Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Seriously.

Woke up a bit disoriented this morning. Didn't think much of it but then I noticed that my tongue was hurting. Tried to start my day and the hubster asked if I was okay and I said I didn't know, my tongue was hurting again like when I had the seizure. He said that was because I'd had another seizure last night.

Seriously.

I didn't believe him at first but then he pointed out the blood stains on my shirt and I reevaluated the pain from my tongue and shadowy memories and knew he wasn't making things up.

I'm doing all right. Tongue is still tender. I'm frustrated and it feels like whenever I feel I'm doing well or moving forward something seems to pop up and throw a wrench into things. Just seems like I can't get a break!

In related news, I managed to get a neurology appointment for later this week. Hoping they come up with some answers for me but I also wonder if it trigger subsequent appointments and tests and doo-dads. The hubbo said he can come with me and I'm really glad because I don't remember much about the actual seizures, just the painful fallout. We'll see what happens!


Off to do more ornaments this afternoon. It's been hectic what with Cyber Monday and all but I'm enjoying the flurry of activity and the challenge of the crazy specific or nearly impossible requests haha


Happy thoughts and well wishes to everyone :o) Thanks for stoppin' by!

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Thanksgiving and the Weekend

This year, like years before, we traveled across the mountains to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. It felt a bit different this year since my memories of years previous are rather splotchy at the moment-almost felt like a new experience! Although I do remember the feelings of enjoyment and relaxation and safety that are so closely tied to my in-law's place, so while things felt new they also still felt familiar and comforting.

The food was great as usual and my mom-in-law made a chocolate pecan pie this year that may make it hard for me to go back to regular pecan pie! So dang scrumptious. Dark as sin, it was so chocolaty, but when ya warmed it up and ohhhh... so good. Ahem. *recomposes self* Pie swoon over. I think y'all get the picture!

Our travels went well. We avoided the major traffic and the pass was clear, didn't even hit all that much rain either. We got to hang out with one of the hubster's sisters too and it was nice to catch up a bit. They got a little feisty over politics and such but they kinda like to do that so it was nice to see the hubbo getting his debate fix.

We had to leave and head home earlier than we really wanted to but needed to make it back Friday night because Saturday I had work obligations and we also had an appointment with the shelter to take Fio in.

It was a pretty emotional afternoon, especially for the hubster. We really truly believe that he'll have a better life with a new family though. We just aren't able to be the pet parents we want to be. We were actually discussing how surprised we were that this didn't happen sooner what with all the crap we've been dealing with postpartum... but no more neglect and short stick, Fio will find a family to pamper him. *sigh* Definitely feel some shame but really think that it'll be best for everyone in the long run.

Work was busy and will continue to be extra busy with Cyber Monday coming up but I felt really good Saturday after having an especially efficient work day and working faster than I'd ever worked before. They don't call me "Super Hannah" for nothing! In addition to two "groups" of ornaments I also plowed through two mega orders.

One of the mega orders involved a crapton of names on a Christmas tree, the same ornament 12 times in a row. I don't usually get achy when I work, but that order had my hard hurting! Here's a pic:


The owner wasn't sure if she wanted it dotted or not but I hope they dot it. I think the dots make it look finished, not to mention I don't dot my 'i's when I write because I'm expecting them to dot it up for me! Here's an example of the finished ornament with the dots. I was surprised when I started working here that the writing and the dots were two endeavors but now it's just "normal."

Anyways. Time to get Baby Bananaface brekkie-I let him sleep in a bit this morning :o)

Hope everyone is having a good weekend, definitely a wet one up here in the PNW!

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Quiz Time!

I was over at Joey's Pad and enjoyed reading her his quiz answers from a questionnaire she he picked up from another blogger over My Little Corner of the World and I thought I would partake myself! I decided to skip my second gym class and spend some quiet time at home with laundry and decaf, so a little quiz is a perfect accompaniment :o)


1 - Did you have an accident last year?  I think it was this year I nudged a cement pole in a drive-thru. That was lovely! I drive a big ole sedan and even though I do pretty well overall apparently I can still have my moments.
   
2 - Do you have any famous relatives? Not that I'm aware of.

3 - Did you ever have a kiss under the moonlight? Yes! My most memorable was the first kiss I shared with my husband in a rose garden on a park bench *happy sighs*

4 - Have you ever been jealous? Oh yeah. For many years I've been envious of my siblings' athletic talents. I wouldn't say I'm a total klutz but I'm more on that spectrum than athlete, that's for sure!

5 - How can you prove your love to someone? Don't know if there's one answer to this but I know one thing I do for my hubby is send him surprise letters, cards, and postcards or doodles in the mail to brighten his day and show him I love him. Picking up his dirty socks is a good way too...

Here's one of the surprise mailings
I have sent the hubbo, it is on the side
of our fridge now

6 - What are you thinking right now? "Ugh, my belly itches."

7 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?  Hmm, I would think so but I can't think of any examples.  

8 - Can you live without internet? Probably but I'm pretty fond of it.

9 - Have you been so emotional that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? I can't think of such an instance, I'm usually pretty good at finding words to describe things!
  
10 - Did you ever badmouth someone? Yes. Although I will say that often when I complain or point out negatives about someone I will frequently follow up such statements with empathy or positive statements. I know that no one can be totally bad so it never sits well with me to badmouth without acknowledging some good or potential for misunderstanding etc.
  
11 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt?  Jeans, but I do wear skirts pretty frequently and all year 'round!

12 - Do you have trust issues? I think I'm a pretty trusting person, to the point where I've gotten myself hurt quite a few times. I guess that's a trust issue!

13 - What's something that you made all on your own and are incredibly proud of? I have a few craft projects around the house that I am proud of-whenever I see them I feel good about myself :o)

I painted part of this before our wedding, then
during our wedding ceremony I painted the branches
and the hubbo painted the trunk. Now, every year
on our anniversary we use a leaf-shaped paper punch tool
to add a leaf to the tree and we added a leaf on
Baby Bananaface's birthday too :o)

Baby Bananaface's stocking. I also made ones
for the hubby and myself but they are in storage!
Guess this is also a "name reveal" photo for
those that don't know BB's true identity! ;o)

I painted letters and animals with BB's name
for his nursery and I especially like how this
little brown bat "L" turned out.

This painting of Mt. Rainier is especially
sentimental since the hubs and I shared a
special moment and kiss at this viewpoint.
It also reminds me of the paintings one of
my aunt's used to do.


14 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? Easy! The hubster.
  
15 - Who was the last person you hugged?  BB or the hubbo.
  
16 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? Huh. Don't know. I tend to believe in coincidence but I also see the beauty and marvel at how our lives come together... I think I believe in blessings and good luck more than fate, if that makes sense.

17 - Do people praise you for your looks? I've been told I have a good smile and nice teeth, that I'm photogenic, and the hubby compliments me on various things-so yes!
   
18 - Do you believe in destiny? I'm having flashbacks to question #16! I don't think I do.

19 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? Yep. Kinda confusing since I don't believe in destiny much... Ugh-brain overload!
  
20 - Do you like nicknames that are from your name? I named my blog "Hannah Bananaface," so I'd say yes! At this point, I'm over "Hannah Banana," but I'm still fond of "Hannah Bananaface."

21 - Could you ever be a vegan? Ugh, sounds like too much work! I could probably live without certain things but I don't think I'd ever want to be vegan. I like meat and dairy!

22 - Do you currently have bruises on your body? Don't think so but it's pretty common for me, so I wouldn't be surprised to find one!
  
23 - What should you be doing right now? Showering is on my immediate to-do list once I'm done with this.

24 - I read in a magazine that shoulder pads are coming back. Are you happy to hear this or do you not find them to be very attractive? No way, Jose. Not interested one bit!

25 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? This is a chronic issue for me that I'm working hard to address. Nearly everyday I find myself thinking negative thoughts along the lines that I'm not good enough and try to combat them by replacing them with comforting or encouraging thoughts instead. It's a tough mental habit to break but I hope one day to feel accepting of myself and be able to appreciate all the good in me.


Whew. What a doozey! I can see why Joey did half in one post and saved the other half for another! Felicitations to those that read through it all and made it to the end!

Once again, Happy Thanksgiving to all :o)

Monday, November 21, 2016

Rollin' With It

This weekend was a bit different than anticipated due to unforeseen events, mainly, my husband's best friend's dad dying.


I remember the hubbo coming out of the bathroom Wednesday or Thursday with his phone in hand, a funny look on his face. I had been filling out and addressing his best friend's birthday card to be mailed that afternoon and requested that he sign it.

"You might need to make a different card," he said, looking down.

"What do you mean? What's going on?"

He shook his head and sighed. I began to feel concerned.

"What is going on? Please tell me what is going on." I tried to pry an explanation from him but he remained quiet. I took a stab in the dark, "Who died?"

Tears gathered in his eyes and he sucked in a fast, deep breath as sobs burbled forth. He managed to tell me it was his best friend's dad that had died as we came together in a hug. I felt him crying in my arms and between the shock of the news and empathy for him and his friend I felt a profound sense of gratitude that I could be there for him in this moment. There had been so many moments when I wouldn't have been able to offer comfort or support over the past year and change, but that afternoon I felt solidly grounded in my ability to be a partner and wife.

I think all that we've been through postpartum and the thought of our own parents dying made the news hit closer to home but things became even more emotional when we learned that his friend's dad had died by suicide. After being so close to that experience ourselves having a friend go through it... just wow. It's still amazing to me in a terribly sad way.

The hubbo wanted to attend the service, driving over 4 hours there and back in one day. At first I thought that we'd all be going but then we decided it would be a better idea for him to do the trek on his own and me and Baby Bananaface to hang at my parents'. Thankfully they were in town and able to accommodate our needs although they had a busy Saturday of their own. I was able to integrate into their schedule and they were able to give me the support that I needed while being in charge of BB "on my own" for the day.

It was a stressful, tiring weekend but there were perks along the way: being able to support the hubster, spending time with my family, having dinner out with just me and my siblings. The hubs and I were even able to get home early enough Sunday for me to hit up yoga class! A challenging but rewarding weekend. Here are some pics:






Today was pretty tiring too. I'm feeling that last minute rush before Thanksgiving and the backed up laundry from our impromptu weekend journey ain't helping the situation! Gym classes were good though and it didn't rain, which was a nice surprise perk.

My tired brain has lost track of where I was going with this, so I'll leave this post here and call it good.

If I don't post again before then, Happy Thanksgiving to all celebrating. We are headed over to my in-laws and very much looking forward to our holiday time. I hope everyone has a restful, fun, and delicious day!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Words for Wednesday on Thursday

This week's words come from this here blog and are quite a challenging group! I will do my best and we'll just have to see where this goes...

-starship
-unicorns
-dogs
-life
-coma
-stroke
-fiction
-award

You'd think I'd come off some starship from some faraway galaxy with no concept of humanity the way I gaped at those panties. Dangling them in front of my face and wondering who the first ones to wear underwear were all those years ago? How many different phases had undies gone through until they evolved into the varieties we see today? 

I shook my head and thought about all the times I had put on panties without giving them a second thought. I couldn't fathom how many little things there were like that I accepted day in and day out as just part of life. Today I just happened to come out of the shower then pause and wonder. The sense of curiosity felt familiar yet special; bringing back memories of learning something new in school and being fascinated. That just doesn't happen as frequently anymore.

I finished getting dressed and flicked my still dripping hair behind my ears. I was feeling lazy and didn't even brush it. My hair care plan for the day was to let it dry out while I brewed some coffee and proceeded to tackle my mission for that afternoon: sorting through the stash of baby stuff in the closet and finding things to give to my expecting friend.

Digging through the piles of baby clothes and burp clothes was less sentimental than I expected. Only a few of the items stirred memories, so much of those early months had been obscured by the ECT treatments. I wondered if other women that hadn't been through such a postpartum hell would've been feeling mushy and craving another baby as they sorted through such items? It wasn't puppy dogs, sparkles, and unicorns for me. The thought of another child is still terrifying. Maybe it won't always be, but for now, one is enough. 

I smiled and thought of how much my husband and I had appreciated inheriting these baby clothes from a family friend. The thought of being able to provide my friend with the same blessing brought up waves of joy. I happily sipped coffee between piles of clothes and contemplated how much had happened in all the months since our son had fit into them. 

So many of the memories were lost to me at the moment, but the thought occurred to me that I didn't really need to know. That was then and this was now. I was working on being the best mom I could be now, after the two hospitalizations, outpatient program, months of therapy, trying oodles of medications, side effects, doing months of ECT and weeks of TMS treatments. So much.  It all seems like an over dramatic book of fiction. But it happened. I made it through. We made it. We had made it to a place where I could be cheerfully packing up baby stuff to give away instead of spending my days isolated in bed, my husband wondering if I were safe.

I praised myself internally for all the progress I'd made, imagining a gold sticker in the shape of a medal. It's tough for me to feel good about myself but giving myself little mental awards seems to help. Day after day the little efforts at building confidence seem to build up, slowly but surely. It was tough to acknowledge all the challenges but helpful to acknowledge my strength and perseverance. 

I shrugged and noticed the worn woven bracelet at my wrist. I recalled the young woman that had given me the bracelet during my second hospitalization. I wondered how the conversation would go if someone asked me about that bracelet and I said, "Oh, I got it while I was in the hospital." 

It occured to me that it's not really that often that folks are hospitalized. Maybe it wasn't quite an event like a stroke or a coma, but my hospital stays were weeks long and a major stress on my husband and family. Appreciating the gravity of it all brings up little feelings of guilt and concern but also pride and gratitude. Confusing feelings but overall I'm left with positive vibes thinking of how far we've come.

From inpatient to sipping coffee and paying it forward. That's sure something to be grateful for.



Well, that's how part of my day went. I felt like revisiting some of the feelings and it was certainly a challenge working in the words. Hope it's readable even though I haven't edited it very much! I think many of you will understand what I'm talking about regardless :o)

Thanks for reading and encouraging me to write!

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Ornaments & Random Facebook Quiz

Here's a picture of one of the ornaments I wrote:


The extra small stuff if challenging but one of my favorite aspects of the job! After I'm done putting the words on the next person adds dots. You can look at other ornaments at the website PersonalizedFree.com.

Here's a random quiz I did with the hubster for some giggles. He wasn't comfortable with me posting it on Facebook (like my friend that I got it from had) but he said I could post here. Guess he like y'all more than my Facebook friends ;o)

WITHOUT prompting, ask your significant other these questions and write EXACTLY what they say. The outcome can be hilarious!!!
•What is something I always say?
- *sigh* What's something you think that you always say? I don't know. My memory is bad the moment, okay?
•What makes me happy?
- Dad jokes and drawing.
•What makes me sad?
- *Depression.
•How tall am I?
- 5'7"
•What's my favorite thing to do?
- Uh, favorite thing to do... look at waterfalls.
•What do I do when you're not around?
- *chuckles* Listen to NPR.
•If I become famous, what will it be for?
- Writing.
•What makes you proud of me?
- Tenacity.
•What is my favorite food?
- Ooh... Indian.
•What is my favorite restaurant?
- Saffron.
•Where is my favorite place to visit?
- *beffuddled stare* Probably Bellingham?
•If I could go anywhere, where would it be?
- Iceland.
•How do I annoy you?
- You rub your feet in the bed.
•What is my favorite movie?
- "You've Got Mail"
•You get a phone call that I am in trouble, who am I with?
- Your mother.


Gonna work on "Words for Wednesday" tomorrow and hopefully have something to post then. Happy Hump Day everyone!

Monday, November 14, 2016

What to post, what to post?

I have been staying the course, plugging away day by day. I think I've been doing pretty well even though I've still had ye olde panic attacks and anxiety throughout, it's been a little less severe. Life has still been challenging but I'm proud of making some positive progress and also grateful for the bit of relief!

The shock of the election is starting to settle but it can still be quite emotional and I don't like seeing people so upset. I really hope things turn out better than expected and settle down as opposed to 4 years of emotional turmoil and stress but we shall see. Scrolling Biden/Obama memes certainly helped today, thank you friend!

In other news, the hubster's holiday gig was off and now seems to be back on (?) It's a bit confusing and all "wait and see" but I think tomorrow we're actually going to try out the extra shift and see how things work. I'm less intimidated by the change in routine than I am concerned about the hubbo's well being. He's been pretty crotchety lately and I've been worried about his mood. We did manage to get to a gym class together this weekend and I think that perked him up a little even if he was sore and dripping sweat!

I don't know. I'll just have to stay aware and try to support him as much as I can without beating myself up about my level of ability in that regard at the moment. I can't throw myself under the bus and end up relapsing and causing even more problems for us all. Sometimes it feels like I'm balancing on one leg while juggling as I try to push myself and build resilience but also maintain stability and wellness, but that's just where things are at the moment!

Been enjoying the holiday ornament work and even though the owner can be stressful I'm aware that she's a worrier and know that she can be triggering so I can usually skirt disaster and keep my mood stable even when she's stressin'. I really do enjoy the routine of working through the ornaments and the challenge of fitting the words into tiny spaces-so glad I happened to find this gig all those years ago!

So there's a little update :o) Gonna try and do "Words for Wednesday" this week too but we'll see what my brain churns out. Haven't been posting as much as I'd like to lately but I've been trying to keep up with reading and commenting. Doin' what I can and that's all right! *inner hugs*


Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Astounded

Last night I was quite calm. I even reassured my husband, "don't worry, he'll never win." Then we found ourselves shocked and gaping at the streaming news from the computer. Watching the electoral votes tally shift, we shook our heads and clasped hands. The impossible was happening. It wasn't a joke, it wasn't temporary, it was really happening.

We couldn't muster the energy to stay up and watch the conclusion, so in the morning the hubby whipped his phone out in bed and checked the results. He had won. Really. This was happening. It wasn't that we were raving Hillary supporters, she didn't really float our boats either, but we were more anti-Trump than anything else. I had been truly convinced that he could never win and then he did. The hubby and I were baffled and astounded.

Even though the results were so shocking and I would've never picked Trump for president, I still hold out hope that things will turn out okay. I can't fathom the scale of disaster so many seem to anticipate, yet I couldn't fathom him winning the election and that happened, so who knows what's possible? All I know is right now I don't feel afraid. I feel concerned or skeptical but for the most part I have faith in our country and even hold out hope that Trump can prove people wrong and be the president we need.

Sheesh. It's still not really sunk in. It feels like I'm stuck in some over-dramatized reality show! But all I can do is wait and see what happens.

Condolences and congratulations as appropriate to all my fellow Americans. I know there are a lot of happy folks just as there are shell-shocked disbelievers. In fact, I think that there are very, very few that don't fall in one of those two categories!

Anyways. The election is over and for that I'm grateful. Now we just gotta see where things go...

Monday, November 7, 2016

Good Friggin' Grief!

So a couple of weeks ago we had a nighttime incident where I apparently wandered out of bed to the kitchen and proceeded to have either a severe panic attack or some sort of seizure. It didn't happen again and we kinda forgot about it-until last night.

Last night I had a more apparent seizure though I have no memory of this. I do have a tore up tongue that is pretty uncomfortable and bloodstains all over my PJ shirt. Luckily the hubster heard my weird noises and caught on to what was up and helped me through it and today we had an appointment with my psychiatrist and brought it up with her.

So, we're stopping the Saphris since a rare and severe side effect is apparently seizures and my doc is contacting some folks to find a neurologist for me to see and get checked out by.

At the appointment I think I said, "You've got to be kidding me?" a few times. I'm baffled and almost entertained in a way by having yet another detour on the path to medication stability when I've had such a rough road to begin with! Yet another medication that doesn't suit me? Seriously? Ugh!

So change is in the air yet again. What we will do, I have no clue but seeing a neurologist will be a new life experience.

For now I'm trying not to think about it all too much. There's not much I can do about it all right now and I sure as hell don't need more stress and worry in the meantime.

Also today, the hubster and I had a bit of date-day with a trip to a jeweler to get my wedding ring resized and then eating lunch out. We indulged and enjoyed and even though the news from the psychiatrist is a bit frustrating, overall it was a nice excursion.

I'll be trying to take things one a time and maintain the best mood I can while we figure out this newest twist-baby steps don't fail me now!



Oh! Here's a picture of my tongue owie, not the prettiest shot by any means but gives ya some idea of what I did to my tongue last night:


Unfortunately no cute date-day selfies or anything :o( I haven't been in a photo-oriented head space lately so not a lot of pics of late... Maybe soon I will start remembering to take photos again!


Saturday, November 5, 2016

Sign of the times

Times are a-changin'! Here's the story...

The hubby had some big news Thursday night; he had an interview the next morning for a holiday gig at UPS to be squeezed in in the wee hours of the morning before his "real job." If he got it, it would entail me taking care of Baby Bananaface in the mornings and getting him to daycare on my own (big change). More immediately, he needed me to take care of BB the next morning so he could get to the interview.

Instantly I felt the panic lurking in my system. I felt the fear boiling up like big storm clouds within me. I managed to keep a relative cool (no panic attacks or tears) and coped with the news even though part of me was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I've had extremely limited solo parenting time lately and taking care of BB can be a highly stressful proposition for me.

Yesterday morning the hubs got up and went to his interview early in the morning and I managed to get me and BB to our respective places (daycare and gym) on time and in order. It was a big shift in routine for me and while part of me wasn't sure if I was up to it I think a larger part of me knows that I can handle more hands-on parenting now.

That said, the fear is still there. I worry about taking on too much and setting myself up for a big fall mood-wise. I even feel a little part of me resisting the call to action and increase in responsibilities. It's embarrassing to admit but part of me that wants to stay in the patient role and not bother working up to handling what I used to handle. That shameful, whiny part is one thing but a larger part of me wants to regain the ability I had, the more balanced partnership with my husband and confidence that comes from partaking in life with more vigor and commitment.

The fact that the hubby would even consider applying for a gig like this and think that I'm capable of taking care of BB in the mornings on my own is a huge sign of the changin' times and progress I've made. Even though I recognize this, it's difficult for me to believe in myself and have faith that I'm strong enough to manage. I'm still in a place where I feel on the edge of disaster, fragile, and unreliable. Even as I say that, I know that I've made progress and that I'm stronger and part of this transition back to wellness is waiting for my confidence to build up again. It just takes time.

So while I'm navigating that transition and juggling solo parenting in the mornings (he got the gig) I will have to commit myself even more to managing my fear and giving myself credit. It freaks me out a bit but I also feel like it's a major opportunity to prove myself, to step up and reach for what I value. I really do want to help support my family and my husband and engage more with BB again; I've just been out of practice for a long time and harboring a lot of fear about getting back up to speed.

The hubster knows I'm afraid and he knows it's a big change but he believes in me and is also very assertive about the fact that if things don't work out he can easily drop the extra job, no worries.

Other than worrying about myself I'm also worrying a lot about him. He's already running ragged and not taking very good care of himself with his current level of responsibilities. I don't want him to get sick or not being getting enough sleep or injure himself wrestling packages.

I know he wouldn't be doing this unless we really needed the help financially (I don't get the full picture there, he takes care of that business and we keep me in the dark for now-he says we're squeaking by and just need more breathing room) and I know that if he can't balance things he will pull the plug, so I'm trying to trust in his judgment and not fret too much about him.

He's a grown ass man that knows his own limits! But oh, how I love him and wish things were easier <3

SO there's the story. I think it's a good sign that I'm making progress and hopefully tackling the challenge will give me a boost in confidence. It looks like we might be in for some exhausting weeks this holiday season, but as the hubster says, "It's temporary!"

Ooh, reminds me that I need to work on registering for my winter quarter class-gotta order ye olde transcripts! Times are certainly a-changin' and while it's scary, I also feel a little pride that I'm stepping out and getting back into the fray. I might not be 100% but I'm doing a helluva lot better than I was just a few months ago.

Feel like my baby steps are changing into something bigger, but I'm not sure what to call them... well, whatever they are it's progress!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

November is Here

November is here and I'm adjusting to life without multiple TMS treatments down in Seattle each week. I've had my regular gym classes, which are good and I enjoy, but filling my afternoons is still a standing challenge. I've been able to cope relatively well but I think I appreciate a little more now how important it is for me to stay busy!

Speaking of staying occupied, I hope to be taking an online course or two through my local community college this winter quarter and, an important step on that path, I received my student ID number this week! Woo!

I am getting geared up for registration although I'm a little frustrated that class doesn't begin until January. I think I will have decent hours doing ornaments this month and partway through December but I am worried about staying busy... the empty time can be dangerous for me but I am working on my bad mental habits and I know that I will continue to improve as long as I keep trying.

Sheesh, if worrying were more enjoyable I could easily stay busy doing that! *pfft* *grumble* *wince*

In other news, I've been trying to participate in cooking meals more as well as help with Baby Bananaface more. The cooking can be frustrating because my memory is still rebounding from the ECT and sometimes I know that I've cooked a recipe a zillion times but I just can't remember quite how things go. Guess there's something to be said for experiencing something like new again, eh?

As for helping with BB, it's stressful but I've been pretty good about acknowledging and coping with the anxiety it brings up which helps calm me down so I can stick to the present moment and just do my best. There has been so much time when I've felt completely incapable of any parenting and been easily triggered by the stress of a small child that my anxiety can be far worse than the actual tasks at hand. Baby steps. I was able to go out and about with BB solo and give him a bath solo within the past week-big accomplishments!

This morning I hit the treadmill and did a cycle class and this afternoon I'm volunteering at the blood bank. There have been blue skies and sunshine and I am very much enjoying it. The grey was definitely start to get to me!

Anyways. That's some of what's up. I hope y'all are finishing out the week strong and that sunshine finds you too <3