Today Baby Bananaface and the hubster were home. They were home Friday as well because of some good ole diarrhea being shared around daycare... anyways, this change up has been difficult for me. I've been spending more time than usual around BB and my resilience and tolerance for the extra stress is not very high at the moment.
Today I hit the wall.
The hubster had a dentist appointment at 2:00 PM today and I began worrying about my ability to watch BB all by myself during his appointment very early on in my day. As the day wore on I found myself having flashes of hurting BB or myself, my worries about the afternoon appointment getting worse. I began grinding my teeth and feeling my body tense as the anxiety became worse and worse. I was barely functional but holding on, hiding my true state, hiding just how far gone I was from the hubster, trying to be "better" than I was.
Well eventually I fessed up. I told the hubster how I afraid of being alone with BB and didn't feel up to taking care of the baby while he was at the dentist's and I ended up having some alone time with some cold therapy, propping my feet up and clearing my mind while an anti-anxiety tablet took effect. Hubster took care of complaining BB and got him down for a nap.
I feel disappointed in myself in some ways but as the hubster so wonderfully explained, it's a good thing that I fess up and tell him when I'm at my limit and it's a bad thing being dishonest and hiding my symptoms and trying to pass everything off as "okay" because that's how I get into really serious situations and trouble.
I couldn't do it today. I just couldn't take anymore. That's okay. I hit the wall and then I took care of myself and taking care of myself, acknowledging when I need help, when I need to tap out, that's a big step. That's seeing the darkness, that's embracing the light, that's being willing to live this life in a kind and caring way... that's succeeding.
So even though I failed today-the hubster had to reschedule his dental appointment entirely-I also had a little success in getting help when I needed it and I think I will take that as the bigger note for today. I succeeded at failing and that feels pretty confusing but I think it feels good overall.
Patting myself on the back and trying to avoid shaking fingers and beating myself up! Baby steps again ;o)