I know that there is probably a better way to put this, but for whatever reason I can't think of it-what do I mean? I mean that I'm feeling "wordly constipated." I want to write. I got stuff in my brain to write about but it's sure having a tough time making it's way into the world! Please bear with me this week as I try to work out some words and work in the prompt words/image/phrase provided by Elephant's Child and Olga Godim at EC's blog.
"I was just wondering if you could solve a little argument?"
I ended up using the words and not the phrase or image, but I left those up there in case anybody else was inspired and wanted to write from those too or instead :o)
There wouldn't be a hotter day that summer. Mallory felt an overwhelming sense of stubborn conviction sink into her bones as she jogged around the paved park path. She had very little data to support her conclusion but it seemed like today would have to be the hottest because it was simply the perfect complement to her mental agony. She hated sweltering heat and she hated the misery depression and anxiety brought into her life.
It had been eight days now since her mood began sliding down and her anxiety flaring up. The shift in mental stability made her feel isolated and lonely; sick to her stomach at times and dizzy or faint at others. Images of various suicide scenarios swept through her mind multiple times a day and she struggled to ward off the intrusive thoughts that she was hopelessly flawed and burdensome to her loved ones. She recognized the symptoms of her mental disorders but despite her experience combating the darkness she had been unable to prevent the episode. Now she found herself outside, dripping sweat and risking sunburn while she jogged and trudged around the park in an attempt to bring her mood up and keep her mind from the darker thoughts and urges.
Someone laughed to her right and Mallory glanced toward the paved picnic area to see a group of children playing hopscotch and doodling with chalk. Instead of a smile she felt a frown collapse her features and she heaved a sigh. Hopefully they don't end up like me, she thought, writing off her life as an epic disappointment before catching the flawed thought and dismissing it. Just because I'm having a difficult time right now doesn't mean that my life isn't worth living or that I won't have happier days soon.
Mental manipulations and alterations like this were daily practices even when she was having better days; during the rougher times it was like "Mortal Kombat." For whatever reason she had to live with this type of brain that happened to try and convince her to kill herself from time to time. It was like living with a compulsive liar, some sort of masterful hoaxer attempting to pull one over on you so often that you begin to live in a state of suspicion and fear, unable to relax even at home in her lover's arms or with her closest family and friends. The threat was everywhere she was.
Mallory refocused her mind on her slow jog and counting her steps: 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, over and over until the sadness and anger disappated enough that she could focus on something positive. She chose to think of that morning at the gym and the music from her workout class. Reciting the fun pop songs helped her forget the darkness for a bit while the stifling heat and exertion from the jog contributed to her distraction and further aided her mental escape.
As her muscles twinged and her breaths became ragged she encouraged herself to keep pushing; one step at a time, one breath at a time. She set a goal of jogging until the next porta-potty before taking a break to walk and suddenly realized that that was life; trying to keep going even when the going got rough, focusing on one step at a time just trying to reach the next benchmark.
Mallory smirked and shook her head, negative thoughts chiming in about the futility of life and the unavoidable pain and struggle, images of death offering relief and escape. Mallory grit her teeth and confronted the dark thoughts with images of her husband and child, laughter and hope, silent words of encouragement and validation.
The battle continues, she thought and wondered if the people watching her huff and puff and sweat her way around the park had any idea how much more challenging her mental exercise was. One step at a time. One thought at time. Just keep trying.
And so she did.
Definitely some real life inspiration there but a little different :o) Glad I was able to get something out-wasn't sure if I was gonna be able to at first!
Thanks for reading. I'm going to be providing the prompts next month (EEEEEEEE! Nervous and excited!) so things might be a little different hereabouts on Wednesdays but I'm still going to try and write and keep the updates coming. August here we come!