Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Words for Wednesday

As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write!


For now, here are this week's prompts:


Crocus
Fount
Shawl
Torch
Knife
Narrative 

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can read and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

Happy Writing!

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

A Busy Day

Today I had appointments for TMS and meeting with my psychiatrist, the first of which was at 8:00 AM! Lemme tell you, driving into Seattle for an 8:00 AM appointment is something special, but I made it right on time and had a good treatment session.

I had some time to kill between appointments and enjoyed myself at a local mall even though I accidentally consumed a caffeinated coffee beverage (sometimes I just forget to mention the decaf part when I order!) and set myself up for some exaggerated anxiety in the afternoon. I was a little late to my psychiatrist appointment because I didn't leave soon enough to compensate for traffic but overall the appointment went well and I enjoyed seeing my doctor.

We've decided to give another new mood stabilizer a try although it all depends on my insurance giving approval. I'm a little nervous and afraid of experiencing the jittery symptoms again since this is another atypical and I've tended to have that reaction in the past but I'm willing to try and see and hope for the best.

I've been having challenging days but not terrible days and I'm grateful for the little perks and positive moments throughout. The anxiety has definitely been plaguing me but the DBT skills certainly help and I've been trying to keep busy and keep fighting back.

*sigh*

Feeling fearful anticipating the new medication and potential reactions and considering how I haven't been feeling super great and already wore down by anxiety but I'm also aware that I've been feeling a bit better and am holding on to at least a little bit of hope that I'll find a medication that helps me in some way... all I can do is keep slugging along taking things one day at a time! So many people tell me things will get better and I have a hard time believing it but I believe it enough to keep juggling all these treatments and therapies and coping skills and yadda yadda yadda! Ugh! I want to be confident in my wellbeing!



Also, I heard that Gene Wilder passed. I was sad to hear this but hope he's at peace. The remembrances on the radio have brought bittersweet tears to my eyes multiple times. He was a good soul in my book.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Sneaky Momma Bloggin' in the AM...

The boys are still snoozing this warm Saturday morning and I am in the dining room typing away, only a little on edge as I wait for the waking cry of my toddler. It always stresses me out to some degree waiting for the waking sounds but this morning it's not so bad, I'm even a little relaxed and content as I let the boys sleep on a bit longer.

I think the happy feelings have a little to do with having had therapy yesterday and discussing my self-judgments and implementing grateful thoughts and building up my self-esteem instead of letting myself sink into mental spaces where I'm constantly apologizing for myself and feeling bad about my existence. That's no way to live. Talk about bringin' ya down! It's miserable!

Right now I feel grateful that I'm able to wake up and get moving in the morning and that I have routines like making coffee for the hubby and getting a little breakfast prepped and hitting the gym and that I have things to look forward to like visiting the local espresso stand before the owners hand it over to the new owners next week (sad but true, I'm losing my favorite baristas!). I'm trying to teach myself to dwell in the positive and when I succeed at this it feels pretty dang good.

So, I'm trying to cheer myself on internally and participate more earnestly in a healthier, happier lifestyle to bolster my lifeforce and stability. I'm trying to acknowledge and appreciate the progress that I've made the last few months and praise myself for all the hard work that I've been doing instead of harping on myself for all the things that still remain to be improved (it's so dang easy for my brain to see the darker sides of things!).

On that note, I will try to be kinder to myself today and I hope that my readers and blogging friends can be kind to themselves too and hopefully have some happy moments like I'm having now. It certainly saddens me to know that so many share similar struggles with mental health but I'm so grateful to have found this community and source of inspiration and support-thank you all <3

Happy weekend! Thank you for being you! Good luck and big smiles :o)

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Diving In

My first TMS session went well and I felt a little boost afterward that was much appreciated! Unfortunately it wore off and I had some anxiety to cope with this afternoon but my visit with my friend went well and I had a good time.

I'm weary and want to feel better NOW but I feel some hope for the future and that feels pretty good in between the awful anxiety spells and attacks. I might still be working through some challenges with my mood but the important thing is that I'm still trying and at least part of me still believes that this is temporary and I'm going to make it back to a happier, healthier state. Just keep swimming ;o)

Sorry if I haven't been commenting around a lot lately, I'm trying to do a bit more and have been having a hard time keeping up with my blogging at the same time but I am still following and trying to keep up!

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Vacay Mega Post!!!

For our vacation we went up north to a little town called Birch Bay and stayed with my parents at a condo. We played a lot of card/dice/word games and also saw some of my relatives (my two remaining aunts from my dad's side and even a cousin of mine and my sister for a little bit the first day) as well as participating in a variety of day trips and other fun.

It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.

Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!



All of us at my alma mater, Western Washington Uni.
I got a new sweatshirt that I've been wanting for months-
yay!



The hubs and BB enjoying the pool

Apparently Mom took a shot of me in the pool-
I look so happy I'm even comfy sharing
the pic even with me in a bathing suit!



The hubster had some very angry energy
with his very aggressive swings...
I happened to find him a perfect keepsake
afterward-an angry golfing Donald Duck ornament!

Can't golf without a binkie!
Action shot. He held onto that golf ball
nearly the entire time!

This reminds me of Godzilla for some reason :o)



Baby Bananaface preparing for takeoff
at his first haircut-he really enjoyed the
"Dora the Explorer" on the TV!

Me and my parents happily observing

Not phased at all-totally chill the entire time!
The "after" picture :o)


The hubs and I playing around
with Mom's "Snapchat" app thingy face-swap!

I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.


Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)

In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.


Mega post out!

Words for Wednesday

As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write!


For now, here are this week's prompts:


Fireflies (or lightning bugs, per your dialect)
Checkered 
Whistling
Solemn
Thermos
Sliver

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can read and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

Happy Writing!

Friday, August 19, 2016

Just Don't Give Up

So I'm getting help from 3 main sources-a psychiatrist trying to help me through medication, other psychiatrists trying to help me through ECT, and a therapist trying to help me through DBT-and now one of my psychiatrists has suggested a different type of brain stimulating therapy instead of ECT called TMS. It's all so confusing and borderline overwhelming but I'm trying to hang tough and keep fighting. I don't know exactly what therapy or combination of therapies is going to help me most but I know that I can't give up and I have to keep trying...

Right now I'm in an awkward place where I'm starting the transition from ECT to TMS and trying to balance DBT and waiting to see how things are going to work out.

I'm scared and nervous and just trying to keep on keeping on.... as long as I don't give up I can't fail, right?

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Words for Wednesday

As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write!


For now, here are this week's prompts:


 Whimsy
Shadows
Fluttering
Untied
Ice cubes
Sunbeams



You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can read and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

Happy Writing!

Saturday, August 13, 2016

School Picks and Hard Licks

So Baby Bananaface had "school picks" at daycare last week and I thought y'all might appreciate a sneak peak. There are three different poses and he's pretty stoic in all of them (hubster is pretty stoked about that bit, "my little soldier" he said, whatever that means!) and you can sure see that curl in his hair, wow-ee.




The quality is pretty poor but that's all I got at the moment. You get the idea :o)


In other news I'm still battling some dark thoughts and sadness. Actually shed a few tears this afternoon and that was nice just to get some of the heavy feelings off my chest. Been feeling discouraged about this never-ending battle against these bad moods and panics and all the negatives, struggling to remember the positives about life and the reasons for living and fighting the darkness but I'm getting back to that and trying to keep up the battle.

Still trying, one moment at a time!

Happy Weekend everyone <3

Friday, August 12, 2016

A Different Sort of Update



Here is a different sort of update with a photo post and a photo of my Bananagrams game from this afternoon.

Just doing my best to keep keeping on :o)

Hope everyone is well. Happy Friday!

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Splat, There's a Post!

Today was a tough day... For whatever reason I felt sad and disinterested in my usual activities and it took a special effort to stay busy and distracted and to resist the dark thoughts. Thankfully I'm not being beat up too badly by suicidal thoughts but I'm definitely feeling the challenges of a sad mood.


I wanted to write something for "Words for Wednesday," and my off day definitely influenced my writing! Hopefully I can write more of an update update soon (read: hopefully my mood rebounds and I have a better update to share soon).

Sea green
Froth
Sharp
Thousands
Rain
Abducted

His sea green eyes cheer me on, whisper encouragement and anchor me to this world. Carefully I pick my way through the cluttered path, over sharp shells and thousands of battered tendrils of seaweed that have been carelessly abducted by swiftly flowing froth. The rain falls over us and he smiles as tears crest my lower lids. "Some days are just going to be harder than others and that's not your fault at all," he shakes his head and rubs my shoulder, "You're doing the best you can and that's enough." I nod and sigh, struggling to refocus my brain on the colors around me and breathing in and out at a calculated pace... one moment at a time.


Til next time! Be well :o)

Words for Wednesday

As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write!


For now, here are this week's prompts:


Sea green
Froth
Sharp
Thousands
Rain
Abducted

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can read and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

Happy Writing!

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Words for Wednesday

It's Words for Wednesday! Come an' get it!

Glad you found me :o) As Sue AKA Elephant's Child says, Words for Wednesday is a moveable feast and I'm so happy to be providing the prompts this month.

Prompts can include pictures, phrases, quotes, words, music, or beyond and any combination of the above as well. Participants may use all the words or some, include the quotes or simply be inspired by the imagery, quotes, or music.

However the prompts move you to write, it's a-okay with us! The rules are, "Write, baby, write." Whether it's poems, plays, short stories, prompts, lyrics, or more, whatever you like-just write.

You are welcome to put your creation in the comments section below or use the prompts to write your heart out on your own blog (just please leave a comment here so we all can come by, read, and applaud your efforts).

Next month prompts will be found back at Elephant's Child blog but provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.


For now, here are this week's prompts (a rather hearty offering, but next week should be more petite):



Convalescence - Rancor - Empathy - Expertise - Dangle - Tissues

and/or

Wander - Bolt - Covert - Tempting - Sweet - Familiar



I can't quite explain the connection between the abandoned car and the cupcake batter, but they both reminded me of my childhood so I just went with it. I will post my own creation here tomorrow.

Happy writing and good luck!

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Sweet, Glorious Rain!

I had to wipe my specs a lot today but I sure enjoyed the miracle water from the sky! 

Snapped some random shots while I was waiting for a friend for a walk this afternoon and thought y'all would appreciate them :o) Don't have any slug or snail pics although there were quite a few parading around! My friend hates them but I enjoyed seeing all the critters hehe

Also have a picture of my Bananagrams game from this afternoon. Super fun! 

I'm getting along pretty well despite some near-panics this afternoon. Might be messy (having some nonsensical anxiety and challenging thoughts) but I'm getting where I want to go and that's what counts <3

Monday, August 1, 2016

It Ain't Easy

Been chugging along lately doing my best and accepting that things aren't always easy or pretty. Sometimes I just have to do what I have to do to get by and that meant an ECT appointment on Thursday and means another this Wednesday as well (potentially Friday too if I'm still feeling shaky). That's more ECT than we were planning on but if it helps us avoid a major spiral, boy-howdy, we gonna do it!

We have also switched up things on the medication front by discontinuing an anti-anxiety pill (it was primarily a blood pressure medication and while I didn't get any anti-anxiety benefits I was getting a lot of dizzy spells during my exercise classes that I didn't appreciate!) and starting another mood stabilizer. I've had such little luck with these meds that my hopes aren't up very high but I do hold out some hope that I'll see some type of benefit. At least I haven't seen any hives this time (yet!).

I've been staying active with my gym classes and walk/jogging at the park down the street and I've definitely seen my mood improve and my stress decrease with the increase in activity level. I've also been reaching out to friends and trying to be more social, which can be stressful for me but also benefits me in many ways. I've even begun a new volunteer gig with the blood bank! I have to take it slow and be aware of my stress levels and anxiety but the increased activity tends to keep me outta the darker spaces in my mind and I think is the right way to go for me :o)

In other news, my uncle isn't doing so hot. Like, he could go any minute type of thing. Apparently he has three types of cancer and some other health issues that make treatment impossible and it's complicated and not pretty.

This is my mom's brother and I think I mentioned on here that her sister, my favorite and bestest aunt, died this past January while I was hospitalized the 2nd time-so having her brother pass in the same year... I mean, come on. She's having a tough time. I don't know what more to say about it other than I'm hoping that he is comfortable and that his son gets to see him before he passes, he hasn't been doing so great for years so it's not shocking or that unexpected, but definitely still sad and a shift for our family.

Oh, speaking of, my sister had her gallbladder out. That was unexpected but not necessarily shocking because she's had wonky health issues and if anyone was gonna have their gallbladder out at 23 it would be my sister...

Anyways. My thoughts have been doing some racing and I've had some dark moments but thankfully my DBT skills have been helping a lot. Sort of odd, there was a local shooting and one of the victims was a babysitter that the hubs and I used during my first hospitalization... hearing that on the news definitely stirred up some feelings! So scary having something like that hit so close to home. Ugh.

This post is all over the place but so be it. Life is happening and it ain't neat and pretty or easy, it just is!

Sorry if I haven't been keeping up with your posts lately. I haven't been on the computer much at all but I've been thinking about it and wondering about everyone! Thanks for reading :o)