Monday, August 1, 2016

It Ain't Easy

Been chugging along lately doing my best and accepting that things aren't always easy or pretty. Sometimes I just have to do what I have to do to get by and that meant an ECT appointment on Thursday and means another this Wednesday as well (potentially Friday too if I'm still feeling shaky). That's more ECT than we were planning on but if it helps us avoid a major spiral, boy-howdy, we gonna do it!

We have also switched up things on the medication front by discontinuing an anti-anxiety pill (it was primarily a blood pressure medication and while I didn't get any anti-anxiety benefits I was getting a lot of dizzy spells during my exercise classes that I didn't appreciate!) and starting another mood stabilizer. I've had such little luck with these meds that my hopes aren't up very high but I do hold out some hope that I'll see some type of benefit. At least I haven't seen any hives this time (yet!).

I've been staying active with my gym classes and walk/jogging at the park down the street and I've definitely seen my mood improve and my stress decrease with the increase in activity level. I've also been reaching out to friends and trying to be more social, which can be stressful for me but also benefits me in many ways. I've even begun a new volunteer gig with the blood bank! I have to take it slow and be aware of my stress levels and anxiety but the increased activity tends to keep me outta the darker spaces in my mind and I think is the right way to go for me :o)

In other news, my uncle isn't doing so hot. Like, he could go any minute type of thing. Apparently he has three types of cancer and some other health issues that make treatment impossible and it's complicated and not pretty.

This is my mom's brother and I think I mentioned on here that her sister, my favorite and bestest aunt, died this past January while I was hospitalized the 2nd time-so having her brother pass in the same year... I mean, come on. She's having a tough time. I don't know what more to say about it other than I'm hoping that he is comfortable and that his son gets to see him before he passes, he hasn't been doing so great for years so it's not shocking or that unexpected, but definitely still sad and a shift for our family.

Oh, speaking of, my sister had her gallbladder out. That was unexpected but not necessarily shocking because she's had wonky health issues and if anyone was gonna have their gallbladder out at 23 it would be my sister...

Anyways. My thoughts have been doing some racing and I've had some dark moments but thankfully my DBT skills have been helping a lot. Sort of odd, there was a local shooting and one of the victims was a babysitter that the hubs and I used during my first hospitalization... hearing that on the news definitely stirred up some feelings! So scary having something like that hit so close to home. Ugh.

This post is all over the place but so be it. Life is happening and it ain't neat and pretty or easy, it just is!

Sorry if I haven't been keeping up with your posts lately. I haven't been on the computer much at all but I've been thinking about it and wondering about everyone! Thanks for reading :o)

13 comments:

  1. You hang in there Hannah. Doesn't sound pretty, but you're getting there. Thinking of you. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Denise :o) One messy step at a time!

      Delete
  2. I am keeping you in my thoughts, Hannah, please hang in there! In 1983 my mother died, and exactly one year and two weeks later, my father died. I was only in my 20's when they died and it is tough but thankfully I managed to pull through it. Taking walks in nature helps me a lot with depression and even the arthritis, too. Sending you warm hugs and much love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the hugs and love, Linda :o) The walking outside is so much more soothing than plain ole treadmilling for me, I think part of it is passing other walkers and even the fleeting eye contact makes me feel like I'm being social and it's helpful to my mood... I'm glad walking helps you too :o)

      Delete
  3. Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hugs to you and keep doing what feels right. I'm sorry to hear of the upheaval in your family and about the poor babysitter...Thanks for the birthday wishes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, e! and I'm glad I didn't miss your birthday :o) Hope you had a good one!

      Delete
    2. My birthday is Thursday, but thanks!

      Delete
  5. Two weeks before my mom died one of my aunts died. After my mom two more uncles, another aunt, a cousin, (step)grandpa and (step)grandma. All in four years. It was just too much. Way, way too much.

    I hadn't heard about another shooting but I have stopped watching the news. I feel bad that I am not informed but my brain and heart can't handle it anymore.

    23 is very young to have her gallbladder out! How is she doing in the parenting front?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good grief! That does sound like too much.

      The shooting was in Mukilteo :(

      I am not sure how my sister is doing on the mothering front, but I know my mom is helping out a lot. Time will tell I suppose!

      Delete
  6. Sorry about your uncle.

    Glad exercise is helping you.

    Doctors seem to be taking more and more gallbladders out these days.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF