Saturday, May 13, 2017

Another Day, Another Dip

Today was one of those days that starts out a bit rocky. You think you can right the boat and paddle on and then everything tips and you're in the drink.

I was feeling down from the get-go. The malaise of a depressive episode shadowing my every move. I made it a point to make it to the gym-I even did two classes back-to-back this morning. That would usually turn my mood around and get me going. Instead, I felt bored. They challenged me a bit, though afterward I didn't get my usual post-workout high. I was simply back to the grindstone.

I felt hungry and yet didn't want to eat. I did anyway.

We took Baby Bananaface for a drive to help him get a proper nap in and for the most part enjoyed the drive and time to chat together. Toward the end of the drive though-we were discussing our relocation to the new area and long term plans-just a few misplaced feelings and fumbling statements pushed my mood over the safety rails.

Whatever bit of recovery I had made from the earlier episode(s) this week crumbled. I began avoiding eye contact. Not speaking. My face slack. Tears falling easily. Thoughts of suicide tactics and self-harming urges flying through my mind.

At one point the hubs tried to get me to promise that I wouldn't hurt myself. Even narrowing his request to encompass only this afternoon, only this evening. only this night, only today. Even then I couldn't say the words. I found myself saying, "How do you define 'hurt yourself?' What if it's better than killing myself?" It got very dysfunctional very fast. There was even some tousling and wrestling as I tried to escape his hugs.

Eventually he managed to get me into bed. Got me to drink a little water. Take some anti-anxiety medication.

As I laid there, desperate thoughts still clattering through my brain-I found myself a surprising respite. I imagined the hubster and BB in a new home. Tall ceilings and lots of windows and natural light. There was a peaceful, petite woman cooking in the kitchen. She watched as they played in the dining area, smiling as she diced and measured and stirred. She had sandy blonde hair and dark blue eyes. She loved them and she was there for them, able to provide and contribute and be a stable, consistent, supportive part of the family. She loved them. He loved her. BB loved her. They were all calm and grateful and happy.

Imagining the scene slowed my heart rate and my thoughts. Brought tears to my eyes and heavy sighs out my throat.

The meds started to kick in. Still, I felt haunted by plots to sneak out a window and walk down back roads toward the bay to swim away until I simply couldn't keep myself afloat any longer. I even had a thought of taking the family dog (my sister adopted it and my parents mostly take care of it and they all complain about her) with me and somehow managing to have both of us obliterated by a train. It seemed like a nice thing to do to get rid of a dog that annoys everyone along with the burden I supply!

Now I'm regaining some perspective. Still quite aware of the darkness. Still quite susceptible. Still convinced that I'm not worth the breaths I take.

Part of me knows that those thoughts will fade and a healthier outlook will return. Part of me has scooped up that sticky rationale that I'm beyond repair and not anywhere near the trouble or bother it takes to keep my alive through these episodes.

If this isn't the bottom, I'm certainly on my way for another visit.

Back to the battleground I go.

18 comments:

  1. Oh Hannah. Some days the battle seems unending.
    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.
    Keep writing. Keep taking those baby steps.
    AND YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

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    1. Thanks Sue :o) I'm hoping if I say/hear/write that enough I'll start believing it more and more!

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  2. Have you thought about contacting the therapist who worked with you? That may help. Hugs, and EC is right about those baby steps and you being worth it. You are.

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    1. I have thought about contacting her and she did say that even though we aren't "doing" therapy right now that she's available for help in times of need.

      Thanks e :o)

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  3. You are worth any and all effort! Today was a downer for me, as well. Thank God for a beautiful daughter that knows just how to half needle and half cajole me out of it. If you keep having this trouble you may have to go to the plan B you spoke of the two of you having. I pray you have a Happy Mother's Day!

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    1. The half needle, half cajole is quite a skillful balance! Hope you had a happy Mother's Day as well :o)

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  4. You are so worth it. You have touched more people than you'll never know. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who read this blog chronically your ups and downs who don't comment. The fact that you have shown them that things can get better gives them hope. You are saving lives.

    One day, one hour, one minute at a time. You will make it through this transition. As e asked, are you working with your therapist? When my son went to college, his therapist worked with him over the phone because he was too far away to meet with her in person. That would be better than nothing if they are too far away.

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    1. Thank you so much for these words, they mean a lot. I've tried to be more forthcoming and genuine about living with mental illness since my PPD and I do think that it helps everyone-ill and well.

      One day, one hour, one minute :o)

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  5. I wish you could see yourself through the eyes of everyone who loves and cares about you. Then you'd know just how worth it you are. I hope today is a better day for you.

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    1. Thanks Martha :o) Things seem to be looking up, thank goodness

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  6. Hannah, you are going through a MAJOR change. New home, new community. Everything around you is on chaos. Be good to yourself. This would send the most balanced person into a funk.
    Happy Mothers Day. 🌷

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    1. Happy Mothers Day Birdie! You are right. It's so easy to lose perspective when that darkness descends upon me. There is a lot to consider when thinking about stress and vulnerability of late.

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  7. Wishing you strength and peace, my dear.

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    1. Thank you Debra, I will gladly take all the strength and peace that I can!

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  8. Sweetie, aside from the very real SU and ideation, which can have their own very seductive attraction, the imagery of your new home, with all that love and peace and tranquility in it, is such a strong sign, it's still in you. If you can imagine it, I'm sure the three of you can make it happen. I hope you can dwell some more in that new perspective.
    Love

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    1. Thanks Els :o) I think practicing healthier thinking during my balanced days will help when those dips come along. Just takes the focus and go-getum to get it done!

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  9. Hannah, there is so much support for you here. Sink into it if you can. What Birdie said is so true. Nothing is settled right now. You're trying to find your footing on new ground. Breathe through it. One second at a time. We are all here with you. Sending love

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    1. So true, so true. I am so grateful for this place and these friends-you included. The hubs and I were talking and said something so similar to your comment! That nothing is set in stone and we can make changes as needed. Thanks :o)

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF