This month's writing prompts are being provided by River and this week's are as follows:
'but it was never enough'
Copious tension wove through my body while my husband focused on typing yet another dumbed down email to a well-meaning executive. He sat across from me at the dining table that served as our communal desk, a bowl of Cheerios secondary to his work responsibilities.
I tried to remember the last morning I had woken up and felt relaxed or cheerful and couldn't summon up the occasion. There was no question I was in the midst of another mental health battle with my slew of miserable days running together in such a long string I had begun to forget the happier version of myself.
I sighed and felt my body slump with frustration. My husband eyed me over his laptop and sipped at the coffee I had just deemed undrinkable.
"What has you so anxious this morning?"
I shrugged, shook my head, and frowned as tears welled behind my eyes.
"You're gonna be okay. It's okay." He set the coffee mug down and I watched concern wash over his freckled face.
"I'm just so worn out."
We met each other's eyes and sighed together. We were both worn out. My being sick had been wearing us both down, not to mention the toddler getting the best of us day in and day out. Optimum conditions were set for breakdowns and we were barely hanging on to our slight progress. Surviving in such conditions is an achievement in itself but when you've been struggling for so long you forget what feeling okay feels like it makes it easy to lose sense of where success is.
I sighed again as tears teetered on my eyelids. I was worn out, I was tired, I was frustrated, but most of all I wanted to be able to give back to my husband instead of constantly taking support from him while I struggled. A tiny part of me clung to the hope that I would be able to spoil him soon and give back the care and concern he had shown me the past nine months.
"I love you," I said, gazing into his sleepy morning eyes.
"I love you too," he replied with grin.
Thanks for reading, I sort of used "Words for Wednesday" as a portal for my own feelings and needs this week. Somehow the word list suited my state of being this morning and I did not see that coming!
I haven't been commenting and reading as much this week but I have been thinking of my blogging buddies and I hope that everyone is doing all right in their own ways and journeys.