Yesterday was a challenging day. I made it through. Things got bad but they didn't get scary. So, I'd call it a messy victory.
I think the first thing that threw me off was my gym class that morning. I've been doing especially well in the class for a few weeks and decided to stick with my 8-10-12 pound weights and not grab the 5. Well. It turned out I sure needed that 5 for shoulder work! Yeowza!
I was embarrassed when my instructor noticed my weights and offered hers to me to lighten me up. I thanked her and thanked her again at the end of class. I definitely felt disappointed with myself and embarrassed. Still working on those old mental habits of never asking for help and only success brings you love.
Another frustrating element to the class was getting lightheaded and feeling like I was creeping toward a fainting spell. It's happened to be before, years ago, and I think this time I hadn't drank enough water that morning and my hurricane strength period was working against me. I don't like having to slow down. I don't like sitting out exercises. A) I like to blend in, not draw attention B) Growing up, being slow or being a quitter got ya teased incessantly Cue more of the "no love without success" psychological drama!
The bumps in the road continued when I got home and started studying my next chapter for Medical Terminology, the Cardiovascular System. Woof. I had thought the nervous system was rough! This one has two whole pages of abbreviations and oodles of treatments and pills and tests. Boy. It's the hardest chapter for me yet and that it arose on a day when I was already struggling with negativity about myself... not the best timing.
A third pothole surprised me on Facebook. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate FB for a lot of reasons, though it can be a hotbed of comparison. This post triggered a memory of a conversation the hubs and I had a while back. I had mentioned something about trying to cultivate a friendship with someone outside the gym environment and he had said something about how he didn't see me and this other person as being compatible. They were more cosmopolitan... and I'm just. Not.
It hurt my feelings when he said it then and it hurt my feelings seeing a post on FB that made me think, "Oh, he's so right." It made me wonder, "Then what am I? Where do I fit in?" And, don't know bout you, but for me that can lead into a windy and complex maze of thoughts!
I ended up practicing a few DBT skills. Checking the facts and being mindful of what I have to be thankful for (I do have a nice variety of friends, IRL, online, local, and all around the world). I want to be me first and foremost, no more people pleasing and hiding away just to try and stay in someone's good graces. I know that I can be a good, worthwhile friend to have without throwing myself under the bus!
The next pothole was a computer crash that lost a chunk of writing. I had been dealing with some low level anger and agitation most of the day. That computer crash just put me over the edge. I got so agitated and angry! It took quite a while to calm down and made me wonder.... will my anger continue to simmer unnoticed and then erupt like that all the time? Or will there be a time when I spout off in less dramatic, more functional ways, a little at a time instead of those big eruptions? I've hidden my anger or pushed it away for so long that I am not quite adequately skilled in coping with it yet...
Don't know. Right now I'm gonna head off to yoga!