It's been a rough week around here and we think it has to do with the anti-anxiety medication I began on Tuesday. Not only did my depressive logic flare but I got hives Thursday and Friday (all over my thighs and the second day all over my thighs and arms). We think I had a pretty negative reaction to the new pill. It really shook me up because it took away the teensy bit of positive perspective I seemed to have gathered up in therapy and shoved me back into a very dark place.
It's scary and amazing what medication can do. I really hope the changes we decided to make will help things go dramatically in the positive direction instead of the negative... speaking of, I am so grateful that my psychiatrist called me yesterday evening. She had called around 1:30 PM and said that she would try to call me back around 3:30 or 4:00 PM but I didn't hear from her (cue the sad/anxious mood) but then she called at 6:30 PM. Yes. I was so relieved. We dropped the buspirone and added propranolol and went back up on the Latuda.
Things have been so hard the past few days I lost all perspective in why I even bother feeling better. I felt like a failure constantly, I lost sight of my goals to live a happy life with my family, to enjoy the little things, I just felt so horrible. Now, just the act of doing something proactive and talking with my psychiatrist has really helped me feel connected again. It's a really difficult thing to describe, but I think it boils down to not caring about my life and then coming to a place where I'm able to care again. A place where I'm able to believe I can survive, able to believe that I have something to live for, able to believe in the process of medication and therapy, able to believe in wellness instead of being blinding by my disorders.
It's far too easy to "check out" and feel hopeless, it's gonna take some time and a lot of effort to build up the resiliency I need in that area to stay safe and happy... but I have the teensiest peep of my goal now instead of feeling totally miserable and hijacked by medications and symptoms. Sure gonna try to hold onto that view of my goal line.
Struggling, but now I feel like I'm struggling in the right direction.... Wishing everyone happy weekends and wellness :o)