Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Leaning into my fears... a little bit

Therapy yesterday was particularly intense. Lots of tears, lots of fears. It was upsetting but at the same time was good to feel a bit of clarity and perspective. I can't explain everything exactly but I can say that I came away from the session with a new sense of appreciation for how much motherhood means to me and how my fears of failing Baby Bananaface and hubster and our little family can paralyze me. It was intimidating but very grounding having it pointed out that I do care about things, that I do find meaning in life, that I am attached to this world. Lately I've had several bouts of dark thoughts that have made me wonder about such things.

It's very easy for me to get swept up in sticky, dark thoughts that lead me into a wormhole filled with questions about what life means. I have a difficult time accepting the unknown and I think "What is the meaning of life?" is one of those big questions without a single answer, but instead more answers than anyone could count. In that way it's a question without a solid answer and that wears on my mind, it tortures me and trips me up and shoves me down into my darkest places at the drop of a hat but as I gain a little more strength of mind I find myself returning to my ideas of "lowercase faith" and exploring my personal beliefs and trying to build up a defense against the dark pattern of my negative thoughts.

When I can navigate around those dark thoughts and resist the pull toward hopelessness I find myself considering questions of honor and love and hope and faith. I find myself believing and finding comfort in the idea that I live my life for love and that I battle fear and hate. It's quite simplified but it helps bring meaning to the suffering and remind me of those wonderful things about life that are worth sticking around for.

I'm still susceptible to those dark thought patterns and it can be a quick slide into a suicidal mental landscape for me, but I think that as I build my coping skills through DBT and build my strength of faith and sense of meaning I will find myself more resilient. It's scary to confront these thoughts and all the unknowns, I certainly don't know where I'll end up or what life will look like down the road and that's a scary thing. I can only do my best and hope that things will turn out all right.

This isn't quite the post that I was trying to create. I feel like I've shied away from many of the biggest deep dark thoughts and the hopeful bright thoughts that I've encountered over the past week or so, but that's simply how it is right now. The feelings that get stirred up as I explore my thoughts are uncomfortable and I can't risk falling into a hole right now, so I tiptoed my way around them as best I could and tried to stay calm instead of digging deep and potentially getting myself whipped into a fretful frenzy!

Well, I don't know what else to type right now except I hope everyone is well and finds some peace and happiness today.

9 comments:

  1. Emotions can be a minefield can't they? Some days I find it best to observe the warning signs and tiptoe away.
    However, I am so proud of you. And so pleased to hear you acknowledge that resilience is an option. That is a blazing beacon of hope.
    Hugs.

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    1. Thanks EC, a "blazing beacon of hope" is a good thing indeed! Hugs.

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  2. I wish hope and peace and wellness for you everyday, Hannah!

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    1. Me too to you, e! :o) Thank you!

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  3. Your post turned into something I can use. Because I pretty much think nonstop about the meaning of life. The question comes to me when I wake up and go to bed, when I am driving my car (especially when I am driving my car) and when I have a bath, brush my teeth, eat a meal, garden. And there are no answers. I pray to a god that doesn't answer me back and it feels so fucking lonely. Alone. Alone with a capital A. I hate it because it is so wearing and exhausting. I want more than anything to commune with God but it isn't happening. *sigh* Fuck. Am I depressing you more than you already are.

    I will say this. Fear is the opposite of love when it comes to people. However, I am fearful of so many things and can't figure out for the life of me how love works in that aspect. Just keep loving your boy and your husband. And yourself. Because you are so damn amazing.

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    1. Oh Birdie, I love that you related to my post but I'm sad to hear that you struggle with these thoughts too. I know what ya mean about capital A-Alone!

      Fighting back with love as best I know how and hope you will too. Sending strength and love to you, and, as always, grateful to have you in my life.

      Hugs.

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  4. Hannah, speaking for myself, sometimes I tend to overthink things. And when I do, this can get me into trouble in the sense that it causes unneeded stress, fear and depression.

    I am very proud of you, and emotions are just that....emotions.
    Love and hugs to you, dear friend.

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    1. Thank you Linda. The overthinking thing is definitely a problem! Love and hugs :o)

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  5. "I will find myself more resilient..."

    Best line, ever.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF