Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Again.

Having a hard relapse. Not sure if this is last week coming back with a vengeance or a totally new front of bad mood-weather but it's taken me under like a riptide. I thought making it through the weekend meant I was back on track and outta the woods, but I guess not.

Things got pretty bad, pretty fast yesterday afternoon and even though I reached a point where I was ready to die and an eerie calm came over me, I decided to wait and see how I felt in the morning... Well, the thoughts were there to greet me this morning and I've been confused and teary and sad despite going to my regular gym class and going through the motions.

It ain't pretty. We've got an ECT appointment for tomorrow.* I'm disappointed in myself, in the hand I've been dealt... I'm just tired of fighting. The dark thoughts are so convincing, so reassuring.

I've had a variety of symptoms besides the suicidal ideation-crying and shaking and loss of expression, my face just slack and no laughter, no frustration, just "blah" from me... but nothing new. It's all familiar. I've been here before.

Sigh.

I don't know what's going to happen. I feel so "blah" about things either way it's a bit confusing. I would be happy to be snuffed out and out of the fight, I even feel dismissive about leaving behind loved ones and friends and the inconvenience and hurt that would cause-I know it's not my "right" mind but it's such a powerful sense of release that overtakes me in these deep dips... I'm sure some of you can relate.

On the other hand I can still grasp those whispering, rational thoughts that this is all temporary and the disease overtaking me and that I want to live I just don't want to continue hurting this way... Sheesh, it's downright crazy how quickly my reasonable mind is overwhelmed by these horrible, dark thoughts-like a massive, lightning quick avalanche sweeping my life off track. Ugh.

Like I said, it's confusing, but I trust the hubby and can still kinda hear that part of me that still sees the light and although there is a heavy presence of darkness in my mind I'm still edging forward toward wellness somehow.

I'm baby steppin' major today. Will try to keep the blog updated as things progress <3


*Apparently the doctors are wobbling between TMS and ECT, so things are up in the air for now but hopefully I'll find out this afternoon.... They want me to try and make it through without the ECT and stick with just the TMS, maybe do ECT Friday for "emergencies only." More confusion! Anyways. Will update later.

16 comments:

  1. Oh Hannah.
    I am so sorry.
    I am holding you in my heart.
    I so hope the positive feelings gain more strength.
    Hugs.

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  2. Those feelings! They can seem so strong and real. Are you able to get to the hospital, a place where you will be safe?

    You are loved. You are needed here on this planet. Even if you are not able to take baby steps today that is okay. Staying in one place is okay. xoxox

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    1. Staying at home for now with hubby supervision, although hospital is on the table if needed.

      You are so right about staying in one place being okay too, I appreciate that perspective.

      Thank you, Birdie! <3

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  3. Dearest Hannah, I am so sorry that you are going through this! Sometimes we think that things are going well for a while, and they are, and then when we have a setback it is almost a shock to the system. Please don't be hard on yourself, though, by being disappointed in yourself. And again, dear friends, baby steps are better than no steps. And sometimes just staying in one place is fine, if it helps us to look at ourselves and how things are going, and to make us realize what we are going through. Sending you much hugs and lots of love.

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    1. Thank you Linda for these wonderful words and as always the hugs and love! <3

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    1. Just being here and being you is help enough! Thank you checking in and reminding me of the things worth living for in my life :o)

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  5. I am just stopping by again to let you know I am thinking of you and to let you know you are needed and loved.

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    1. Thank you Birdie! It's much appreciated!

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  6. Bright, beautiful Hannah---I am so sorry about this but it is temporary and you will get through it. Please do not blame yourself or feel like you've let anyone down. You are amazing and will get through this. Hugs!

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  7. This is something I know very little (nothing) about, but I do hope you feel much better soon.

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts River <3

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  8. I hope things are looking better. Depression is an a$$hole. I had one day last week where I woke up suicidally depressed for no discernible reason, and it took me a few days to shake it off. Losing myself in music usually is the biggest help.

    xo

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    1. Thanks Mich, I think I might be shaking it off-we shall see!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF