I went on a walk a couple weeks ago with the lady I work for personalizing ornaments during the holidays and we were talking about my postpartum struggles when she said something along the lines of, "In all honesty, if I were you I would never consider having more children because of all the challenges you've gone through postpartum, it's just too scary."
I appreciated her honesty, not everyone would be willing to state their opinion like that, but it's also worn on my soul and since our walk I've reflected more on the risks posed by subsequent pregnancies. I used to be so grateful for my pregnancy and birth experience that it overwhelmed any of the negatives presented by postpartum situations but now the pain and the fear of my condition is overwhelming my wonder at the miracle of motherhood.
Today at the gym I saw a couple pregnant ladies and instead of feeling jealous at the sight of their baby bumps I felt fear. Today I imagined myself in labor again and I imagined myself in a place of fear, not power. These are sad shifts in perspective for me and while I'm not able to say for certain that I will never consider having another child of my own I can say that the idea has seriously entered my conscious and will be seriously considered.
I'm not pressuring myself to make any decisions but these feelings are certainly worth noting. I know that having kids is a decision for me and the hubster to make together and that it's not a decision to be made hastily or out of fear and it's also something that we're not under a time crunch to decide so I don't even need to worry about this right now!
Just wanted to cast some light on my fear, bring my sadness into the light, drag my ruminating thoughts into plain view... hopefully I can let this go for a while and focus on getting better and my "now" instead of maybes and the future.
*deep breaths* One thing at a time :o)