Saturday, May 21, 2016

Medication Madness

It's been a rough week around here and we think it has to do with the anti-anxiety medication I began on Tuesday. Not only did my depressive logic flare but I got hives Thursday and Friday (all over my thighs and the second day all over my thighs and arms). We think I had a pretty negative reaction to the new pill. It really shook me up because it took away the teensy bit of positive perspective I seemed to have gathered up in therapy and shoved me back into a very dark place.

It's scary and amazing what medication can do. I really hope the changes we decided to make will help things go dramatically in the positive direction instead of the negative... speaking of, I am so grateful that my psychiatrist called me yesterday evening. She had called around 1:30 PM and said that she would try to call me back around 3:30 or 4:00 PM but I didn't hear from her (cue the sad/anxious mood) but then she called at 6:30 PM. Yes. I was so relieved. We dropped the buspirone and added propranolol and went back up on the Latuda.

Things have been so hard the past few days I lost all perspective in why I even bother feeling better. I felt like a failure constantly, I lost sight of my goals to live a happy life with my family, to enjoy the little things, I just felt so horrible. Now, just the act of doing something proactive and talking with my psychiatrist has really helped me feel connected again. It's a really difficult thing to describe, but I think it boils down to not caring about my life and then coming to a place where I'm able to care again. A place where I'm able to believe I can survive, able to believe that I have something to live for, able to believe in the process of medication and therapy, able to believe in wellness instead of being blinding by my disorders.

It's far too easy to "check out" and feel hopeless, it's gonna take some time and a lot of effort to build up the resiliency I need in that area to stay safe and happy... but I have the teensiest peep of my goal now instead of feeling totally miserable and hijacked by medications and symptoms. Sure gonna try to hold onto that view of my goal line.

Struggling, but now I feel like I'm struggling in the right direction.... Wishing everyone happy weekends and wellness :o)

17 comments:

  1. "I have the teensiest peep of my goal now instead of feeling totally miserable ..."

    That's a good solid start. Don't stop.

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    1. Thanks :o) I'm trying!

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    2. You are and I thank you for sharing your stories with us.

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  2. Sometimes it is so very, very hard. I am so glad that you can see the light (even dimly) again.
    Hugs.

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    1. Thanks EC :o) The more I see the light the more I'm able to remember, "Hey, I just saw the light..." when I'm feeling the badness. Hoping this little light builds to something brighter!

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  3. You are moving in the right direction, one day or even one minute at a time, is important! Hugs!

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    1. Thanks! One minute at a time matters!

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  4. Hannah, you always amaze me. You do.

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  5. Hives is no picnic! I got them once from eating too many juice sweet plums in a few days time. I was so miserable! And that was without having other issues to deal with as well. So glad you are finding your way though this setback. Godspeed!
    Barbara, blogging at Life & Faith in Caneyhead

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    1. Thanks Barbara! Sorry about your hives experience, so not fun. :o(

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  6. I know A LOT of people who had really really horrible reactions to buspar. It sounds like you've got a really good psychiatrist, and those are hard to come by. Sadly the vast majority of them are little more than drug peddlers.

    Depression is an a-hole. I'm glad you're fighting. xo

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    1. Thanks Mich, I had no idea Buspar could be such a bastard drug but it sure sent me for a loop. I am glad to have the psychiatrist I do, very glad we found her, she has been very active and helpful, even helping get me in the hospital promptly.... she's been a good doc. Thanks, I'll try to keep the fighting fighting :o) Thanks.

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  7. Thanks for answering my question and may you continue to feel warm and snuggly!

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  8. Struggling in the right direction....me too. Me too. :)

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF