Sunday, October 30, 2016

I Did Good And I'll Do Even Better

I'm trying to focus on the positive right now but fearful, tense feelings throughout my body and anxious thoughts flashing through my mind are making that a challenge. I know that I did a good job today but a large part of me still feels bad about feeling bad.

What did I do today? This morning I went to the gym with Baby Bananaface and gave the hubster some time home alone. Then this afternoon I helped the hubster with a paper he's working on for school. After BB didn't sleep too well for his nap I took him for a drive so he could nap some more and the hubster could get more time to work on his paper. I even went to Target with BB without the hubster-two solo childcare excursions in one day! This is big doin's for me. It's a show of progress. It's an accomplishment.

That said, I still feel down about myself. I feel bad that I am not even better. I feel bad that these things are still a challenge for me and that I had to navigate anxiety and near-panic attacks throughout. I wish that it were easier. I wish that I was even more help to the hubster. I feel like he's carrying the family all on his own too often and at the same time I don't feel quite up to being an equal partner again yet. It's so confusing and sad to have these conflicting emotions as well as the fear and anxiety.

I recognize that I've come a long way and even though it's difficult to recall exactly how things were I know that things have been far worse for me than they are now. I'm contributing a lot more to our family by managing the laundry and dishes and cooking some meals. I'm taking better care of myself and am able to cope through many of my symptoms without medication or emergency services. I've even managed to taper off of ECT and that's no small feat.

I've come a long way and I've done good. There's still progress to be made and I can do even better and that can come with time. Over and over I tell myself that I can do this and that I am strong and that it's okay to feel bad sometimes, that I'm good enough exactly how I am. I so want to believe this deep in my bones someday instead of the fragile, confusing feelings I experience reciting these words now. Time will tell.

As we prepare to embark on another new week I feel scared of what symptoms I will experience and I feel pressure to perform as someone that is "getting better" would. As much progress as I've made and even with my tiny nugget of pride I still feel fragile and fearful each day. Part of me hopes that this will change gradually over time and before I know it I will feel strong and confident instead but there is also the weary part of me that wants to cry and collapse and give up. So many feelings, so many directions.

I'm still confused. I'm still trying. I'm still giving myself a gold sticker for today even with my doubts and nasty feelings! Baby steps got me here and baby steps will take me even farther to where I want to be, I just have to keep working at it and keep going even when these fears shadow my path.

I hope everyone had a good weekend and made their own victories-big and small! Gold stickers all around, I say :o)

17 comments:

  1. Well-written.

    I believe, it will get easier for you.

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  2. One day at a time, and things are getting better. Hugs!

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  3. You express yourself very well, Hannah. It, like anything, will not happen over night, but the very fact that you are pushing forward and improving speaks volumes. It means that you are growing, it means that you are learning, and it means that you are trying! Be happy in the moment and for your progress, and please don't be hard on yourself or beat yourself up for not doing better. Celebrate your progress and growth and continue moving on! Sending you much love and many hugs, my cherished friend...I am very proud of you! :)

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    1. Linda, thank you so much this is such an encouraging and soothing comment for me to read! It's hard for me to take it easy on myself but it's one of those things I'm trying to learn, for sure <3

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  4. On the other side of the world, tired, overwhelmed and beating myself up, I needed to read this.
    You did good. I do good. And we will, in the fullness of time, do better.
    For now, our enough is pretty damn good.
    Hugs.

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  5. Hannah, I'm glad you're writing this out, and observing your very real progress in that way. I suspect that some of your anxiety right now is tied to expectation--your own and maybe what you think is expected of you by others. If you can release the expectation that you should be better than where you are at this moment, perhaps the moment will feel less fraught. Wherever you are is okay. It really is. You are doing your best to be well, whatever that looks like. I hope you'll be able to really feel that you're ok, even in the midst of your not ok feelings. You are loved. You are good. You're just made with a challenging chemistry, and you are managing it. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs, dear friend.

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    1. Thank you <3 That expectation brings so much tension, you are spot on. Hugs and hope :o)

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  6. I don't think we are ever finished with working on ourselves. That goes on to the day we die if we are healthy and functioning well. So keep moving forward. You are moving forward in leaps and bounds.

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    1. Thank you Birdie! I think so too, we just keep on growin' :o)

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  7. It sounds like you've been making great strides - yay! I really admire how you keep at it even with those doubts and fears trying to derail you. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  8. Sometimes it's just about getting through the day...and with each day you get a little stronger.

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  9. Keep pounding it out. Hugs to you.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF