Monday, May 9, 2016

Sometimes Progress is Messy

Today Baby Bananaface and the hubster were home. They were home Friday as well because of some good ole diarrhea being shared around daycare... anyways, this change up has been difficult for me. I've been spending more time than usual around BB and my resilience and tolerance for the extra stress is not very high at the moment.

Today I hit the wall.

The hubster had a dentist appointment at 2:00 PM today and I began worrying about my ability to watch BB all by myself during his appointment very early on in my day. As the day wore on I found myself having flashes of hurting BB or myself, my worries about the afternoon appointment getting worse. I began grinding my teeth and feeling my body tense as the anxiety became worse and worse. I was barely functional but holding on, hiding my true state, hiding just how far gone I was from the hubster,  trying to be "better" than I was.

Well eventually I fessed up. I told the hubster how I afraid of being alone with BB and didn't feel up to taking care of the baby while he was at the dentist's and I ended up having some alone time with some cold therapy, propping my feet up and clearing my mind while an anti-anxiety tablet took effect. Hubster took care of complaining BB and got him down for a nap.

I feel disappointed in myself in some ways but as the hubster so wonderfully explained, it's a good thing that I fess up and tell him when I'm at my limit and it's a bad thing being dishonest and hiding my symptoms and trying to pass everything off as "okay" because that's how I get into really serious situations and trouble.

I couldn't do it today. I just couldn't take anymore. That's okay. I hit the wall and then I took care of myself and taking care of myself, acknowledging when I need help, when I need to tap out, that's a big step. That's seeing the darkness, that's embracing the light, that's being willing to live this life in a kind and caring way... that's succeeding.

So even though I failed today-the hubster had to reschedule his dental appointment entirely-I also had a little success in getting help when I needed it and I think I will take that as the bigger note for today. I succeeded at failing and that feels pretty confusing but I think it feels good overall.

Patting myself on the back and trying to avoid shaking fingers and beating myself up! Baby steps again ;o)

12 comments:

  1. But you didn't fail! This is what Mindfulness is all about.

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    1. Amen! Still working on getting to the place where I can feel good about myself deep down for these little successes-one day/hour/moment at a time!

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  2. One step in front of the other, that's the only way to view survival.

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    1. Very well said Susan! One step in front of the other, one at a time. Perfect :o)

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  3. That sounds like a HUGE success to me. Admitting to weakness is a very big strength.
    Yay you.

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  4. I am very proud of you, Hannah, for not only realizing the state you were in but telling hubby about it! Good on you! Sending you a warm hug and much love.

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    1. Thanks Linda :o) Hug and love received!

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  5. It is necessary to be honest and to be so is often an act of bravery. Good on you!

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    1. Looking at honesty as an act of bravery helps me in a way, makes the discomfort more tolerable! Thanks :o)

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  6. I agree with everyone else. :) Not a failure, not at all. I think telling him what was going on makes you a good mom.

    I'm baby-steppin'! I'm not a slacker! haha....love that movie SO much.

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    1. Thanks Willow :o) Haha The Bob quote was quite topical!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF