Had ECT Wednesday and a visit with my psychiatrist Thursday so the hubs and I were busy zooming back and forth to Seattle this past week.
ECT went well, I actually felt a mood lift after this time (instead of feeling down like last time) and my mother and I had a good visit. She even stayed for dinner and to see Baby Bananaface despite facing traffic on her way home for it!
The psychiatrist appointment went pretty well but I'm definitely frustrated with the medication situation. We've determined that my anti-anxiety pills aren't really helping so we're weaning off this one and going to try something new. Apparently the new pills are something used for PTSD but it might help me with my nearly all-day anxiety. We're holding off on trying another mood stabilizer for now but I've been having some angry outbursts that the hubster thinks may be symptoms so we might be trying another new pill soon.
I still use Ativan as needed but I've been able to get back to only needing it every few days-there was a week there where I was nearly everyday and that was disappointing for me... I don't like to use the benzos very frequently and I don't like to feel dependent. Thankfully DBT has given me some good skills for coping through some pretty tough anxiety but still sometimes I get wore out and just need some help.
Anyways. Anxiety has sucked lately. Other day I had 5 panic attacks! They're pretty short but still unpleasant and discouraging and 5 in one day certainly made me feel fragile. I even had one during a hike yesterday, I couldn't believe it! It's been really frustrating but I'm doing pretty well considering all the anxiety I deal with-the gym really helps too, even when I can't completely relax and lose myself in a workout I still get a mood lift and some comfort from the exercise.
In other news, I completed a craft project that the hubby got me off Amazon a few weeks back!
I've decided to give it to my childhood neighbors/family friends. They feed the hummingbirds too and have been supportive and comforting to me for many years, a little surprise prize is well deserved!
I really appreciated having the cross stitch project for distraction purposes. For whatever reason coloring just doesn't do it for me, but stitching helps me reach a happy place. I shall have to continue crafting. And puzzles.... puzzles are good.
In other news, the hubster and I got a new game-Upwords. We really like it but it can be challenging! Much more compact than Scrabble so it works out nicely as a game we leave on the dining table to play whenever we feel like it (we also keep Yahtzee! out and keep cards handy).
Sigh. I guess I can't not mention it... I had a mood dip this afternoon and things got dark. The hubs made an offhand comment that triggered my insecurities and I ended up feeling really low and even had some self-harming urges. Well, I have those thoughts pretty regularly but these were more urges-basically things got darker than they have in quite a while and it was pretty upsetting. We were able to recover and get the afternoon back on track but it was sad to see myself like that after doing so well for so long. Have to remember to be gentle with myself and not to judge. Bumps in the road happen but I can keep moving onwards and upwards in a positive direction, no need for a major negative detour!
So, there's the news from Bananafaceland. I've been struggling to keep up on my blogging lately but I'm trying to recommit myself-especially want to write for "Words for Wednesday" this week! It's been too long!
Hope everyone celebrating the 4th has a safe and enjoyable holiday. We're going to my parents for various activities and it's causing me additional anxiety but I'm also excited and think/hope that I'll have fun.
Warm thoughts and gratitude :o)