Times are a-changin'! Here's the story...
The hubby had some big news Thursday night; he had an interview the next morning for a holiday gig at UPS to be squeezed in in the wee hours of the morning before his "real job." If he got it, it would entail me taking care of Baby Bananaface in the mornings and getting him to daycare on my own (big change). More immediately, he needed me to take care of BB the next morning so he could get to the interview.
Instantly I felt the panic lurking in my system. I felt the fear boiling up like big storm clouds within me. I managed to keep a relative cool (no panic attacks or tears) and coped with the news even though part of me was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I've had extremely limited solo parenting time lately and taking care of BB can be a highly stressful proposition for me.
Yesterday morning the hubs got up and went to his interview early in the morning and I managed to get me and BB to our respective places (daycare and gym) on time and in order. It was a big shift in routine for me and while part of me wasn't sure if I was up to it I think a larger part of me knows that I can handle more hands-on parenting now.
That said, the fear is still there. I worry about taking on too much and setting myself up for a big fall mood-wise. I even feel a little part of me resisting the call to action and increase in responsibilities. It's embarrassing to admit but part of me that wants to stay in the patient role and not bother working up to handling what I used to handle. That shameful, whiny part is one thing but a larger part of me wants to regain the ability I had, the more balanced partnership with my husband and confidence that comes from partaking in life with more vigor and commitment.
The fact that the hubby would even consider applying for a gig like this and think that I'm capable of taking care of BB in the mornings on my own is a huge sign of the changin' times and progress I've made. Even though I recognize this, it's difficult for me to believe in myself and have faith that I'm strong enough to manage. I'm still in a place where I feel on the edge of disaster, fragile, and unreliable. Even as I say that, I know that I've made progress and that I'm stronger and part of this transition back to wellness is waiting for my confidence to build up again. It just takes time.
So while I'm navigating that transition and juggling solo parenting in the mornings (he got the gig) I will have to commit myself even more to managing my fear and giving myself credit. It freaks me out a bit but I also feel like it's a major opportunity to prove myself, to step up and reach for what I value. I really do want to help support my family and my husband and engage more with BB again; I've just been out of practice for a long time and harboring a lot of fear about getting back up to speed.
The hubster knows I'm afraid and he knows it's a big change but he believes in me and is also very assertive about the fact that if things don't work out he can easily drop the extra job, no worries.
Other than worrying about myself I'm also worrying a lot about him. He's already running ragged and not taking very good care of himself with his current level of responsibilities. I don't want him to get sick or not being getting enough sleep or injure himself wrestling packages.
I know he wouldn't be doing this unless we really needed the help financially (I don't get the full picture there, he takes care of that business and we keep me in the dark for now-he says we're squeaking by and just need more breathing room) and I know that if he can't balance things he will pull the plug, so I'm trying to trust in his judgment and not fret too much about him.
He's a grown ass man that knows his own limits! But oh, how I love him and wish things were easier <3
SO there's the story. I think it's a good sign that I'm making progress and hopefully tackling the challenge will give me a boost in confidence. It looks like we might be in for some exhausting weeks this holiday season, but as the hubster says, "It's temporary!"
Ooh, reminds me that I need to work on registering for my winter quarter class-gotta order ye olde transcripts! Times are certainly a-changin' and while it's scary, I also feel a little pride that I'm stepping out and getting back into the fray. I might not be 100% but I'm doing a helluva lot better than I was just a few months ago.
Feel like my baby steps are changing into something bigger, but I'm not sure what to call them... well, whatever they are it's progress!