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  2. A sweet baby and hubby. Rejoice!

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    1. Sure thing. Thanks for your nice comments on my blog. If you wanted to see the old videos, they are under the label video series. All are short, short, and short. I had fun with them.

      How goes your eating these days? Anything you enjoying over other things?

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    2. Got back on the ice cream train more than I wanted to lately but we're starting to cook again which is great. It's been tough eating enough quality food when I'm just inclined toward junk and easy stuff... been a rough, rough few months!

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  4. Such a sweet post ♥ You are absolutely irreplaceable. You will always be his one and only "momma"; the most beautiful position of all. You're such a lovely little family.

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    1. Aww thank you Martha :o) Still working on internalizing that one!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF