Friday, June 10, 2016

Good and Bad and Life

Yesterday was quite a busy day.

Part of my busy was driving down to Seattle to meet a friend from my second hospitalization at a cafe. I used my turn-by-turn navigation and even found parking, I was so proud of myself! Our visit lasted hours and we really enjoyed ourselves although I stayed a little longer than I should've (my anxiety flared a bit toward the end) and drank some caffeine that I should've avoided that caused me some discomfort later, but all in all it was a great visit.

After that I drove to the Eastside to drop the commuter car with the carseat off at Hubster's work and take the clunker home and then I made dinner and then later that night I checked out a support group-lots of activity, lots of driving, lots of socializing. It was a different sort of day than I've had in quite a while!

I felt proud of myself for getting out there and doing more but I'm also concerned about my mood stability and being too "up" and risking a crash.

This morning was a little crash with some suicidal thoughts messing up my chill. It's so easy to believe that I can't fix myself and that dying is the best option but a part of me knows that that is a flawed message from a flawed brain that needs to be fought and remedied. So challenging for me. So sad. So frustrating, disappointing, and angering.

Anyways. That's some of what's going on with me. I also wanted to share some of the hubster's perspective from some of our recent conversations.

We were talking about my memory troubles and trying to determine what was caused by ECT and what wasn't and the hubbo dropped this line, "Your memory goes to shit when you have bad anxiety." It made me giggle! He did make a good point that I've suffered memory issues from anxiety since before ECT so we can't blame it all on treatment.

Days later in a separate conversation he was talking about me getting back to life instead of focusing so much on the sickness and said, "You're not being institutionalized. You're not a mental patient. You're a healthy human being with a disease that sometimes gives you serious issues." He also commented on my unfortunate tendency to have my thoughts fly toward suicide so quickly by saying, "You're conditioned to have that response-you're a self-harmer. At some point you gotta stop focusing on your disease, depression, and suicide and you gotta live your life."

I feel pressure to perform and disappointment in myself for not being "better" as I reread these comments the hubbo made but the part of me where the spark of life and rebellion against the darkness dwells sees a truth in his words; hopes to return to living a life first and foremost instead of the diseases always coming first and occupying so much of my existence. It's a terrible way to live dwelling in misery and frustration so often! No wonder I'm no excited about life, I don't give myself much to look forward to when I surround myself with symptoms and treatments and coping and crises-ugh!

We're also a little concerned about my bonding with Baby Bananaface. It's been a bit better lately but I still feel detached and distant. I'm more affectionate with the hubster but I still feel like a third wheel in the family. They are "normal" and "functional" and I'm this weird extra figure that brings more problems than help... maybe that's my negativity speaking and not facts? Ugh. This brain o' mine!

Like I said, it's been a rough morning. Now I think I'm going to go for a walk or hit the gym and try to distract myself from my negative thoughts, even try to inject some positive, reassuring thoughts instead! I'm doing a good job, I'm trying my best, I'm on the right path, I'm worth working on, I can do it!

Happy Friday and happy thoughts to all :o)


21 comments:

  1. It would make sense that bad anxiety and bad memory go hand in hand. Anxiety is basically your body and brain going into panic mode. I know my memory goes to sh*t if I'm panicking about something.

    The "third wheel" feeling is definitely the depression telling you lies. Tell those thoughts to f**k off. (Easier said than done, I know.) Hubster and Baby Bananaface love you. And a tricycle without a third wheel ain't getting very far. <3

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    1. That does make a lot of sense about memory and anxiety-and I am so grateful for your tricycle metaphor, that is so sweet! Thanks Mich!

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  2. You know, Hannah, I often wonder if depression and arthritis can be related, because I struggle with both and often at the same time! Sending you many warm hugs and much love. Ignore the negativity and bad thoughts, depression is a liar!

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    1. Thank you Linda and best of luck with the depression/arthritis combo, my mom has rheumatoid so I grew up around some bad, bad arthritis and know how awful it can be <3

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  3. Depression deprives one of so much. I've been a basketball depression person all my life. Most people can't understand, because they look at you/me, "You look great!" when you feel that black pit consuming life.

    I could say that you should just keep plugging along, but that is also insulting. But I will say that you are loved and surrounded by supporting friends.

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    1. It is always amazing to me how much depression and other mental illnesses can hide in plain view so well! Thank you Susan, I love being reminded that I am "loved and surrounded by supporting friends," it is very important to remember and so helpful <3

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  4. Yes, you are worth it, and so is your baby and the life you have as a family...Hugs to you!

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    1. Thank you e! I still have some work to do on cementing this in my own brain and it certainly helps seeing it written out like this :o)

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  5. You are definitely worth it. And worth immeasurably more than the soul-sucker who is camping in your head. The rent-free soul sucker.

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    1. Thanks EC. I love your metaphor of the rent-free soul sucker, it's so perfect! So difficult to evict! Argh!

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  6. Just stopped by to check on you. You are definitely worth more than you credit yourself. My worst enemy is myself.

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    1. So true, I think my worst enemy is myself too... Thanks Susan

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  7. Your husband is a brilliant man. Listen to him. xo

    Did you ever post BB's height/weight percentile? If you did I missed it.

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    1. I do love the hubs and his insight, don't get me wrong-sometimes we snip at each other and argue but for the most part we end up having a deep discussion and finding some new truth or solution that helps us all and brings us together and I'm so appreciative of this <3

      I think I forgot to post BB's percentiles! Good catch. Here they are: Height: 61% Head Circum: 95% Weight 81% I was surprised at the Head Circumference since he doesn't look like he's got a big gourd but there ya have it! He did pretty dang well with his 4 vaccines too <3

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  8. Hey Girl. Thanks for sharing all of this with us. You seem to be doing better on the whole and that's good news. Healing takes time and you are worth it.

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    1. "Healing takes time" is an important one to remember and I'm working on believing that I'm worth it so it's good to read that too-thank you :o) I think I am making strides in the right direction, that's something!

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    2. You very much are making strides in the right direction. And it's MORE than something. You keep going. You are worth it. This I know to be true.

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  9. Yes, healing does take time even though we desperately want to jump forward as quickly as possible! You are SO worth it, Hannah. Repeat that several times a day. And when you doubt it, repeat it several times more. Or come here and we'll remind you! :)

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    1. Hehe Thanks Martha :o) That's certainly the type of drill sergeant I need-to drill into my head that I am worth it!

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  10. Oh Hannah, I often relate so much to what you write about. I'm so glad I happened upon your little corner of the web. I hope your Saturday is full of happy thoughts...and peace. :)

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    1. Thanks Willow, I'm glad we crossed paths too!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF