Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Quiet Rapids

Things have been a bit haphazard of late. An odd mixture of slow and fast with a dash of numbness.

Last week was quite emotional as I contemplated the upcoming move. Panicked, really. I took a walk with a friend and she laid out all of her concerns for me regarding the move. Cue the "oh shit" moment! It definitely stirred the pot emotion-wise. It also presented a reality check moment with an opportunity to really consider and plot backup plans in case living with my folks/sister/nephew just doesn't fly.

Lots of sighs. Lots of packing. Lots of "I have no fucking clue."

I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm (a tad bit) excited. I'm a little hopeful while also feeling quite skeptical.



There have been some dark moments-moments when I've lost myself in worry. My confidence eroded by strong waves of fear. One day was so bad that I had suicidal thoughts flashing through my brain. Thankfully not impulses or strong urges, just fleeting images. Still, definitely a symptom of my stress.

Those down days-or just an afternoon or morning sometimes-weren't nice, were quite discouraging, and luckily short-lived. I was able to bounce back reasonably well and reasonably quick. I think my DBT skills kicked in and having help from the hubster, of course. I also think that having my mood be stable for longer stretches help me bounce back from the dips and resist the dives.



At the moment our condo is about 90% packed. Regular routines continue and yet our surroundings are changing. Walls are stripped of familiar frames and shelves. Boxes are piled up against walls. The kitchen is bare and nearly useless.

Honestly, I'm still not sure if it's all sunk in. It feels like we've got longer here, despite having no cutlery out and our food supply limited to things that require no intensive preparation. Driving into the lot today it occurred to me that I'd only drive into the familiar parking area a few more times... and the thought simply drifted away. No thump, no feeling, hardly a ripple.

It's the calm before the storm now. I feel stillness at the surface yet I know the rapids within will most likely overtake me sometime soon. I'd be concerned if the move didn't involve some tears! I think driving away from my neighborhood without plans to return will trigger some... leaving my gym for the last time in a long time (I have tentative plans to visit, just not certain plans)... and settling into the new surroundings will be rough.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a palace here. That said, the obnoxious sounds from the nearby arterial, freeway, and rowdy neighbors are familiar. The popcorn ceilings and dilapidated buildings, even the shoddy landscaping and rather "well worn" faces around the complex will be missed.

The hubby reminds me often to look forward. I know that this helps him a lot-fantasizing about getting a house and a yard and a new job. For me, it can help in little doses. Too much and I begin to feel pressure, even fear that I won't be able to achieve certain aspirations. It becomes stressful and I got enough of that!



Anywho. That's a taste of what's going on. Been saying goodbye to folks and enjoying the company of my gym pals as much as possible. I certainly hope that I can find a new tribe down south and at the same time it feels a little unfaithful to leave these people behind. I suspect that's a passing sentiment... at least I hope so ;o)

Trying to read and comment, it's just a bit tough lately! Catch up later, friends :o)

17 comments:

  1. It can be scary, yes, but I'm with your husband. Moving forward and living the life you really want to live. That said, I'd still tear up for sure. Well done on being 90 percent packed.

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    1. Thanks :o) I guess part of it is that I've been living day-to-day so long it's hard to focus on the future yet?

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    2. Nothing wrong with one day at a time :-)

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  2. Moving is one of life's major stressors. For good reason. However, you can have a life or an existence. Life costs more, hurts more and is worth more.
    Look after yourself - and hugs.

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    1. Very well put! I'm certainly gonna try my best :o) Hugs.

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  3. Hugs to you dear Hannah.You're really doing well with this and it is stressful and hard but also worth thinking about the possible benefits to you and your family. Keep writing or journaling or drawing if it helps. Good job on the packing!

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    1. Thanks e! One day at a time :o)

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  4. Moving is hard, at least it was each time I did it. On the surface, I knew it was the right thing to do and we were going to something better. That doesn't mean that I didn't worry a lot. Sometimes it was about the kids and sometimes it was about the money, but always I worried. And grieved. I'll tell you what my mother told me when I was finishing high school and very unsure of my future. "All old things must end, so new things can begin." That helped me look to the future in a more positive way. In the meantime, hang in there. As hard as it seems, you are strong and are doing great.

    I somehow missed the details of this move. Are there specific plans or timelines for it? I didn't realize that you were moving in with family.

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    1. Another helpful sentiment! Thank you. The plan is to live with at my folks' place for about 6 months to see what we can pay off and save up. If we're doing well we could start looking for houses (assuming we like living down there) and if not we'll have to reconfigure things. With such late notice and minimal resources it's the best we could think of.

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  5. Moving is always so, so stressful. Sending you best wishes for a smooth move and a happy settling in!

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    1. Thanks Debra! I appreciate all the good mojo I can get :o)

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  6. I'll be thinking of you as you settle into your new living situation. Good luck and good joy. The stress is just part of it for everyone. Let it be what it is moment to moment. All is well.

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    1. Ah yes. Moment to moment, just that phrase helps calm me. Thank you :o)

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  7. Living moment to moment is the best way. We can't do anything about the past, and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And living moment to moment is a lot less stressful than carrying weight that we can either do nothing about or that may never happen. Much love and hugs to you.

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  8. Breathe. I had to get a tattoo to remind me. It helps. 💕

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  9. It is indeed very stressful to move. Sending positive thoughts your way for an easy transition.

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  10. All will be well and wonderful if you make it so.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF