Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Departure

Today has been a break from routine as was yesterday. It's a bit stressful and at the same time a wonderful departure. I've been making the long(ish) drive north back to our "home" area for a few appointments. I've been able to reconnect with friends, cruise familiar places, and have some plain ole solo adventure time.

After having a nice long chat with a DBT friend I'm feeling more aware of the hazards regarding living with my family. Another friend I met with yesterday had expressed similar concerns without the DBT language and it raised flags just didn't settle in the same way. Today, my friend and I spoke in "technical terms" and the mechanics of it all sunk in a bit more.

Honestly, I haven't been living as mindfully as I want to lately. The stress of our living situation and trying to navigate the dynamics of my family--old norms and blossoming habits--it's been occupying a lot of space in my brain. The distraction can be good, it can also be a sort of trap. "Woohoo! Hannah, look over here!" *CLANG* "Oh shit, guess there was a bear trap there...." Hopefully that makes a modicum of sense haha

So, it raises the hair on the back of my neck talking honestly about my living situation and the transitional period we're in. It also gives me a sense of calm... a sort of zen moment that may allow me to refocus and engage in a more skillful approach to my challenges in the hopes of maintaining the progress that I've made and avoiding backslides.

I already feel that I'm sliding. My affect and turn of phrase morphing back into my (enter maiden name here) role. That constant joking, sarcasm, and teasing overtaking my conversations instead of genuine, purposeful, thoughtful words that I prefer and appreciate. I think that's part of what was so relieving having that Saturday night just me and hubster. No pressure, no walls, just being us and knowing that we're loved and accepted as-is.

I'm still working on developing my "life worth living" and asserting my personal values. One of those values is being genuine and forthcoming. No hiding. No pandering. Building the belief within myself that I'm worthwhile and have a right to be here and that I'm worth something-a lot of that practice comes from using my voice and speaking my truth. Being myself. Not living in a way that reinforces shame and fear. Not exactly accepted practice around my first family...

Still very intimidated by trying to maintain this practice in this environment-I think I'd go as far to say "unhealthy" environment. I don't want to over-dramatize; my DBT friend even said, "It's one thing to practice these skills and keep yourself on the right track when in your own safe bubble-it's quite another when you're thrust back into the middle of what made you need DBT in the first place!" Amen.

There's a taste of what's goin' on with me ;o)



In other news, I'm going to see my fabulous OBGYN for my pre-op appointment in just a little bit. I took care of a call from the surgery paper pushers regarding basic health questions (very nice gals, just felt a little "shouldn't you have all this from my files already?" guess it's better to be safe.)

I'm still excited to have the surgery performed although I'm getting a little worried about the recovery period. They say I'll need about a week of down time and then I can work back up to my regular activities. Having just started with CrossFit, I'm not sure how that will go... I'm pretty good at telling what I can do and what I can't. Maybe it's just one of those "wait and see," "you'll know when you get there" types of things? I just don't want to take too much time off when my exercise is such a cornerstone of my mood management.

My mother was minimizing the procedure. Felt a little... invalidating? Insulting? I don't know, "enter negative feeling here." Anyways. Maybe it won't be that bad. That'd be great. In the meantime, I will try to be prepared for a challenge. I tend to handle pain pretty well and heal relatively quickly *knockonwood*

Hoping everyone is doing well and that my northern hemisphere friends are enjoying this shift toward summer weather. I'm a little miffed with how hot it got so abruptly! I am enjoying the sunshine ;o) Hoping that I'll cope with the heat a little better being comfortable wearing tanks and shorts this year instead of t-shirts and capris. Just a little bit of fabric makes a big difference to me!


Happy Humpday <3

21 comments:

  1. I was listening to a You Tube video where the speaker (a Rinpoche) asks if he thinks people are Mindful. About 1/2 said yes and the other 1/2 said no. His response was that thinking you are not Mindful actually shows you are Mindful. So when you say that you wish you could be more so it shows that you are. So there ya go!

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    1. Haha-sounds about right to me ;o)

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  2. I hope all goes well with your surgery and kudos for reaching out and talking about your current situation with friends and here. You are mindful and strong and will weather this. Hugs!

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    1. Thanks e! Hugs :o) As long as I'm trying, I think I'll be okay!

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  3. Good luck with your surgery, Hannah. I hope all goes well! It's amazing how much insight you have and how well you explain things. You're very special.

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    1. Thanks Martha :o) You're a pretty special gal yourself!

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  4. Best to you and your surgery. And quick healing as well.

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  5. I wish you all the best, dear Hannah! You will be in my thoughts, as always. Warm hugs and much love.

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    1. Thank you Linda! Hugs and love right back :o)

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  6. Holding you in my heart - and applauding too.

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  7. I'm glad that you got to visit some of your old friends and talk. Sounds like they had some good perspectives to think about. Good luck with your surgery.

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    1. Thanks-and you are right about them having good perspectives. I tend to minimize and it's nice to have people that care call me out!

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  8. I love how much clarity you have here. I too worried a tiny bit about the effects I'd reimmersion on your first home but you definitely have the complicating aspects in plain sight. And all the best for the surgery and recovery. You'll do fine, a step, a day at a time. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you. I hope keeping that awareness will help even when I feel like I can't be as skillful as I'd like :o)

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  9. ...effects of reimmersion in your first home... sheesh, I should proofread.

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  10. No lectures from me. Just hope all will be well for you one day soon.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF