Monday, April 25, 2016

U is for Unsatisfied Urges #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!


U is for unsatisfied urges because A) it's a double-U and I thought that was cool and B) unsatisfied urges are why I'm still here and not only do they mean "Hey, you're alive" they also provide little moments of glory like, "Hey, you really wanted to do that and you didn't, way to go YOU."

TRIGGER WARNING 
(self injury & suicidal thoughts)

I've been having more "better days" than I have in a long time but I still struggle with the occasional urge to do myself harm or even worse. Not too long ago I had a plastic bag in my hand I felt the urge to put it over my head come over me. I stared so hard at that bag I'm surprised it didn't melt. I quivered, my hand clenched and trembled, I shook my head and furrowed my brow and then the hubster walked in and said, "Uh nope. We are throwing that away, okay? Right now." He plucked the bag out of my hand and chucked it, quickly gathering up the second bag from our shopping try and putting the kibosh on that urge.

It's not always just me that's battling back urges, sometimes it's a team effort. Other times, it is just me. Like when I walked to the library the other week and wanted to walk in front of traffic, especially the big buses that I knew couldn't stop on a dime if the world depended on it. I didn't pander to those urges even as they haunted me on my way to the library and on my way back. The same with my urges to jump off (I always think fall off, 'cause really, I don't think I'd jump) the overpass by our home. I didn't do it.

I haven't cut myself. I haven't banged my wrists. I haven't burned myself. I have left those terrible urges unsatisfied, and though it's a struggle in the moment to do so, it's quite satisfying when I've gained some distance and positive perspective to know that I've won a battle (or won a thousand battles really).

What urges do you fight? Do you have urges that used to haunt you and no longer trouble you or is it an ongoing battle? How do you handle losing the battle? I'm working on being kinder to myself when I stumble :o)




2 comments:

  1. I'm so glad to hear that you are having more better days. That is great news. What's even better is that you are fighting off those terrible urges. The world is better with you in it, Hannah!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Martha! This means a lot each time I read it (or something along these lines) :o) Thank you!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF