Saturday, June 4, 2016

RELAX! No seriously, CALM DOWN!

Me and tension are so mixed up lately, intertwined like two slugs on a trail, all slime and shades of brown blending together so you can't quite tell who's who...

Basically I can report that I've reduced my anxiety a teeny bit but I am still combating panic attacks and all day tension and fear. Today kicked off with a boatload of worry on top of an evening of poor sleep because of running thoughts and anxiety but things turned out pretty well after the hubs said he would escort me to the NAMI walk I was planning to participate in with friends from the hospital stay this past January. Even though I was excited to see my friends (we keep in touch through a Facebook group) it was anxiety provoking and I was a bit of a mess until the hubster volunteered to go along (it was quite a relief A) knowing he would be there at the event and B) having him drive and deal with parking and navigation).

The walk was sweltering and I sweated like a pig but I had a wonderful time chatting with my hospital buddies and enjoyed getting out and doing something proactive and social, something I felt I haven't done in a long time.

The hubs and I also got to grab coffee at one of our favorite cafes and I even had a lovely individual excursion (ran into a grocery store solo to grab lunch fixins) where I chatted with a funny deli lady and a friendly checkout lady. There were moments where I wasn't stuck in my head or body fretting over my anxiety and I actually did calm down for a bit and enjoy life-WHICH IS WONDERFUL!

It's tough but I'm trying my darndest to hold space for this delightful moments to build on themselves and for my calmness and joy to increase. Things are certainly still challenging but I notice little improvements overall in my well being and I'm very grateful for this even as I battle fears and tears and challenging moods.

A big challenge is the feeling of being a stranger in my own life. Having been down for so long I've lost a sense of self, a sense of familiarity with my personality, my likes and dislikes, my hobbies, even what I like to cook (making a simple spaghetti sauce felt like a novel adventure Thursday!). It's quite sad feeling like I've lost myself and I struggle not to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of rediscovering myself but as I said, I'm trying to hold some safe space for such things as I sort through feelings of loss and frustration and intimidation and beyond!

I also must say a few words about feeling like I've fallen out of my comfort zone even here, not writing or commenting as much as I feel I "usually" do but I'm trying not to overthink it and just let the blogging rhythm wax and wane as it naturally will... *deep sigh*

Lots of hurry up and wait lately, such mixed up feelings it brings! but I think I'm on the right track, so that's good.



Did I mention it's way too hot here and I'm dreading this summer already? Ugh! Me no likey! *poutyface*

13 comments:

  1. Poutyface doesn't begin to cover the way I feel about summer. The sweaty season has NOTHING to recommend it.
    Yay for getting out on the NAMI walk. From the outside your small pluses look HUGE.
    A stranger in your own life? An intriguing concept. Voyages of discovery ahead. And I hope you learn to like that stranger as much as we do.
    Hugs.

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    1. Ah EC, thank you so much :o) You give me happy tears! I hope I come to like this "stranger" too, I am sure trying to be kind to myself and it's a strange new thing.

      "The sweaty season." I am not sure why I have not been calling it that already! Genius!

      Hugs :o)

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  2. You and your hubby are a great team; taking care of another and being there when needed. I love that you have that type of relationship. Completely committed and totally selfless!

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    1. We are actively committed to maintaining our relationship and being there for each other... I'm so happy that I lose track of our "I love you" statements during the day. I am so grateful for him! Thank you for recognizing our hard work!

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  3. Hannah, I am not a big fan of summer because the heat and humidity here in Montreal are unbearable. Thankfully we had a few comfortable days and on those days I took some nice long walks in nature and really enjoyed it! Today I went to a nature park and saw a couple of alpacas, some horses, goats and a variety of birds (geese, ducks, seagulls, etc.) The long walks and fresh air did me good. Your hubby is a great support to you, what a blessing! Hugs.

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    1. Thanks Linda :o) The humidity this morning was not fun, not even 10am and it felt like so sticky! That walk sounds fun, especially the animals. I find goats so full of character! Hugs.

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  4. I like that you can come here and speak as unguarded as you do about your life. I also like being able to see the changes and cheer you on! Hugs!

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  5. I like that you can come here and speak as unguarded as you do about your life. I also like being able to see the changes and cheer you on! Hugs!

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    1. So true e! Thank you for reminding me of something to be grateful for! Hugs!

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  6. I find it thought provoking that two things that are proven to improve mood and outlook were part of your activities: one, exercise and two, helping others. Physical exercise changes our bodies chemistry and can leave us with an over sense of well being once we finish them, clean up and relax. Doing good for others improves one's sense of self worth, and therefore contributes to a sense of well being. Thrilled for every ray of light that shines through the cracks of the shades of your life!!
    Barbara, blogging at Life & Faith in Caneyhead

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    1. Thank you Barbara, wonderful points! And I love your phrasing, "thrilled for every ray of light that shines through the cracks of the shades of your life," thank you!

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  7. "It's tough but I'm trying my darndest to hold space for this delightful moments to build on themselves and for my calmness and joy to increase. Things are certainly still challenging but I notice little improvements overall in my well being and I'm very grateful for this even as I battle fears and tears and challenging moods."

    Very, very cool. Keep going. Don't stop.

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    1. Thank you :o) I'm trying to keep plugging along and your encouragement is a wonderful asset!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF