Sunday, May 21, 2017

Making Progress

My pie baking efforts continued today with a strawberry-rhubarb pie. I got the top to brown more although the foil on the sides for too long left a sort of coloration difference. I also forgot to put a cookie sheet under it and the overflow set off a fire alarm when it burned, hehe 😂 

As far as taste: YES PLEASE! 

Will repeat. Even my dad-who wasn't convinced rhubarb was edible (just don't understand why you'd ruin a strawberry pie with rhubarb) liked it. 

In other news, went for a walk with the hubs and BB this morning. It was warm and sunny and BB walked for a bit, then insisted on being carried. We got tied so I opted for a should carry! 

This weekend was a good break. My sister went to the beach Friday and then my nephew was with his dad. My parents took off Saturday for a Seattle trip. The hubs and I had a date night Friday, errands Saturday, and then an evening to ourselves before a slow Sunday morning with some chores and errands. 

A much needed break. 

Still working on letting go of others' problems and avoiding taking stress on myself. Glad that I'm aware of it (big first step) and hoping to chip away at this source of... agony? It's so distressing! 

Anyways. Sustained my first injury from CrossFit-somehow bruised the whole "chicken leg" part of my thumb/palm area! It hurt bad that first day and the bruise didn't show til the next evening so I was pretty confused for a bit. I think it was from the weight lifting, we did do some pull up practice... not sure. Getting better and still certainly memorable! 

Day by day. Gonna be a busy week! 

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Food - CHECK!

I remembered to take a pic of the pie right before I put it in the oven and then I forgot once it baked! We ate it so fast right after dinner it was still warm! 

Next time I want it to brown more on top. The bottom was nice and flaky crisp though. I was worried the berry proportions wouldn't be right (too many strawberries, not enough raspberries and blueberries) and it still had that triple berry flavor. ;o)

Also made dinner. Pork chops and homemade potatoes au gratin and some canned green beans. Once again, totally wiped out the lot! 

Felt good to have everyone enjoy my baking/cooking. Also enjoyed the distraction and keeping busy. 

In other news, I tried CrossFit for the first time today. It was a good workout and a pretty nice welcome. I think it's more of what I need than the workout classes at the Y although I am nervous about leaving my comfort zone.

I think the increased difficulty will give me more of the brain break I need as well as the continued challenge and opportunities for improvement that help keep me busy, motivated, and rewarded:o) 

I'm thinking it's gonna roughen me up a bit though... sure felt those calluses-to-be in my palms!

Mood was pretty good today. Got annoyed with my mom a bit and felt frustrated. I am still working on my acceptance and distancing. Her self care isn't my responsibility! 

In other news, Baby Bananaface found some Elmo slippers that really float his boat-and some sunnies to go with it of course! 

He also covered himself in yellow highlighter. I got most of it washed off though. 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017


Yesterday was a close call!

 I stuck to my routine and made it to the gym for my cycle class. Unfortunately, Baby Bananaface wasn't up to handling Playcare. They pulled me outta my class after about 15-20 minutes :o(

After that my mood started slipping. I was better enough to realize why and evaluate some options to try and fight the slide. My resolve crumbled pretty quickly though. My mom was supportive as far as encouraging me to hit another class ASAP. I just wasn't comfortable going to a noon class or one around dinner because of my obligations to BB. My family doesn't really appreciate the value of consistent schedules or nap times, so I try very hard to stick around and get those goals met.

Anyways. She saw me getting slack-faced and staring into the distance and recommended the rowing machine upstairs. I was noncommittal in my response and after a few moments she pointed toward my chest with an assertive jerk of her arm and said, "You get upstairs on that rowing machine."

I didn't appreciate the approach one bit AND I mustered up the courage to tell her so after the fact! In that moment though I was able to recognize how necessary it was for me to get a good workout ASAP and went upstairs to try the rower.

After plugging in my headphones and getting into a groove I managed to have a pretty decent workout. My mood improved pretty thereafter as well. A hot shower and some chores and a few rests (HGTV for the win) and I was getting back into the groove of things.

This morning my improvement has continued and I'm getting back into a proactive mindset. I've been emailing with the CrossFit gym the hubs looked into for me and I'm giving them a try tomorrow morning. I'm nervous and excited. I really hope it's a good fit and I'm still nervous about the level of intensity and fitness.

One day. One hour. Baby steps.

Oh! Baked some awesome bran muffins. Hope to post a picture of a luscious pie later this week ;o)

Thanks for being there for me, friends. Wishing you all a good week wherever you may be :o)

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Another Day, Another Dip

Today was one of those days that starts out a bit rocky. You think you can right the boat and paddle on and then everything tips and you're in the drink.

I was feeling down from the get-go. The malaise of a depressive episode shadowing my every move. I made it a point to make it to the gym-I even did two classes back-to-back this morning. That would usually turn my mood around and get me going. Instead, I felt bored. They challenged me a bit, though afterward I didn't get my usual post-workout high. I was simply back to the grindstone.

I felt hungry and yet didn't want to eat. I did anyway.

We took Baby Bananaface for a drive to help him get a proper nap in and for the most part enjoyed the drive and time to chat together. Toward the end of the drive though-we were discussing our relocation to the new area and long term plans-just a few misplaced feelings and fumbling statements pushed my mood over the safety rails.

Whatever bit of recovery I had made from the earlier episode(s) this week crumbled. I began avoiding eye contact. Not speaking. My face slack. Tears falling easily. Thoughts of suicide tactics and self-harming urges flying through my mind.

At one point the hubs tried to get me to promise that I wouldn't hurt myself. Even narrowing his request to encompass only this afternoon, only this evening. only this night, only today. Even then I couldn't say the words. I found myself saying, "How do you define 'hurt yourself?' What if it's better than killing myself?" It got very dysfunctional very fast. There was even some tousling and wrestling as I tried to escape his hugs.

Eventually he managed to get me into bed. Got me to drink a little water. Take some anti-anxiety medication.

As I laid there, desperate thoughts still clattering through my brain-I found myself a surprising respite. I imagined the hubster and BB in a new home. Tall ceilings and lots of windows and natural light. There was a peaceful, petite woman cooking in the kitchen. She watched as they played in the dining area, smiling as she diced and measured and stirred. She had sandy blonde hair and dark blue eyes. She loved them and she was there for them, able to provide and contribute and be a stable, consistent, supportive part of the family. She loved them. He loved her. BB loved her. They were all calm and grateful and happy.

Imagining the scene slowed my heart rate and my thoughts. Brought tears to my eyes and heavy sighs out my throat.

The meds started to kick in. Still, I felt haunted by plots to sneak out a window and walk down back roads toward the bay to swim away until I simply couldn't keep myself afloat any longer. I even had a thought of taking the family dog (my sister adopted it and my parents mostly take care of it and they all complain about her) with me and somehow managing to have both of us obliterated by a train. It seemed like a nice thing to do to get rid of a dog that annoys everyone along with the burden I supply!

Now I'm regaining some perspective. Still quite aware of the darkness. Still quite susceptible. Still convinced that I'm not worth the breaths I take.

Part of me knows that those thoughts will fade and a healthier outlook will return. Part of me has scooped up that sticky rationale that I'm beyond repair and not anywhere near the trouble or bother it takes to keep my alive through these episodes.

If this isn't the bottom, I'm certainly on my way for another visit.

Back to the battleground I go.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Another Rough Day

So the hubster just got home a few minutes ago. At one point he requested that I look him the eyes and he asked, "How long have you been unsafe for?" I asked him to clarify what that meant. He said something about suicidal or self-harming urges. I took a moment to reflect on my day and guesstimated between 3-4 hours.

The suicidal aspect comprised of imagery flashing through my mind. Visualizations of holding a gun to my head. Drowning. Self-harming urges consisted of desires to bash my head on the counter, cutting. I did do some emotional eating. Overall, just not feeling well.

The day as a whole went pretty well-other than mood issues. I was able to keep Baby Bananaface fed and mostly on schedule. He took a good nap. I got dishes, laundry, and some cleaning done. He was agitated and needy today. It wore on me. By mid-afternoon I was ready to be done parenting and get to my strength training class.

The hubster was staying a bit late at work to try and avoid traffic (some major accidents along our main corridor) so I texted asking whether he was close. He asked if I meant as far as completing his homework. I responded with a crying face emoji.

He called and we talked. I stuffed emotions. Avoided discussing how I was really doing. I kept breathing deep, trying to hold back my tears and desperate feelings. I sucked it up and forged ahead with dinner and getting ready for the gym.

Not even 20 minutes into the workout the childcare folks called me in to get BB. Apparently he was asking to be held, wouldn't take off his backpack, and crying when they set him down. At the old gym, no problem. Here, with the meek tweenage ladies taking care of the kids, too much to handle. After I cleaned up mine and my mother's workout stations I walked past the childcare area and saw one of the girls lying on the floor. She can't hold my kid cuz she has to lie down? WTF?

Anyway. My mom had took BB and said that I could finish my workout. I had started to and then I couldn't. I kept thinking about how my mom drops everything and takes care of my nephew so often for my sister and I didn't want to be like that. I can sense how poorly my mom is feeling-physically and mentally-and I just can't contribute to her pain.

There was a moment in my frenzied, sad thinking that I recognized that I have a disease and that I need extra help from time-to-time. I thought that I'm different from my sister and I don't abuse my mother's help. Then I thought about how wore out my mom is and I just couldn't do it... I couldn't give myself that grace.

When we got home I took BB into our room and gave him a bath, got him distracted with some toys so I could shower, then played with him until the hubby got home.

He knew I wasn't well. He knew I was isolating. He started problem solving. I'm still hiding in the bedroom. I used the excuse of needing "computer time" to avoid launching myself back into the family arena.

It's so stressful. Being immersed in this place... these people. I know they're family, it's just with my DBT training we talked a lot about avoiding dysfunctional relationships and I worked a lot on distance and perspective regarding my family. I'm losing that now. I feel myself sliding back into the dysfunction I lived within for so many years-so long not being able to see how it hurt me.

Most of the day I find myself contemplating the massive amounts of CRAP in this house. Every nook and cranny filled with stuff. Old clothes, clearance junk, "just in case" things of every nature. So much STUFF that the place isn't functional. To me, it's also depressing. For me, the stuff signifies so much unsaid, so much unacknowledged pain and emotion. I'm frustrated by the lack of efficiency and stressed by the emotional aspect as well.

Then there is the aspect of spending the day with my mom and observing her interactions with my nephew. Each teasing comment jerks me back to childhood and hurts my heart. "You're such a crankypants." "Knock it off, I can't take anymore." "Let it go." "Get over it." She claims over and over that my nephew is normally better behaved and not as hysterical. The fact is, whenever I've been around him (even before moving in) he's been whiny and crying-especially if my sister or mother leave. Talk about separation anxiety. He nearly passes out from crying so hard. It's awful.

The relationships between my parents and my sister, my parents and each other, my sister and my mother... Ugh. There is so much weight that I feel. My mom is so lonely and tired. Still coping with the death of both her siblings last year and pining for the husband she's continually waiting for to come home. He wasn't there when they got married and he was in the Army, he wasn't there when he got out and decided to pursue a slew of hobbies full force, with every spare minute it seemed. He said he'd slow down with the tennis thing once he got his goal rating and he hasn't. I love my dad. I always will. It breaks my heart seeing the hurt he gives my mom.

It also stresses me out seeing how much my mom defends my sister while simultaneously being wore out and slipping into angry outbursts when she finally hits her limit. Watching my sister ignore her son or sensing her emotional stuffing and bitterness spike my stress. Hearing the teasing and avoidance test my anger.

So much here is weighing on me. Then there is the fear. Is this a momentary struggle, a transition period-or am I backsliding? Can I adjust to this atmosphere or is the beginning of an end in regards to my hard fought stability? I don't know.

The hubby says I need to figure out how to accept help from my mom. That I need to figure out how to tell her when I need help and I'm not safe. I just don't know that I can. She throws herself under the bus so often... I don't want to be like my sister. I don't want to contribute to her demise. I don't want to her her saying what she thinks I want to hear. My family is such a huge part of my emotional regulation problem and history, I don't know that I can ever feel safe relying on them for help.

I don't know.

Baby steps. Tears. Fears. More baby steps.

Hope I didn't tire your eyes out too badly ;o) Thanks for reading friends :o)

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Visiting a rocky beach

I'm not a big fan of the beach as far as smells and sand. This one stunk although it had rocks instead of a bunch of sand! 

We found tons of crabs and saw porpoises, seals, a loon, eagle, hawk, squirrel carcass, a few trains... it was great :o)

Still taking it day by day and still facing challenges learning to cope with the new family dynamics. Today was a bit stressful...

Off routine and went to brekkie with my sister, mom, nephew (me and Baby Bananaface). Well, my nephew was freaking out and people were staring. Apparently my mom is self conscious about that. BB was awesome. 

Anyways. After the meal, Mom and I drove off with the boys and she said something like, "Now, you have to remember-BB was like that too not too long ago." It had a bit of a chastising edge to it that I didn't appreciate.

Yes, I was pleased with my sons performance at the restaurant. Yes, I had some thoughts about my nephew and wondered if his behavior is age appropriate, purely personality, or influenced by the different parenting styles we employ. I caught myself being judgy and backed that off-then I felt like she was judging me for something she assumed I thought! 

Confusing. Frustrating. So much that I'm not even touching on as I write this quicky email post! Ugh. Will try to write more later and explain more... it was a busy, frustrating day.

Whew. TTYL ;o)

Monday, May 8, 2017

The First Week

We've survived the first week of living with my family. It wasn't all smooth sailing and it did go a bit better than I expected. That said, I did bottom out yesterday. Since I had made it through the week relatively well I had thought that maybe I wasn't going to crash. Well, that's what I did!

I was feeling stressed and weary and lonely already. I'm missing the time with the hubs. Chilling out just the two of us or doing errands. It's all felt very rushed and we haven't had that same alone time. Well, by Saturday evening I wasn't feel well and I was still hanging in there by a thread. I thought a night's rest would fix me right up.


Sunday morning was awful. I had no appetite and just picked at my food. When the hubster wasn't looking I threw it away. We went for a walk thinking that would help and it didn't. My face was slack, I wasn't talking much or laughing, and my posture was slumpy and sad. I wasn't able to use my skills to get out of the funk on my own. I was able to recognize things as symptoms and identify feelings instead of take them as permanent and true, so that was a good thing.

When we got home I was weak. Just putting away some laundry wrecked me. I slumped to the floor at the end of our bed to rest. Just holding my bones up was too much. The hubs found me and made me come out to the living area and lie on the couch. I resisted. I didn't want my family to see me like that. He told me that I had no reason to be ashamed. That this is just part of who I am and there is no need to hide.

I laid there and didn't really watch the TV. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, which turned out to be wonderful. When I woke up I was able to make eye contact, communicate my needs, even eat and drink a bit.

From there I started a slow climb out. Taking initiative and getting back into the swing of things. Eating and drinking. Talking and slowly getting back into making eye contact.

While I had self harming and suicidal thoughts, I maintained some perspective and didn't feel overwhelmed or totally bottomed out mentally. The physical aspect of the crash was the worst part. My body ached something fierce and any movement seemed like a monumental effort. I was so weary, so, so weary. Even after my nap I was shuffling around, hunched over and aching. Eventually I started loosening up and straightening up. I was able to do some opposite action and conduct myself as if I were feeling better and that helped bring me up.

By the end of the day I was feeling back to good. I'm still worried about maintaining and improving my mood. I still have to find a healthy normal. I'm not sure I'm at the best gym for me and I'm still settling into a schedule for the day.

Especially challenging in the interpersonal aspect. Living with my sister and mom is quite stressful for me. Being highly sensitive I feel so many emotions around them. I sense a lot of stress and sadness. For many years now there has been a lot of "when I do this, I'll be happy" or "when I have this, I'll be good enough." I've worked a lot trying to get away from that type of thinking so being around that attitude again is a bit triggering and dangerous for me. I also don't want that for my mom and sister! So that's distressing.

Anyways. I think it's time for some hot coffee :o)

The sun has started coming out here and we're having more warm days. It's a relief after such a cold and wet winter. I'm still a bit nervous about sunburn and sweating like a pig when trying to sleep at night!

Happy Monday to all :o)

Saturday, May 6, 2017

BB Pics and a Whoops!

Fave sunnies 
Corndog battles 
Banana slug!

So the whoops.

I was upset and stressed and the hubs was picking at me trying to get me talking about it all. I was crying a bit and talking about things with my sister and mom. I feel like I can't put my thoughts and feelings out there and it's very stressful for me watching the (as I see it) dysfunction and trying to just let it go.

Anyways, I'm saying all these things thinking we had the house to ourselves.... then my sister walked in. No clue what she did or didn't hear.


Wednesday, May 3, 2017

How do you...

get a toddler to behave at Costco? Give him his beloved maple syrup to lug around!!!

For the record, we were buying the coke for my mom!!!