Monday, January 30, 2017

Rough Waters

Been a wobbly couple of days... I think having a friend babysit Baby Bananaface for the first time and going out to a dinner with my folks stirred up some emotions and made me more vulnerable to a little dip in my mood.

I keep thinking about "27 days."

I asked the hubster how many days total I stayed in the hospital between the two visits and he replied, without a moment's hesitation, "27 days." It's seared into his memory. There's so many feelings and memories and pain and struggle. It wasn't just me falling apart, it was my entire family.

It's been pretty emotional and confusing having my brain awash with gratitude for being here and alternately shame for bringing so much distress, anguish even, to my family. Thinking about those I love most and how they stood by my side through all that madness and thinking about all the things they did to get me the help I needed as well as try to keep my little family afloat in the meantime... it's overwhelming.

Thinking about where we've been is one thing, but I'm also distressed thinking about where we are now. I'm doing better, don't get me wrong, but it feels like we're barely keeping our heads above water. The hubs is fraying around the edges trying to balance all the financial stuff, spending hours on the buses going to-and-from work since our other car broke down, working on his *hopefully* last class to get his degree, helping out with BB, me, and all the other spinning gears of life. I wish I could do more for him.

I want so much to do more for him but I also have to be careful not to send myself into a tailspin. I mean, hell, right now seems like a little tailspin! All these thoughts and feelings getting the better of me. Crying in yoga class, tearing up in interval training, losing my appetite and interest. I'm trying not to become too frightened and holding onto the hope that it's a temporary, little blip, but it sure sucks seeing myself floundering like this when all I want to do is be able to help my husband.

So as I sit here typing and crying, I can feel the sadness and anger but I can also feel the love. I know that I want things to be better and I know that there ain't nothing wrong with that. It ain't all roses but I'm here and I'm trying. My family is here and we're trying. We're just all gonna have to keep it up with those baby steps and soon enough the sunnier days will return.

<3

14 comments:

  1. We're all here for you and your family, too, Hannah, sending positive thoughts your way. Just remember, even though there are dips you are definitely in an upward trend. I'm sure your husband does what he does because he loves you and Baby B and that's what he wants to do. You shouldn't feel guilty, but I know that's easier said than done. Guilt has come up several times on your blog. Have you discussed that recently with a counselor?

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    1. Thank you <3 I think I'm going to bring up the guilt thing with my counselor during my next appointment, although the hubby made a very good point while we were talking last night (gonna post about that in a second!)

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  2. As long as you can still feel the love you will be okay.

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    1. Such a wonderful sentiment! And reassuring. Hold onto the love I shall

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  3. Dearest Hannah, sending you many hugs and lots of love! I am here if you need to talk!

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  4. Feeling the love is important and we are here, too. Talking with your counselor is also a good idea. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Hugs!

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  5. One step at a time, Hannah. You're doing great. And never feel ashamed. Sometimes we need a little help. And our families/partners are there for us. That's love.

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    1. Thanks Martha. This is a reminder that is always good for me to read/hear. I tend to forget that I would do the same for my loved ones.

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  6. I agree with Martha. One step at a time and also, you're a much tougher cookie than you know. Hang in there, Cookie. You got this.

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  7. Just take one day at a time. Things will continue to improve even if you can't see it now.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF