Monday, July 11, 2016

It's the 11th.

I tend to lose track of the days but today after gym class I was fairly confident that it was the 11th and indeed, it is! What does that mean? It means that it's been 3 months since I attempted suicide. It means that in 3 months I've gone from trying to kill myself to attending group exercise classes multiple times a week, making dinner at least twice a week, taking charge of Baby Bananaface for short periods, participating in social events, keeping up with my meds, shifting my internal bullying towards self-care, and so many other little (big) steps towards taking care of myself and making my way back towards thriving instead of just barely surviving.

I don't want to dive too deep into all the feelings and thoughts that this anniversary stirs up for me because I've been getting ambushed and overwhelmed by intense emotions lately and I don't want to step into a trap! That said, I do want to mention how it brings up some mixed feelings and a bit of confusion. I find myself cheering myself on and feeling proud and then I also find myself feeling sad and tearful and afraid of that darkness that nearly ended me, that darkness that still lives in me and could return at any time.

I've come a long way and I'm proud of that. I'm grateful that my wonderful husband saved my life and I'm also sickened by the thought of what I nearly did to him and Baby Bananaface. I feel shame and sadness and fear but then I feel happiness and gratitude and pride. It's a confusing mix, but I think it's reasonable. These are complicated things after all.

So today I'm working on being kind to myself while I work through my schedule and to-do list, keeping busy and warding off the bad thoughts. I piped up about the anniversary to the hubs and asked if we could go out for a bit of a celebration dinner and we've got plans for later which makes me happy :o)

Things are a little overwhelming/confusing but I'm just gonna ride the wave and accept where I am right now. Things happen. This is where I am now. Where I'll be when doesn't matter so much as taking things one moment at a time and accepting and loving and caring for myself the best that I can along the way so that I can love and live for my friends and family (including my bloggin' buddies!).

Today is the 11th. Today I am actively living my day and taking care of myself. Today is a good day.

<3

17 comments:

  1. It makes me happy to be here reading this today. Yes, our emotions tend to be dual and shaded, but you're right to just ride the wave, to accept the ebb and flow, and most of all, to not judge any of it. Your husband is a good man, and bless him for riding the wave with you. One breath at a time. Welcome in everything you feel and let is wash on through. All is well. Love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you. Lots of white water with my emotion waves lately but I'm getting better at my rafting ;o)

      Delete
  2. Add me to the list of people who are happy to read this post. I love that you are surfing those waves, and hope that it becomes easier and easier.
    Hugs. Always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I hope it becomes easier and easier too :o) Hugs

      Delete
  3. I am also happy to read this post, Hannah! You are doing well! One step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Sending you warm hugs and much love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, one step at a time is a big part of my game plan for sure! Hugs

      Delete
  4. You are so awesome. I am not kidding. The last few weeks I have been slipping down. Not a crash but a slow slide. You remind me that things get better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad Birdie :o) I hope you slow slide slows to a stop and reverse!

      Delete
  5. I am back because I was just thinking about you. I just wanted you to know that I am very glad you are here. You belong here. Here with your son and husband and family members that drive you batty. Here with all of us with you wide open spirit reminding us that we are dealing with an illness and it is sometimes so brutally hard there are no words to explain it. But you show up. You post. I for one, love you for it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Birdie, you give me happy tears! <3 I'm so happy to have people like you that know how brutally hard things can be, I wish we didn't have to know but I'm glad we can share and support each other. Love. Hugs. Gratitude.

      Delete
  6. I've just gotten to know you through the blog world and I'm glad I have. Whether you realize it or not your are doing very important work as you beautifully express what it's like to have an illness like yours. Others can see that from even the most dire circumstances, there is light on the other side.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I've been feeling bad about having a tough time posting as much as I used to or expressing as deeply as I used to a while ago but words like yours encourage me to keep trying and keep posting no matter, let life unfurl and just keep at it :o)

      Delete
  7. I've just gotten to know you through the blog world and I'm glad I have. Whether you realize it or not your are doing very important work as you beautifully express what it's like to have an illness like yours. Others can see that from even the most dire circumstances, there is light on the other side.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is great, Hannah! I am so proud and in awe of how far you've come. The road has not been an easy one for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true Martha! and I think it's important that I can acknowledge and own the challenges I've encountered. It ain't been easy. Thank you :o)

      Delete
  9. This makes me so happy for you! You have come such a long way! Hugs and more hugs. You rock!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks e! Your hugs are much appreciated :o)

      Delete

Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF