Monday, May 8, 2017

The First Week

We've survived the first week of living with my family. It wasn't all smooth sailing and it did go a bit better than I expected. That said, I did bottom out yesterday. Since I had made it through the week relatively well I had thought that maybe I wasn't going to crash. Well, that's what I did!

I was feeling stressed and weary and lonely already. I'm missing the time with the hubs. Chilling out just the two of us or doing errands. It's all felt very rushed and we haven't had that same alone time. Well, by Saturday evening I wasn't feel well and I was still hanging in there by a thread. I thought a night's rest would fix me right up.

Nope.

Sunday morning was awful. I had no appetite and just picked at my food. When the hubster wasn't looking I threw it away. We went for a walk thinking that would help and it didn't. My face was slack, I wasn't talking much or laughing, and my posture was slumpy and sad. I wasn't able to use my skills to get out of the funk on my own. I was able to recognize things as symptoms and identify feelings instead of take them as permanent and true, so that was a good thing.

When we got home I was weak. Just putting away some laundry wrecked me. I slumped to the floor at the end of our bed to rest. Just holding my bones up was too much. The hubs found me and made me come out to the living area and lie on the couch. I resisted. I didn't want my family to see me like that. He told me that I had no reason to be ashamed. That this is just part of who I am and there is no need to hide.

I laid there and didn't really watch the TV. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, which turned out to be wonderful. When I woke up I was able to make eye contact, communicate my needs, even eat and drink a bit.

From there I started a slow climb out. Taking initiative and getting back into the swing of things. Eating and drinking. Talking and slowly getting back into making eye contact.

While I had self harming and suicidal thoughts, I maintained some perspective and didn't feel overwhelmed or totally bottomed out mentally. The physical aspect of the crash was the worst part. My body ached something fierce and any movement seemed like a monumental effort. I was so weary, so, so weary. Even after my nap I was shuffling around, hunched over and aching. Eventually I started loosening up and straightening up. I was able to do some opposite action and conduct myself as if I were feeling better and that helped bring me up.

By the end of the day I was feeling back to good. I'm still worried about maintaining and improving my mood. I still have to find a healthy normal. I'm not sure I'm at the best gym for me and I'm still settling into a schedule for the day.

Especially challenging in the interpersonal aspect. Living with my sister and mom is quite stressful for me. Being highly sensitive I feel so many emotions around them. I sense a lot of stress and sadness. For many years now there has been a lot of "when I do this, I'll be happy" or "when I have this, I'll be good enough." I've worked a lot trying to get away from that type of thinking so being around that attitude again is a bit triggering and dangerous for me. I also don't want that for my mom and sister! So that's distressing.

Anyways. I think it's time for some hot coffee :o)

The sun has started coming out here and we're having more warm days. It's a relief after such a cold and wet winter. I'm still a bit nervous about sunburn and sweating like a pig when trying to sleep at night!

Happy Monday to all :o)

7 comments:

  1. Moving is always stressful. Sounds like you're well on the way to adjusting though, so good for you!

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  2. You really are doing so great, Hannah. Moving is brutal. Throw in living with others, in this case your family and you have a triple whammy. Keep being gentle to yourself.

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  3. It's very interesting the way you describe the physical manifestations of your mental anguish. You should feel very proud of how quickly you were able to turn around your mood with all of the stressors still present.

    Are you still plugged in with your therapists? Now might be a good time for some reinforcements.

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  4. This is a really stressful move and yet you're doing so well. One day at a time; that's all you can do. Make sure to find time to be kind to yourself.

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  5. You are doing so well. Moving is incredibly stressful. Yay you. And hugs.

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  6. I second what Debra said and then to top it off, you moved in with family. Not the easiest in the world.

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  7. Hugs, Hannah, and one day at a time!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF