Up and down. I started out feeling pretty good this morning knowing that I had my ECT appointment and anticipating relief from my bad feelings, although I was a little nervous because ECT moved to a different hospital and the new surroundings were unfamiliar. I was glad to see familiar faces in the nurses, receptionist, and doctor though.
My appointment went pretty well. Didn't like the anesthesiologist today but they are usually different every time so hopefully I won't have to deal with him again (he started my IV and put it in my hand because it was easiest for him even though I said that it hurt me a lot last time they did that and then he didn't offer to use the lidocaine before the meds to prevent the stinging pain but luckily the treatment nurse that is almost always by my side for treatment remembered my previous experience and encouraged him to use the lidocaine).
I spoke with my doctor about how I've been on a downward slide the last week or so and how the hubster and I were thinking that the next time we would schedule a little sooner, like 2-1/2 weeks instead of 3 to try to prevent me from suffering and having to face the suicidal thoughts and such. She agreed that that was reasonable and sounded like a good idea, even saying that it might help us increase the time between treatments in the long run by avoiding those downward slides instead of me suffering through them.
I felt pretty good immediately after treatment but after lunch I got really tired, my shoulders tensed up, my thoughts started racing, and I began having really emotional moments-good and bad-where I'd suddenly feel immensely grateful and joyous or horribly sad and discouraged. It's been a tough afternoon. I wish I could go to the gym or go for a run/walk at the park but just walking the loop at a slow saunter took some work.
The hubby convinced me to take some Ativan to try and soothe my racing thoughts and reduce some of my tension and I think it's helping a little bit although I did have some major anger flares right after taking it. I think having him sort of managing my coping plan and having BB hollering in the background on top of my discomforts drove me over the edge. I even hollered a bit! Very unusual for me!
Oh, in other news I took a rather nice picture at lunch to send my mom and I thought I'd share it here. Not to often that I feel this good about a picture I take!
Kinda funny story, that drink in front of me is a strawberry lemonade with strawberry puree that they make in-house and it sounded delightful and yet I didn't like it. I swapped it for ice tea for no charge (which I also didn't like much but it was all right enough and I didn't want to refuse a second drink). Well, I ordered this skirt steak sandwich and I didn't like that either (the sweet potato fries and sauce were the best I've ever had anywhere though). I ended up taking three bites of the sandwich just to make sure I didn't like it, even the hubster wasn't interested and at the end of the meal we had over half the sandwich sitting on the plate. The lovely waitress noticed and after we refused a box she asked if I didn't like the sandwich either and I couldn't lie. She ended up taking it off our tab completely! So while I didn't enjoy the drinks or the sandwich, the fries were amazing and service was even more impressive.
Now I'm just going to be trying to cope and make it through the night, hoping tomorrow is better. At least tomorrow I'll be back in exercise class which usually helps at least a little with my mood.