Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Words for Wednesday



Words for Wednesday is a pretty regular feature that I participate in nearly every week. This month Riot Kitty is providing prompts on her blog and this week she has providing the following words:

Coffee
Profanity 
Cats 
Flowers 
Cards 
Writing 

A shout out for Riot Kitty for the good prompts and a heads up that my writing this week went a little personal but is mostly fictional. That might be a bit confusing but I hope you enjoy regardless!

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I watch the cats basking in the sunlight, stretched out in front of the sliding glass door, completely ignorant to the tiny birds attacking my feeders as they nap in the warm solar beams. It is a bittersweet pause in my writing as I watch their comfortable bliss and feel a prickle of tears at the same time. The cards around me exhibit an array of beautiful blue shades and a surprising variety of white lilies as I commit my expressions of sympathy to aunts, uncles, and cousins.

I sip my lukewarm coffee, careful to avoid making any coffee rings on the colored envelopes, as my teary eyes glance over the images of flowers and metallic calligraphy. Anger swells in my chest and my tears tremble and fall on my cheeks. "You gotta be fucking kidding me." The profanity is a surprise as it escapes with a heavy sigh as I shake my head and recall the last two month's losses.

First my aunt, then my husband's aunt, and now my uncle. All the death piling up in my heart and brain; teasing my suicidal tendencies until the dark thoughts barged back into my life like a drunken ex out for vindication. "You think you can live without me?" I imagine my bad mental habit slurring and yelling at me with a half empty bottle of Jim Beam in its hand, a shirt with one too many buttons undone gaping open as it wobbles and frowns.

If only my habit could die so easily, suddenly be gone forever; but old habits die hard, while my family is making it look far too easy.

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Got a little dark there. Sorry, it's been a rough day. I walked to the library, which was great, except that I came across some "mommy brigades" walking in stroller herds on my way home and I felt very low and down on myself for "not being a mother to my son." I know it's not the whole truth and that I'm still recovering and that I'm too sick to take care of him right now... but sheesh, it sure makes me feel like shit!

Hope everyone else is having better Wednesdays.

9 comments:

  1. Sending you a warm hug and lots of love, Hannah. Don't be so hard on yourself. :)

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    1. Thanks Linda :o) I try! It's a tough thing for me learn to be kinder to myself. Thanks for reading-and your wonderful posts as well.

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    2. But you're learning to be kinder to yourself and THAT is HUGE. HUGE I say, HUGE.

      Keep up the good work.

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  2. Love your image of your bad mental habit. Mine have bad breath and poor hygiene too.
    Here's to bird, coffee and fun filled days to evict them. Or teach them manners at least.

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    1. Cheers to that! I hope yours get deodorant soon ;)

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  3. That was such great writing, dark or not. Good writing is good writing.

    I'm sorry you feel that way, Hannah. As someone who suffered with a very heavy case of postpartum, I can certainly relate. You think all the other moms are super moms but you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Every one has a story. And I think you're doing great. Your profound love for your son shows just by how hard you're fighting to get over every hurdle. That is something to be proud of. Hold your head up high.

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    1. This means so much to me Martha, thank you. It's so difficult for me to remember the times I used to be able to take care of him all day and we'd go to the store or to the park or trail together. Now he's older and more mobile and adventuresome so I suppose things will be very different when I get my "oomph" back!

      Workin' on the head up high thing, very challenging :o)

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  4. A very good story Hannah. I'm sorry to hear about so many deaths recently and am not at all surprised that a bad habit still flits around in your brain at times like this. I'm sure your son knows that you love him and he loves you too. My bad habit's name is sugar and he would love to see me eat chocolate cake for breakfast every day. The whole cake, not a slice or two.

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    1. I suppose we all have our internal battles and bad habits fighting us, I just hope we get a break soon! I hope your habit sleeps in tomorrow and gives you a break :o) Thanks for reading River and thanks for your condolences. Makes me remember that it hasn't been easy for me lately and helps me give myself a little slack!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF