Thursday, May 11, 2017

Another Rough Day

So the hubster just got home a few minutes ago. At one point he requested that I look him the eyes and he asked, "How long have you been unsafe for?" I asked him to clarify what that meant. He said something about suicidal or self-harming urges. I took a moment to reflect on my day and guesstimated between 3-4 hours.

The suicidal aspect comprised of imagery flashing through my mind. Visualizations of holding a gun to my head. Drowning. Self-harming urges consisted of desires to bash my head on the counter, cutting. I did do some emotional eating. Overall, just not feeling well.


The day as a whole went pretty well-other than mood issues. I was able to keep Baby Bananaface fed and mostly on schedule. He took a good nap. I got dishes, laundry, and some cleaning done. He was agitated and needy today. It wore on me. By mid-afternoon I was ready to be done parenting and get to my strength training class.

The hubster was staying a bit late at work to try and avoid traffic (some major accidents along our main corridor) so I texted asking whether he was close. He asked if I meant as far as completing his homework. I responded with a crying face emoji.

He called and we talked. I stuffed emotions. Avoided discussing how I was really doing. I kept breathing deep, trying to hold back my tears and desperate feelings. I sucked it up and forged ahead with dinner and getting ready for the gym.

Not even 20 minutes into the workout the childcare folks called me in to get BB. Apparently he was asking to be held, wouldn't take off his backpack, and crying when they set him down. At the old gym, no problem. Here, with the meek tweenage ladies taking care of the kids, too much to handle. After I cleaned up mine and my mother's workout stations I walked past the childcare area and saw one of the girls lying on the floor. She can't hold my kid cuz she has to lie down? WTF?

Anyway. My mom had took BB and said that I could finish my workout. I had started to and then I couldn't. I kept thinking about how my mom drops everything and takes care of my nephew so often for my sister and I didn't want to be like that. I can sense how poorly my mom is feeling-physically and mentally-and I just can't contribute to her pain.

There was a moment in my frenzied, sad thinking that I recognized that I have a disease and that I need extra help from time-to-time. I thought that I'm different from my sister and I don't abuse my mother's help. Then I thought about how wore out my mom is and I just couldn't do it... I couldn't give myself that grace.



When we got home I took BB into our room and gave him a bath, got him distracted with some toys so I could shower, then played with him until the hubby got home.

He knew I wasn't well. He knew I was isolating. He started problem solving. I'm still hiding in the bedroom. I used the excuse of needing "computer time" to avoid launching myself back into the family arena.

It's so stressful. Being immersed in this place... these people. I know they're family, it's just with my DBT training we talked a lot about avoiding dysfunctional relationships and I worked a lot on distance and perspective regarding my family. I'm losing that now. I feel myself sliding back into the dysfunction I lived within for so many years-so long not being able to see how it hurt me.

Most of the day I find myself contemplating the massive amounts of CRAP in this house. Every nook and cranny filled with stuff. Old clothes, clearance junk, "just in case" things of every nature. So much STUFF that the place isn't functional. To me, it's also depressing. For me, the stuff signifies so much unsaid, so much unacknowledged pain and emotion. I'm frustrated by the lack of efficiency and stressed by the emotional aspect as well.

Then there is the aspect of spending the day with my mom and observing her interactions with my nephew. Each teasing comment jerks me back to childhood and hurts my heart. "You're such a crankypants." "Knock it off, I can't take anymore." "Let it go." "Get over it." She claims over and over that my nephew is normally better behaved and not as hysterical. The fact is, whenever I've been around him (even before moving in) he's been whiny and crying-especially if my sister or mother leave. Talk about separation anxiety. He nearly passes out from crying so hard. It's awful.

The relationships between my parents and my sister, my parents and each other, my sister and my mother... Ugh. There is so much weight that I feel. My mom is so lonely and tired. Still coping with the death of both her siblings last year and pining for the husband she's continually waiting for to come home. He wasn't there when they got married and he was in the Army, he wasn't there when he got out and decided to pursue a slew of hobbies full force, with every spare minute it seemed. He said he'd slow down with the tennis thing once he got his goal rating and he hasn't. I love my dad. I always will. It breaks my heart seeing the hurt he gives my mom.

It also stresses me out seeing how much my mom defends my sister while simultaneously being wore out and slipping into angry outbursts when she finally hits her limit. Watching my sister ignore her son or sensing her emotional stuffing and bitterness spike my stress. Hearing the teasing and avoidance test my anger.



So much here is weighing on me. Then there is the fear. Is this a momentary struggle, a transition period-or am I backsliding? Can I adjust to this atmosphere or is the beginning of an end in regards to my hard fought stability? I don't know.

The hubby says I need to figure out how to accept help from my mom. That I need to figure out how to tell her when I need help and I'm not safe. I just don't know that I can. She throws herself under the bus so often... I don't want to be like my sister. I don't want to contribute to her demise. I don't want to her her saying what she thinks I want to hear. My family is such a huge part of my emotional regulation problem and history, I don't know that I can ever feel safe relying on them for help.

I don't know.

Baby steps. Tears. Fears. More baby steps.


Hope I didn't tire your eyes out too badly ;o) Thanks for reading friends :o)

18 comments:

  1. Dear, I tell you God's honest truth, your Mama can live with you needing her sometimes. What she, nor BB or the hubster can live without is YOU in their life. What Mama puts up with from others is on her, not you. You can't control that...let it go! You don't want to take advantage, and you won't. But when you really need her, turn to her. Don't deny her the blessing of helping her child when she needs her. Prayers & love, Barbara

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    1. Very well put Barbara. It's a hard thing to relearn that way of relating to your mother. For so many years we've been devoid of deep, meaningful talks or open affection. It makes communicating needs very difficult.

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  2. Hard as it is, you need to give yourself the grace of accepting help. And letting your mother make her own decisions (both good and bad) about what she does.
    Hugs. Always.

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    1. Thanks :o) Hugs definitely returned and appreciated.

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  3. You've done a beautiful job of expressing your feelings here. I hope this at least one place that you feel safe and won't stuff your feelings. We care and want to know.

    You are in a very difficult situation now. Even in the best of family relationships, it is very hard to live together as adults. Let your mom or whoever help you. Keep yourself strong and you might be able to help her sometimes. As Barbara said, don't deny her the privilege of helping one of her children. Maybe that feels good to her because you really need it.

    I recognize some of myself in what you said. I am always projecting my feelings onto other people. Meaning, I imagine how I would feel in their situation and feel bad myself. I'm very empathetic. However,I am not them and don't really know how they feel. Sometimes it's very different than I imagined. I have found this several times with my kids, who are now adults. As hard as it may be, don't project yourself onto the other members of you family. Even if they feel the way you think they do, you can't fix it. You can only take care of yourself and your family. I find this very hard to do, but use the little self talk of "I am not them and only they can fix their problems."

    So much more to say, but I should stop before your eyes get too tire. :)

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    1. I think you are spot on when it comes to reading others' minds. I am very empathetic and I can sense a lot of feelings and intuit a lot of thoughts, that doesn't make me a mindreader. Unless they bring it up, it ain't certain. It ain't my problem either way. Only how it directly effects my life or my son and my husband.

      Thank you for putting all that out there!

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  4. I knew that you moved there but I wasn't around for the why so my question is, how long are you staying with your mom?

    Too much clutter makes it hard to breathe.

    Sorry you're struggling so much. You write these posts well, like I'm sitting with you having tea.

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    1. The goal is 6 months. The hubby even mentioned staying a year if things were working well so we could get into an even better financial position before buying a home.

      It's quite intimidating. I'm not even convinced I want to live down here! Definitely not sure if I can survive that long in my parent's home.

      The clutter... It's bothered me for years and years and years. It's a contagion. They seem to think it's necessary and then struggle with trying to polish up the appearance of their home and yard. Constantly rearranging the junk, starting and not finishing projects. It's all very invalidating, stressful. I get the impression that enough is never enough.

      Thank you the compliment. Tea sounds delightful!

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  5. You've done a wonderful job of expressing how you feel here. You're in a tough spot living in your parents house--that is never easy once you're an adult and you're tackling the transition the best you can. Remember that this is temporary. Also remember that you cannot change others and that you are not a burden and that it is okay for you to accept help from Mom sometimes. As for the clutter and how often Mom helps your sister or Dad, you cannot change that and those choices are for your mother to make. Clutter get to you? Take a walk, do some yoga, read, take the kids out for a bit of fresh air, talk with your husband and write. We also care here and want you to be your best. Hugs!

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    1. Hugs e! Thank you, friend :o) I do think that getting out and about more will help me. I'll just have to get up the gumption to go explore and find my new favorite places.

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  6. As a mom I absolutely, 100% want my kids to ask for help when they need it. Have a talk with her about how your feeling and your reluctance to ask for help. As her how she is feeling.
    Are you staying long term there?

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    1. Aiming for 6 months or more. Talking about it with her is a scary prospect for me. When we talk about emotions and "deep" stuff she can get very uncomfortable and avoid-y. She tends to take offense at everything. I would have to work really hard to build up my confidence as well as a plan of attack with my words. If it helped, it would be worth the trouble.

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  7. I think you are very brave, and incredibly patient. As mentioned, I couldn't live with my family on a good day, moodwise...you are strong and I admire you!

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    1. Thanks Kitty :o) I'm trying to remember ME and not get sucked back into the false depressed me.

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  8. I'm positive this is a temporary setback for you.
    At the same time: 6 months is a very long time. Seeing how far you've come, is it wise to jeopardize depleting all your reserves by trying so hard to 'fit back' into this family dynamics?
    I don't any adult - with or without a psychiatric condition - that would do well moving back home for 6 months.
    Is there any way you could find other living arrangements?

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    1. We have discussed some backup plans and unless things get under control and improve quickly, we may have to put them into action a lot quicker than we expected

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  9. As a mom of young adult kids, I can tell you that never, ever do I feel burdened when my kids ask for help no matter if I'm tired or busy or whatnot. Let your mom decide how she wants to handle things. You don't need to carry every burden of the family on your shoulders. And you certainly can't change anyone. Accept them as they are and let them figure things out, and how to be with each other. Take care of you and your own family. It is a real struggle to live with family members in such close quarters again when you're used to living away from them.

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    1. I'm certainly having a tough time accepting my family as they are and not having it break my heart. It's really hard for me to ask my mother for help as she's one of the main people that taught me to NOT ask for help and hide my feelings and worries and to smother my needs and put everyone else's needs first.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF