Thursday, May 19, 2016

Fear

I went on a walk a couple weeks ago with the lady I work for personalizing ornaments during the holidays and we were talking about my postpartum struggles when she said something along the lines of, "In all honesty, if I were you I would never consider having more children because of all the challenges you've gone through postpartum, it's just too scary."

I appreciated her honesty, not everyone would be willing to state their opinion like that, but it's also worn on my soul and since our walk I've reflected more on the risks posed by subsequent pregnancies. I used to be so grateful for my pregnancy and birth experience that it overwhelmed any of the negatives presented by postpartum situations but now the pain and the fear of my condition is overwhelming my wonder at the miracle of motherhood.

Today at the gym I saw a couple pregnant ladies and instead of feeling jealous at the sight of their baby bumps I felt fear. Today I imagined myself in labor again and I imagined myself in a place of fear, not power. These are sad shifts in perspective for me and while I'm not able to say for certain that I will never consider having another child of my own I can say that the idea has seriously entered my conscious and will be seriously considered.

I'm not pressuring myself to make any decisions but these feelings are certainly worth noting. I know that having kids is a decision for me and the hubster to make together and that it's not a decision to be made hastily or out of fear and it's also something that we're not under a time crunch to decide so I don't even need to worry about this right now!

Just wanted to cast some light on my fear, bring my sadness into the light, drag my ruminating thoughts into plain view... hopefully I can let this go for a while and focus on getting better and my "now" instead of maybes and the future.

*deep breaths* One thing at a time :o)

17 comments:

  1. I will leave you with a quote from Doctor Who that I have probably posted before in your comments but I think it bears repeating.

    "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and... bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant."

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  2. Whatever you decide about different parts of your life, the decisions should come from a place of understanding and awareness, not fear. While I understand your friend's point, and your consideration of her point and believe that it was brave of her to share, I would not let fear overwhelm you. Hugs!

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  3. Birdie and e have said what I feel better than I could. As always, hugs.

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  4. It's always more important to focus on the here and now. There is no changing the past and the future is not promised to any of us. I will say, I went through a bit of the lesser "baby blues" after my first child. Ten years later, when I had my second, not a smidge!
    Barbara, blogging at Life & Faith in Caneyhead

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    1. That is good to know Barbara and the here and now is rough, but less intense than trying to wrangle the future... thank you!

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  5. I think Birdie and e said pretty much what I feel, dear Hannah...and remember, one day at a time, breathe, continue. Love and hugs.

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  6. Thanks for sharing this with us. Here's to focusing on the now and getting healed up. The what if game, can be draining.

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    1. So draining, so true. Thanks Whisk :o)

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    2. You haven't time to be drained. Here's to healing!

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  7. I had a friend who went through a hellish pregnancy like 2 years ago (preeclampsia, anemia, 3 months of bed rest, etc.). The baby arrived over a month early and was in the hospital for weeks, hooked up to so many tubes they couldn't even hold her. Then when they finally got to bring her home, she was a nightmare for the first six months--crying pretty much non-stop, sleeping for only an hour at a time even during the night. On top of all that, my friend was chronically depressed and trying to work 50+ hours a week as a nurse because her husband's work hours were cut. I never thought she would want to go through any of that ever again. People made similar comments as the lady you work with, but friend just announced about a month ago that they're having another baby.

    Fear can be a good thing. It can make us stop and think when we might otherwise have blundered blindly onward. You endured an incredibly difficult experience. You're a million times stronger than you were before it happened. Your second pregnancy might end up being a breeze. Or it might not. If it's not, at least the second time around you'll have the experience of the first pregnancy under your belt.

    Like everyone else said, focusing on the here and now is probably the way to go. <3

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    1. Thank you for sharing this, thank you for the support :o)

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  8. This is a decision that you and your hubby will eventually make together. It's not an easy one, for sure. Everyone will have an opinion about it but don't let their fear become yours. My first pregnancy was plagued with problems. Bleeding throughout the months, bed rest, a premature delivery, postpartum depression, and on and on. I was told that I had a 50/50 chance of many of these things recurring in subsequent pregnancies, especially the depression. Deciding whether to have another child or not was very difficult and somewhat frightening but I didn't want to decided with fear. I wanted to decide with love in my heart; love for another child. Life is a crapshoot, after all. And I decided to take a chance on another child. Thankfully, the second time around went much better. But even if things hadn't gone smoothly, I knew exactly what needed to be done to make myself healthy again. You don't know which way things will go; there are no guarantees in life. You and your husband will make a decision that makes you happy.

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    1. Thank you Martha <3 it's good to read your story and know that I'm not crazy for that part of me that does desire another child regardless of the risks. Thank you! I'm glad your second time went better

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF