Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Good Birthday

Baby Bananaface's birthday was a good day. 

I had a good day too. Got to speak at an event for my local YMCA and help motivate the campaigners into the last half of the annual campaign.

While that went really well, I made it less than a couple blocks before I was puking in some random parking lot the hubster pulled into. Jungle Fever. My family came down with it and I guess we brought it home with us this weekend!

I barfed again before we made it home and then kept barfing for hours once we got home. Or heaving at least. 

The hubby kept his distance, apologizing for not being "a barf guy" or the "hold-your-hair-back" type, but he helped me get through the night in his own way!

So. Bubba had a great birthday. My speech thing went well. Now I can't walk to the kitchen without tingles and feeling faint but hopefully that'll last soon! AND I really hope BB doesn't get this Jungle Fever. REALLY hope!

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Baby Bananaface's Pre- Birthday Celebration

We were down at my folks' this weekend to celebrate Baby Bananaface's
birthday (it's on Monday so we celebrated Saturday).

He had a great time eating the raspberry filled chocolate fudge and I made
him and playing with the balloons Mom got him and he actually enjoyed
opening gifts!

We went to a children's museum and he had a blast. Was a little tough
getting him inside from the outdoor area but he was easy to distract from
his tantrum in a place like that.

Enjoy the random pics from throughout our day. He insisted on wearing his
galoshes and big hat, it was so cute!

I hope to post again tomorrow or Tuesday.

Happy weekend!

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Bumpy roads-but I got big tires!

Yesterday was a challenging day. I made it through. Things got bad but they didn't get scary. So, I'd call it a messy victory.

I think the first thing that threw me off was my gym class that morning. I've been doing especially well in the class for a few weeks and decided to stick with my 8-10-12 pound weights and not grab the 5. Well. It turned out I sure needed that 5 for shoulder work! Yeowza!

I was embarrassed when my instructor noticed my weights and offered hers to me to lighten me up. I thanked her and thanked her again at the end of class. I definitely felt disappointed with myself and embarrassed. Still working on those old mental habits of never asking for help and only success brings you love.

Another frustrating element to the class was getting lightheaded and feeling like I was creeping toward a fainting spell. It's happened to be before, years ago, and I think this time I hadn't drank enough water that morning and my hurricane strength period was working against me. I don't like having to slow down. I don't like sitting out exercises. A) I like to blend in, not draw attention B) Growing up, being slow or being a quitter got ya teased incessantly Cue more of the "no love without success" psychological drama!

The bumps in the road continued when I got home and started studying my next chapter for Medical Terminology, the Cardiovascular System. Woof. I had thought the nervous system was rough! This one has two whole pages of abbreviations and oodles of treatments and pills and tests. Boy. It's the hardest chapter for me yet and that it arose on a day when I was already struggling with negativity about myself... not the best timing.

A third pothole surprised me on Facebook. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate FB for a lot of reasons, though it can be a hotbed of comparison. This post triggered a memory of a conversation the hubs and I had a while back. I had mentioned something about trying to cultivate a friendship with someone outside the gym environment and he had said something about how he didn't see me and this other person as being compatible. They were more cosmopolitan... and I'm just. Not.

It hurt my feelings when he said it then and it hurt my feelings seeing a post on FB that made me think, "Oh, he's so right." It made me wonder, "Then what am I? Where do I fit in?" And, don't know bout you, but for me that can lead into a windy and complex maze of thoughts!

I ended up practicing a few DBT skills. Checking the facts and being mindful of what I have to be thankful for (I do have a nice variety of friends, IRL, online, local, and all around the world). I want to be me first and foremost, no more people pleasing and hiding away just to try and stay in someone's good graces. I know that I can be a good, worthwhile friend to have without throwing myself under the bus!

The next pothole was a computer crash that lost a chunk of writing. I had been dealing with some low level anger and agitation most of the day. That computer crash just put me over the edge. I got so agitated and angry! It took quite a while to calm down and made me wonder.... will my anger continue to simmer unnoticed and then erupt like that all the time? Or will there be a time when I spout off in less dramatic, more functional ways, a little at a time instead of those big eruptions? I've hidden my anger or pushed it away for so long that I am not quite adequately skilled in coping with it yet...

Don't know. Right now I'm gonna head off to yoga!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

My Birthday! (yep, it's a long post)

My birthday was yesterday and went pretty dang well, I must say. It was a busy day, but a happy day!

I started off my day at the gym, like usual. I took a class from one of the instructors I had given a card to and was a little anxious about what her reaction might be. She wished me happy birthday and then later on in class she sidled up to me and said, "By the way, your card was amazing."

She went on to say that her son saw the picture I drew and said it was so good they should frame it. She mentioned how much it meant to her and how sweet it was of me. We chatted a bit more and I felt really good and relieved that my card had been well received!

At the end of class she came up to me again and handed me an envelope. "I totally had this before you even gave me your card, I swear!" I opened it and saw a lot of writing so I decided to wait and read it in my car.

The message was so sweet. She mentioned how happy she was for me and how she was so proud of all the progress I've made and just amazed at how far I've come and what I've been through (I had shared my story with her before, so she knows about the whole twisted tale). She went on to say that she hoped I had a wonderful birthday and that she hopes to be around for my next birthday to see just how far I go this year.

I went home and relaxed a bit. Took a bit of extra time to pick out a "nice" outfit, do my hair, even put on makeup! I had class that afternoon and right before I worked up my courage to write a Facebook post that I had been contemplating... It included a selfie and blurb about what this birthday means to me as well as a thank you to any friends, family, providers, instructors, etc. that I hadn't thanked yet. It was a bit scary but felt so good (since then it has been well received so I feel relieved and encouraged!).

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, eyeglasses and closeup

I picked up Baby Bananaface and we headed to the hubster's office. I had picked up chocolates as a Valentine's Day surprise and haphazardly hid them around his office (I also hid some around his morning routine route, he had to find 14 little individually wrapped chocolates all together).

We continued on south and met my parents, my sister, and my nephew for dinner. My brother couldn't make it but it did send along a card and that meant a lot to me. I made sure to say a formal thanks to my family for all that they've done to help me make it to my birthday. My mom and I cried but it was a good cry!

One of the highlights of the dinner was playing Soundball while we waited for the check. It is a game I learned at DBT and entails throwing an invisible ball to random people in the group-but that's not all. Before someone throws the ball, they have to repeat the sound that the person throwing it to them made up. Then they have to make up their own silly sound for the next person to repeat.

Things got serious. Lemme tell ya! We were laughing til we had tears in our eyes! Some of the noises were quite challenging and odd. By the end of it we weren't even doing the ball-throwing motion, but including our own random movements for the next person to mimic along with the goofy sounds! It was really fun and I really enjoyed myself.

The hubster and I a rather interesting conversation on the way home from dinner. My mom had made a comment at dinner that I'm "a completely different person" now and it made me wonder, who am I really? What was I before if not myself?

The hubby, as usual, seemed to have an answer without even needing time to mull it over.

He said something along the lines of, "I think you were repressed before. It was more than just the depression and anxiety being out of control. You weren't able to be yourself, your true self, for a long time."

This stirred my mental pot further. I was confused and concerned about how bubbly and energetic and social I've been. Maybe my birthday thank yous mission and cards were creepy or over-dramatic. I wondered aloud, "What if this isn't really me and I'm actually hypomanic right now?"

"Ahh. Well that's a good point. I think, though, that if you were hypomanic you'd be having sleep issues. You'd be more focused on big to-do lists and pursuing lots of projects and overextending yourself. You would have lost focus on what's important, what's healthy."

"So maybe, I'm not being hypomanic, I'm just not quite comfortable with me being... me yet? Like it's still unfamiliar and feels unsafe? That would make sense." I smiled and then frowned with further concerns. "But wait, if I wasn't me before, why would you have married me? Was I just depressed and awful all the time? How could you know the real me if I wasn't the real me?"

He laughed and smirked in his special way, patting me on the leg. "Because the good times were amazing. When we met, you were doing well. You'd talk about fun little chats and moments with the customers at the bank you worked at all the time. You gave me notes and doodles and little surprises. Sure, when the bad times came you were different, but I always knew the good side-the real you-that was underneath. It's been there all along."

It's all still confusing and a bit "who's on first" to me, but that chat felt really good and helped clear a lot of things up. I've still got a ways to go when it comes to accepting myself and building the confidence that will help me maintain my stability and life a successfully happy and healthy life, but I'm headed in the right direction. Day-by-day I'll get there.

It makes me cry thinking about how long he's been there for me. Recognizing and appreciating just how much he's helped me through, how he's stood by side and believed through it all that we'd find the real me through all that darkness. His faith and strength and resolve is stunning.

He's taught me so much about what love really is and I look forward to learning even more together. I really can't ask for anything more. He is my hero and so much more than I ever imagined a husband could be. Nobody's perfect, but I think we're perfect together and that's all that matters.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes :o)

Happy Valentines Day everybody :o)

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Reverso Cards

So my birthday is coming up fast. Last week I had a conversation with one of my gym instructors about how this birthday means more than usual birthdays to me because I almost didn't make it here. She was very understanding and validating and I was able to share just about all of my story with her. It was awesome. She barely batted an eyelash and asked probing questions and was supportive, not scared.

Anywho. At the end of our chat she encouraged me to plan something special to celebrate my birthday. We have plans already to meet my family for dinner but other than that-nada. I thought and thought about it and then something popped into my head. I wanted to thank those that helped me make it to this birthday.

Money is tight so I decided to tell some people in person and then make cards for the rest myself. I've completed most of them (just have 2 more to go) and already talked to some of my providers in person instead of giving a card...

It was a bit tough for me figuring out exactly what to do and to not be too hard on myself while doing it! In the end, I drew each gym instructor a unique picture of an animal I thought they would like. A chickadee, a great blue heron, a border collie mix, and I'll draw an eagle and a husky today if I have the time.

In each card I wrote something similar with a unique bit included for each person. The gist was something like this: This year is a special birthday for me because I almost didn't make it here. As part of my celebration I want to thank those that helped me during the past year as I battled severe postpartum depression. Thank you for (insert specialized appreciation here).

I handed out a couple of them today and while the recipients didn't open them while I was there, they seemed grateful and I feel happy. Although I do think one assumed it was an invitation and I hope she isn't disappointed when she discovers it isn't! I suppose it is a bit of a reversal handing cards out on my birthday instead of receiving them, eh? Leave it to Hannah ;o)

So. That's part of what I've been up to in addition to my usual schedule and doing my best to stay balanced and moving forward.

In closing, I would like to thank each and everyone of my readers, commenting or otherwise! This blog and this community has been an amazing source of support for me during my ups and downs-especially during the last year and a half.

Thank you all for being such a wonderful part of my recovery and life. I appreciate you so much even though I can't always keep up with my reading and commenting! I'm so grateful for the encouragement and understanding that I've found here and have so enjoyed getting to know everyone more and more.

Looking forward to more years of gratitude and community-thank you!

Tuesday, February 7, 2017


Grumpy today after the icy weather screwed up my morning schedule. Also bummed that I haven't been able to read, comment, or post in the blogosphere. I know it's just part of life going through these patches but it's sure frustrating!

Anywho, I'm thinking of y'all and hoping you're well :o)