Friday, September 30, 2016

So far, good enough!

I'm hanging in there and coping and we are doing all right despite the extra stress of new surroundings and upset routines.

Having such crappy cell service is a bit frustrating though-didn't see that one coming!

Keepin on :o) 

Be well, happy weekends!

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Travel Time

Baby Bananaface is carefully scooping the cereal-flavored milk from his tiny toddler bowl, the hubs is frantically showering before I take off for my early gym class, and we're all on a slightly altered schedule as the day proceeds into a departure...

Not sure if I'll be able to type much as the weekend goes by but I'm going to try and do some mobile updates as I go. We're going to visit my in-laws on the other side of the state and it's been quite a while. To top things off the hubster's siblings (all of them) and their families are coming too (as far as we know) to celebrate Dad's 75th birthday.

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I feel homesick in a way. That's the kind of mother-in-law I have, you feel homesick when you don't get to see her in a while! His siblings are nearly strangers to me and I'm not sure if they're aware of the ECT and memory issues and the postpartum jazz... One sister I can talk with and feel like I know but even that is a minimal relationship. *sigh* I can only be me.


As for mood update... I've been doing pretty well. Panic attacks in the early AM but coping well and getting back to sleep afterward. Still get increased anxiety in the evening as I anticipate the sleeping challenges but I'm working on working through that. We shall see.

For now, just keeping as even a keel as I can and getting through a different sort of weekend this weekend!

Happy Friday-eve and early Happy Weekend to all! 

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Keepin' On

This week so far seems to be going well enough-although being "all right" feels strange to me!

I'm not in crisis and I'm not quite good. Though I definitely experience a lot of discomfort throughout my days it's not quite as much as it was and I even have noticeable moments of feeling "Hey, this is pretty good!" One example was just this morning when I was enjoying the brisk but sunny start to the day and admiring the clouds, blue sky, and this spider crafting their web:



I could've stayed and watched him/her at work for hours---oh! throw in some coffee and I would've been over the moon! but I had a schedule to keep and I went to the gym and threw myself into my workout there and enjoyed chatting with some of the ladies that happen to frequent quite a few of the classes I regularly attend.


Therapy this week went all right. I'm still feeling ill at ease and dissatisfied but I have not been able to work up to collecting my thoughts and feelings to bring it up with my therapist. I've been dealing with feeling pressured to achieve wellness and appear better and sometimes feel like I'm spending my time listening to her personal stories rather than utilizing time for my own therapy and she's made a few comments that make me feel she is anti-medication which is part of my recovery* and having her come across that way is giving me bad feelings. It's all grown into a sort of mental block against this therapist and I find myself feeling grouchy and resistant when it comes time for my weekly appointments! Not good...

Besides that whole gnarled mess there was an interesting coincidence this week in session when she brought up the fact that I might have PTSD. I had listened to a story on "The Moth" just a couple days before and been moved to tears as I truly related to this man's tale of PTSD and wondered to myself, "maybe I have some of that going on too?"   (Note: the hubster thinks it's just Generalized Anxiety Disorder and that's it, for the record)

The man was a combat veteran with 3 tours to the Middle East and when he spoke about the moment he realized that checking people for weapons and anticipating attacks around even corner wasn't normal I thought about my own fearful moments opening the door to my home and thinking that there might be someone inside waiting to attack me, or standing in front of my front door and fretting that bullets might shoot through it at any moment, or feeling vulnerable and scared in public, outside my condo, and even inside my own home... but relating so much to his examples and hearing him say that he made it to a place where he could recognize that being so afraid wasn't normal and he could relax with his wife and sip coffee in bed and just be-that gave me hope. That made me feel like I could get there too someday and I was so grateful for that.

That said, it sure sucks to be me right now in the midst of our family evening routines trying to surf my fear and anxiety and discomfort without getting too wound up or thinking about the future. I'm trying to stay in the now, trying to use my skills, trying to soothe and calm myself.

While I think many of my skills are helping, I also feel a heavy sadness to be dealing with these issues yet again. I feel a sadness for myself and the weight I carry. I feel a sadness as I yearn for a more comfortable and enjoyable "normal," but I'm just not there yet. Things are getting better though.

Things are getting better though.

Tomorrow is DBT class night which usually helps lifts my spirits. Thursday I have my regular TMS treatment and an office visit (check in with a doctor about every 2 weeks to make adjustments and check-in). That night we pack up and head east to see the hubby's family and celebrate his father's 75th birthday.

I'm excited to see my in-laws, especially my loving mother-in-law, but I'm nervous to see his siblings and be out of my routine and comfort (or semi-comfortable) zone of familiar gym classes and surroundings... I think I will manage, I think I'll do fine, and I'm planning on going for jogs and walks to keep myself energized-I'm just scared.

Oh the fear, so much fear.

Things are getting better though.

I will keep on keepin' on and keep y'all posted as much as I can  :o)



*Speaking of meds, I've been on Saphris for a week now and while I had some severe fears and anxiety the first few days I'm having a much easier time taking my med at night and I think it might be helping my sleep a bit. I'm still having wakings and panic attacks in the middle of the night-some that are quite difficult to get back to sleep after-but I think it happens less and I sleep deeper and without as many dreams/nightmares which I appreciate. It's a "wait and see" type of thing, so we'll see how things go!

Thursday, September 22, 2016

A Long Day, A Long Post



Today was quite a day in a pretty good way. Don't get me wrong, I've been surfing anxiety up and down and using skills, even popped an Ativan this evening, but overall I'm proud of myself and how this day went despite being off-routine!


It all started with hitting the gym and not a gym class. This was partially due to my schedule but also because the instructor I liked that did a class Tues/Thur mornings left to work more at her other job and they put a different class in that time slot that just doesn't challenge me enough (although I did try it once and enjoyed the social aspect).

Anyways. I chatted with a nice lady on the treadmill next to me and had a good, sweaty workout proving to myself that I can jog a mile without stopping-in fact, I took a short break to walk and then ran another mile! It felt good and I plan on doing so again tomorrow since my schedule is once again off-routine and requires an early gym visit that doesn't correspond with a class.

Odd detail, but as part of my schedule I opted to shower at the gym and happily noticed that I was more comfortable in the locker room. I even joked with a lady while I was only in my undies and bra!

"Ha!" I laughed as I unpacked the rest of my outfit for the day from my gym bag, making brief eye contact with the woman loading her locker to my left, "I guess ya know it's fall when you don't recognize the clothes in your own gym bag! I saw something yellow and had no clue what it was for a second!"

"Ha! I guess you're right!" She smiled and we laughed together for a moment before returning to our tasks in our own separate bubbles, but it was nice to connect for however brief.


My next social moment was chatting up the barista while I ordered my decaf double shot Americano for the potentially horrendous trafficky drive to meet my mom south of Seattle. We talked teas and autumn and laughed and it felt wonderful, a good way to set off into traffic I'd say!


My drive south went better than anticipated and I was able to reach my destination without hanging onto Google Map's every word from my phone (ECT memory baby steps!). Although when I parked and went to put my hair up with a band that I had scrounged from deep in my purse I found that my butt felt suddenly, acutely uncomfortable in my pants, as if they were chafing or pinching somehow all of a sudden when I'd been comfy all the way there... I couldn't figure it out so I decided to try and walk it off but as I walked away from the car I heard something clink on the parking garage floor and found my tiny Flounder pin. It must've dislodged from my purse as I scrounged for the hair band and somehow ended up under my right thigh in just the right place to poke me in the ass. Yep. That happened. I was annoyed but mostly amused!

Random pic of Baby Bananaface from last night
The hubster's caption to the grandparents was:
"Be with you in a moment." Ha!

Mom and I were meeting a mall and she got a little confused about which parking garage to park in so I had to give her some supplemental directions over the phone so she could find me (I had bags of hand-me-downs for my nephew so we wanted to park right by each other for the transfer). Feeling a little goofy and inspired, I decided to stand at the top of the parking garage ramp and overzealously gesticulate to get her attention and guide her to the right parking area. It was a good stretch-a one point I balanced on one leg and waved my other limbs all at once to occupy as much attention-grabbing space as possible-and my mom got a good kick outta it.

While we were in the mall I happened to come across a gal in the bathroom standing in front of the tampon dispenser in a bit of a frustrated huff and I walked up to her and said, "Hey, if you need a tampon or a pad or something, I'm carrying. You need one?"

She was surprised but looked happy to receive the offer and said she really needed a tampon. I offered her one from my overly cautious, abundant purse stash and we cheerfully parted ways.

Later on in the mall venture I paused to say hello and compliment a woman on her unique sweater. A compilation of white and browns woven (knitted? I don't know exactly the term or technique) into a cool pattern with llamas or alpacas and little mountains. I quite liked it and told her so and she told me it was made some alpaca.  We shared some bright smiles and wished each other wonderful days.


TMS treatment was a little different than usual too. I was exactly on time instead of my usual 15-25 minutes early and I was able to say that I was having a decent day instead of just listing all the things that were challenging me.

On top of this, I was able to relax enough to chat with the technician during treatment. I haven't really been very chatty during treatment, maybe before or after but not during. Today I was pausing the Netflix show to share snippets with the tech and explain the crazy traits of the different fish the host was going after. Today involved giant catfish in the Amazon and crazy looking alligator gar in Texas-with bonus slime!

You can check out the FB page here,
that's where the pic came from!

After I finished rewatching "Border Security: Canada's Front Line" I wasn't sure what to watch next, but luckily one of the Netflix recommendations on the TMS office's iPad led me to this show called "Chasing Monsters." I had never heard of Cyril Chauquet, but maybe some of my Canadian blogging friends will have seen him around on the telly? Apparently he's been doing shows about fishing for quite a while. Might have to look his other show up when this one runs out!


The rest of the day involved getting home through more traffic, walking the dog, and making dinner while the hubster and BB made it home a bit late. We all went to Costco which was enjoyable and I got to load and unload nearly everything so I got some of the strength training I missed from my usual gym class.

My mood has been mostly good. I've been able to stay positive and dismiss unhelpful and/or negative thoughts but I have had anxiety at my back and even a panic attack this evening. The hubster commented that it was nice to see me feeling more "me," and I made a comment along the lines that I'd have to take his word for it because I don't remember being quite this social and outgoing and sassy! But he says that's part of why he married me was because I was a strong, determined, sassy woman. Might ebb and flow with a mood disorder, but maybe I'm getting more strong, determined, and sassy stretch of things?

We shall see!

Right now I'm just focusing on a good night's rest and preparing myself for another off-kilter day schedule wise. Tomorrow is volunteering at the blood bank in the afternoon so early appointment for TMS and early-early gym time... a little wonky and jumbled but I've done it before and enjoyed the volunteer work. Hope that same lady is there as last week!


For now, the sleepy time.


Oh. Happy Fall to all my northern hemisphere bloggers and Happy Spring to those down south! Not sure I'm ready for the rainy season, but here it comes :o)





Monday, September 19, 2016

Sunday's Hike and Kickin' Off the Week

Boy howdy, it was a long, exhausting day Sunday but we had a good time and made it through in decent form.

The drive from the main road to the trailhead was quite... rugged, but the hubster did a good job getting us there despite the many potholes and loose rocks. It was a short(ish) hike but there was definitely uphill grade for most of it! The view was worth it though:


We got to take a little break, snack, hydrate, and throw rocks in the lake before the actual scattering of the ashes. Even Baby Bananaface was throwing pebbles and rocks into the lake! We took a family selfie too:


It was fun chatting on the trail, especially catching up with my cousin that I hadn't seen in I don't know how long. I"m not very religious but in a weird way it felt like my aunt was there too when we came across a little black Pomeranian named Midnight (she had a giant chow named Midnight) and that was a funny, special moment I remember.

I also remember not seeing a single slug or snail! ARGH! I love watching for slugs as I hike and I thought for-sure I'd see some big ole slugs on this hike, but not a one. Thankfully I'd seen some teeny baby slugs that morning walking Fio ;o)


As for kickin' off the week, I didn't get to sleep very well last night at all. Lots of anxiety and despite taking a Lunesta I wasn't able to sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch and had a panic attack or two. Very frustrating but even more frustrating were the discouraging and depressive thoughts creeping into my head as I laid awake. I did a little crying this morning out of fear and sadness regarding those dark thoughts. I just don't want to go through that again, at least not so soon!

Urgh. But I'm getting going to gym class and going to try and charge on.

One little bit at a time.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Weekend Update

Tomorrow we have plans to meet my family for a hike to scatter my uncle's ashes on Mt. Rainier. I know it's a bit morbid, but I've been looking forward to this event all week as a chance to get out and do something with my family that we don't normally do-and I tend to enjoy hikes!

Yesterday I did a volunteer shift at the blood bank and met a lovely lady that was also volunteering there. It certainly made the time go by faster chatting with her between helping donors and doing little chores. I hope I get to work another shift with her in the future.

Today I was able to hit the morning gym class and even managed to take Baby Bananaface with me and to the gym childcare totally solo! I get freaked out whenever the hubster recommends a little solo parenting action but I've been coping pretty well lately and it feels really good when I succeed so I'm gonna keep trying more and more while not overwhelming myself.

It's been an up and down day today and definitely have had some anxiety issues but only a few moments when I felt really crappy or upset. My skills have been working for me although dealing with anxiety for so long is frustrating and exhausting.

It's hard to explain what it's like to be on the "not great" spectrum near constantly, where feeling only a little bad seems like a pretty good deal and mild suffering is a normal thing. Then sometimes I just get pissed off and sick of feeling crappy and still other times I'm at that extreme of pain and suffering. It's so rare to feel really "good" or "fine;" the positive or neutral feelings seem strange and alien at times... I just have to remember that I'll have more of the better days as I get better overall. I have had stretches of happy weeks in my life and I can again!

Snapped a little at the hubby today (a rarity!). He seems to forget sometimes that my anxiety can be up for hours on end and I have to actively cope nearly all day and it can be very stressful and tiring. Sometimes he even asks why I just can't think of something else! *sigh* If only. I told him he just had to suck it up and deal with whatever deep breathing I needed to do to get through my anxiety and that was that. He said he appreciated my assertiveness and gave me a charming smile *blush* I felt like I was blowing up on him and he just took it like a tropical breeze! Oh, I sure love him.

Enjoyed sitting on the balcony watching and listening to the downpour this afternoon-even got to edit/revamp one of the hubby's essays which was really fun for me. So overall, a decent day, even bordering on good!

Wishing everyone wonderful weekends-thanks for checking in :o)



OH! Late breaking news, the insurance got sorted out for my new medication so I get to pick that up on Monday. Definitely nervous and afraid of side effects but hoping that it turns out to be a perfect match and helps me out somehow. I've never had anything but my anti-anxiety pills really help when it comes to my mood but it seems like it would be a wonderful asset!


Thursday, September 15, 2016

Let's Take a Break

I've decided to lighten things up a bit, so I'm snagging this fun questionnaire from Martha who stole borrowed it from Debra and I hope to have as much fun filling it out as I did reading their responses!

It's a big one, but I love typing ;o) 
*deep breath* 
Let's do this!



1. Are you named after anyone? Not my first name, but my middle name is my maternal grandmother's middle name. Bonus info: I'm quite fond of the fact that it's spelled "Katharine" instead of "Katherine" or "Catherine." Not quite sure why I'm so fond of that extra "a," but I am!

2. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday I cried several times throughout the day as I struggled with very low mood.

3. Do you like your handwriting? Yes. I get some complaints from people that "can't read" cursive but that's much more comfortable and faster for me to write than manuscript-although I do write very well in manuscript as well. Either one can get sloppy sometimes but I loved the penmanship exercises in elementary school and have always tried to write as nicely as possible since.

4. What is your favourite lunch meat? Smoked turkey. Has been for years and years!

5. Do you have any kids? One, my 18-month old son <3

6. If you were another person, would you be friends? I don't know, I'm kinda a recluse without many friends so the odds are kinda low! If we did find each other, I think we'd be good friends to each other though.

7. Do you use sarcasm? Yep, although I try not to use it in mean or hurtful ways... lots of teasing in my family through sarcasm left some scars!

8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yep.

9. Would you bungee jump? No thanks, the bounce/snap at the bottom freaks me out!

10. What is your favourite cereal? Huh. This is a tough one for me... but I think it's bran flakes. Yes, seriously! They're delicious and reliable. I can eat them for months without getting sick of them and they're a good, crunchy snack when eaten dry.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope. I honestly have no clue when I last tied the laces on my gym shoes but it was a long time ago!

12. Do you think you're strong? Absolutely-when I'm in my right mind. There are times when I believe that I'm weak and inherently flawed or broken but when I'm in a good head space I can recognize my mental and physical strength; and I've sure worked hard on building both of those!

13. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? Hmmm... I used to be quite the ice cream fiend but I haven't been as much lately so this is a challenging question at the moment. Huh, maybe it's an "ECT moment" with my memory? Anywho, I asked the hubby and he said Neapolitan is one of my faves (which also happens to be one of his least favorites). I do remember that I like to eat the separate flavors when the ice cream is really cold and as it softens I like to mix them into a weird, delicious gray colored mass!

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Unsure exactly but I think it might be "spark," or whatever little signs come together to suggest intelligence or being engaged with the world. For instance, when walking down hallways or trails I'm constantly trying to assess if the oncoming traffic is a collision risk or engaged, aware, and potentially courteous-not a fan of zombies ;o)

15. Red or pink? Pink. Used to be anti-pink, but now I have quite a bit of pink in my life and it makes me happy.

16. What is the least favourite thing you like about yourself? My mental illness. Things are a bit sensitive right now, so I'm just gonna leave it at that.

17. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Navy blue pajama bottoms and no shoes.

18. What was the last thing you ate? A few bites off the hubby's See's Chocolate Seegar. Love their chocolate!

19. What are you listening to right now? The ceiling fan whirring...

20. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Teal, magenta, or purple.

21. Favourite smell? Hmm... I narrowed it down to lavender, the hubby, or coffee.

22. Who was the last person you talked to? The hubster, of course!

23. Favourite sport to watch? Don't really have one but I enjoy baseball, football, and gymnastics (ya know, whenever I watch the Olympics).

24. Hair colour that's real? At the moment. I used to play around dying my hair but it's all natural now and I hope to have it that way from now on and reach my graying stage someday <3

25. Do you wear contacts? Not at the moment, my prescription expired and I ran out but I have and will again.

26. Favourite food? I've said lasagna for years so I'll just stick with that.

27. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings. Not a fan of scary stuff!

28. Last movie you watched? "Wreck-it Ralph" with the boys.

29. What colour shirt are you wearing? Light grey.

30. Summer or winter? Winter. Iced coffee is good, but the hot coffee days and snuggly sweaters are where it's at! So much easier to warm myself up than cool off.

31. Hugs or kisses? Hugs (that goes for chocolates and for the real stuff).

32. Favourite sweet food? Chocolate-in so many forms!

33. What book are you currently reading? I haven't read from it in days but I've made it through a chunk of "Stone of Tears" by Terry Goodkind. Hoping to reread the whole series, but we'll see.

34. What is on your mouse pad? Nadda! Ain't got one. Just plain ole dining table.

35. What did you last watch on TV? "Running Wild with Bear Grylls" with Marshawn Lynch.

36. Favourite sound? Bird wings. When I'm close enough to hear them beating it's thrilling and calming all at once-just does something different for me than bird song or other sounds.

37. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles. Went through a huge Beatles phase in high school and loved singing along through whole CDs.

38. What is the farthest you have traveled? New Zealand.

39. Do you have a special talent? I can be quite crafty, creative, and artistic. I've been known to draw and paint and craft and stitch quite a bit.

40. Where were you born? California, on a military base that no longer exists!



Whew. I made it! That's quite a quiz! Let me know if you decide to partake as well and I'll try and check out your answers :o)

For now, it's bedtime. My anxiety came up a bit this evening but I'm using my skills and hoping to wake up in a good place mentally tomorrow like I did today.

Maybe things are turning around?

Woke up this morning in a much different mindset-it wasn't the darkness greeting me, it was my right mind and DBT skills and mindfulness! The dark thoughts have been whispering but I've been able to brush them off and so far it's been a good day. Still early, but I'm hoping this upward trend continues.

Oddly there is part of me that feels a little disappointed that the darkness didn't deepen or continue-I feel like a liar or a faker or something. In reality, it's the disease and it's unpredictable and while I can utilize skills and treatment and therapy I can't really control the way this disease presents itself. So, I will just ride this ride and do my best and see what happens. Leave judgment at the door, we don't need it here!

Thank you all for your concern and support. I really appreciated seeing all those comments and drop-ins and will continue to keep y'all updated as I see where my mood goes.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Again.

Having a hard relapse. Not sure if this is last week coming back with a vengeance or a totally new front of bad mood-weather but it's taken me under like a riptide. I thought making it through the weekend meant I was back on track and outta the woods, but I guess not.

Things got pretty bad, pretty fast yesterday afternoon and even though I reached a point where I was ready to die and an eerie calm came over me, I decided to wait and see how I felt in the morning... Well, the thoughts were there to greet me this morning and I've been confused and teary and sad despite going to my regular gym class and going through the motions.

It ain't pretty. We've got an ECT appointment for tomorrow.* I'm disappointed in myself, in the hand I've been dealt... I'm just tired of fighting. The dark thoughts are so convincing, so reassuring.

I've had a variety of symptoms besides the suicidal ideation-crying and shaking and loss of expression, my face just slack and no laughter, no frustration, just "blah" from me... but nothing new. It's all familiar. I've been here before.

Sigh.

I don't know what's going to happen. I feel so "blah" about things either way it's a bit confusing. I would be happy to be snuffed out and out of the fight, I even feel dismissive about leaving behind loved ones and friends and the inconvenience and hurt that would cause-I know it's not my "right" mind but it's such a powerful sense of release that overtakes me in these deep dips... I'm sure some of you can relate.

On the other hand I can still grasp those whispering, rational thoughts that this is all temporary and the disease overtaking me and that I want to live I just don't want to continue hurting this way... Sheesh, it's downright crazy how quickly my reasonable mind is overwhelmed by these horrible, dark thoughts-like a massive, lightning quick avalanche sweeping my life off track. Ugh.

Like I said, it's confusing, but I trust the hubby and can still kinda hear that part of me that still sees the light and although there is a heavy presence of darkness in my mind I'm still edging forward toward wellness somehow.

I'm baby steppin' major today. Will try to keep the blog updated as things progress <3


*Apparently the doctors are wobbling between TMS and ECT, so things are up in the air for now but hopefully I'll find out this afternoon.... They want me to try and make it through without the ECT and stick with just the TMS, maybe do ECT Friday for "emergencies only." More confusion! Anyways. Will update later.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Sunday Review/Happy Monday!

Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and even though I had been thinking of the event all week, I honestly forgot about it that morning until halfway through my walk with Fio.

It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.

The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.

I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.

Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.

All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.

We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)

Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.







Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.

So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!

Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.

Happy Monday all!

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Steppin' Out!!

I was feeling... verbal? brave? daring? Whatever it was, it was a big leap into new territory for me to post the following to Facebook. It was all linked up with the following article from The Mighty. I came across the article from a couple of pages I follow sharing it and felt inspired to make my own statement in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day and National Suicide Prevention Week.


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It's World Suicide Prevention Day and just like National Suicide Prevention Week I feel compelled to post and share a little bit. #WSPD16

I really appreciated this article. I hate to know that there are so many others that have experienced the same heartbreaking pain but hearing their stories is so encouraging for me personally and I would think it can be helpful to those who don't quite "get" suicide. For those out there that "get" suicide on a personal level-keep fighting! We can do this :)


The following snippets really resonated with me:

“In the mind of the person thinking about the act, it is the complete opposite of a selfish decision. In that moment, we truly feel the world would be a better place without us. It’s a situation I’m glad some people don’t understand because it means they’ve never felt those feelings, but one which people who have never experienced themselves shouldn’t be so quick to judge.” — Jen D.

“When I tell my story, it’s not for attention. It’s a way for me to reach out and make others realize they’re not alone. I want my story to inspire others to keep going, to continue to fight, and to take the steps towards a happier and healthier life.” — Megan D.


I know the fear, the pain, the doubt, and how hopeless it all can seem but I also know when I'm in my "right" mind that life is worth the fight. I live with the fear of my disease convincing me otherwise everyday, but I keep doing my level best to keep fighting the good fight. #IKeptLiving

I know this post is ridiculously long :p but that's okay!
Strength and hope to all in the trenches... be well <3

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Today was an up-and-down day but overall up. I had to use a lot skills and I battled some anxiety but I've also enjoyed more relaxed time than usual and kept active and proactive-yay!

I'm a survivor, and I'm doing my best and that's good enough :o)


Thursday, September 8, 2016

Mobile Update-Date Night!

BB is at the grandparents' for the night and we are out at the M's
game solo! Had a panic attack on way in but so far having a great date
night <3

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Update/Words for Wednesday

This week I'm going to blend "Words for Wednesday" with a plain ole update. Never done this before, so we'll see how it goes!


This week the prompts were provided by Margaret Adamson and Sue Fulcher via Elephant's Child blog.

This week's prompts are:

Frantic
Lemon
Parasite
Spine
Pummel
Early

AND/OR

Staggering
Lies
Art
Naked
Preposterous
Windmill

I have been staggering a little of late. The past couple days have found me battling more sadness, tears, and fears than usual as hurtful thoughts and scary suicidal ideation plagues my mind. 

I am doing my best utilizing the skills from therapy and it helps a lot to simply label the hurtful lies as thoughts and dismissing them. Sometimes I use a visualization of a pleasant stream and casting my thoughts in the form of pretty white and pink blossoms to float away on the burbling flow of water.

We are still waiting for insurance paperwork to go through so I haven't started the new medication. There was a false alarm where I got texted that my prescription was ready and I assumed it was the Saphris but it turned out to be my thyroid. Well in the time it took me to get to the pharmacy I had worked myself up into a neat little anxiety fit. I wasn't able to use my skills and my fear of another bout of akathisia got the better of me. There is a chance of experiencing that side effect again but there is also a chance that this medication could work wonders for me (it seems that people love it or hate it) so I'm going to try it and hope for the best.

In other news, we visited my parents this Labor Day weekend and enjoyed playing games and getting a little break from childcare. I was, once again, more upfront about my mental state and it felt good to be honest and even better to get supportive responses from my family. On the downside, I barely slept the night that we stayed there and it was a little frightening having the hubster open the bedroom door on me when I was stark naked! In your home, it's one thing, but while a guest in someone else's home getting caught in the nude is much more troubling-at least to me!

*sigh* As I said, I've been having some challenging, dark thoughts. Unfortunately it seems to have infiltrated my dreams and I had some distressing, nearly-nightmarish dreams last night that upset my rest and spiked my anxiety this morning. It was not pleasant starting my day with such a dark outlook... there is such a strong belief in part of me that I just can't make it work, that I just can't survive. Evidence would suggest otherwise but it is still far too easy for me to believe those dark, preposterous thoughts. Old habits die hard and these bad thought patterns have been with me for a very long time.

That said, I am still fighting the good fight. It might feel like I'm tilting at windmills, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm worth keeping around and that my pain is temporary and especially trying to focus on the positives instead of letting my mind get stuck on repeat, droning on and on with misery and hopelessness.

I hate to end on a darker note, so I will mention a silly little story from my morning today: I was walking back to the condo after giving Fio his morning break and I noticed a lot of raindrops falling from the maple out front and the leaves shaking-it was quite annoying, like the tree was specifically shaking it's rain off onto me as I passed! I looked up and saw a frantic squirrel racing along the upper branches with some bit of food in its mouth. I was still wet, but seeing the cute squirrel certainly gave the experience a more positive twist :o)

I'm sending out hope, love, and strength to all. My thoughts are with you even if I don't comment or keep up on my reading as I battle through this tough spot. Best of luck, be well <3