Tuesday, June 6, 2017

A Slice of My Recovery...

So… relationships are complicated. I think one of the most complex type of relationship is that between a parent and child. I am going to try to keep that in mind as a I share today and try to not pass judgment. I only want to write and expel and express. For too many years I’ve kept my feelings to myself and I’m trying to be more open. I don’t need to carry these things around for eons! Gonna try and *wink* “Let it Go.”


As most of you know, I’m recovering from surgery. This past Friday I had my fallopian tubes removed via laparoscopic surgery. I have three incision sites on my belly. One in my belly button and two below that on the left and right toward each hip.

Two of the sites are simply tender to the touch and the one on my right is pretty painful. It makes walking painful. It makes getting up and down into chairs or bed painful. Basically any movement. It just depends on how I move whether or not the pain will flare. Coughing and laughing are certainly the most painful. I feel a stab of pain and then a sort of straining/bulging sensation. If you’ve had surgery like this yourself, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about.


Well, the day after my surgery I was lurching around trying to lower myself onto the couch without inducing too much pain. This involved bracing my arms and trying not to engage my abdominal muscles. It was awkward and despite my efforts, still painful. I winced and breathed in sharply before groaning and exhaling slowly. The hubster had been helping me with such things and me being me, I didn’t want to be a burden and went about trying to do it myself.

As I was doing this my mother walked by. Her face was blank and then she grinned and laughed. She went on to say something along the lines of, “Ha! That’s what you get for making me have that c-section! If you had just moved your big ole head… and the other c-section and the (tubal ligation). Ha!”

It really felt like she was a Disney villain taunting and cackling at me.

I was stunned and offended and hurt. Not being the most skilled or practiced at comebacks I managed to say back, “Hey, I got (Baby Bananaface) out and he was 10 lbs 1 oz-you got no excuse!”

She defended herself with some comment about having a small vagina and I’m not sure how things devolved from there. I think it all wrapped itself up rather quickly. I certainly wasn’t able to say anything more myself. Expressing my hurt at the time-that seems nearly impossible with my family!


Later I talked about it with the hubster and told him how hurt I was. I even texted a friend and said something like, “I know my mom loves me, there’s just times like that when it doesn’t feel like it.”

I can’t read minds and I may never know exactly why she said what she said. As I’ve mulled on it past instances of teasing and criticism have come to mind. It’s sad to look back on years of moments where I feel rejected and unloved by my own mother. Years of chipping away at my self-worth. I know that she wasn’t the only source of this, no way! I do see her playing a major role.

Like I said, I mulled her comment over and have been trying to get a grasp on it so I can let it go. What I came up with is a mixture of love and anger. I think she does care about me and was concerned on some level about my pain. I don’t think she knew how to express that. I think on another level she bears a lot of anger and this can cause her to lash out. Maybe seeing how helpful the hubster has been brought up memories of her own pain and managing us kids after her surgeries? Maybe she was annoyed by my surgery disrupting the status quo. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I don’t know.

It hurt. Things like this have been hurting for years. Things like this have made me think about moving far away. Things like this make me think that spending extended periods around my family isn’t the safest, healthiest choice for me.

I’m sure she had her reasons. I have mine too. Wherever our relationship goes in the future, I think I’ll be able to remember that and be okay with what happens. Maybe we’ll find a better way to communicate and maybe we won’t. As long as I can stay healthy and alive for the hubby and BB, that’s what matters most to me.


16 comments:

  1. Dear Hannah I think you've hit the nail on the head regarding your mother's frustration and anger but you are not to blame and I think it is important to know that you can still love her and do what is best for yourself and your family. I'm sorry you feel so hurt by what she said and how she said it. Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you e-hugs to you as well :o)

      Delete
  2. That old phrase 'sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me'?
    Unmitigated crap. Words do hurt, and sometimes leave scars.
    Echoing e, and so proud that you know that being healthy and live for Hubster and BB are important. It is also important that you strive for health and happiness for yourself too. You are important. And valuable.
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Unmitigated crap" for certain. Thank you for your encouragement :o) Hugs

      Delete
  3. Your last paragraph is a beautiful summary of the situation. Your mother may have her problems, but you can't let her problems bring you down. And if you have to have limited contact with her to achieve this, that's okay.

    Living with you parents and sister is incredibly stressful, I know. But if you can keep analyzing the difficulties and what you need to do about them, you are going to be stronger than you ever imagined once you are able to move on. But in the meantime, don't forget to let you husband, friends, and counselors help you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I will try to keep that in mind and remember that I am doing the right things. It becomes increasingly easy to second guess myself in these scenarios!

      Delete
  4. Like EC said, words can really hurt. They can stay with us forever and cause permanent damage. But you hear the words now and know they come from a place of dysfunction and yet, you are rising above it. I continue to be proud and in awe of you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was just telling my husband this evening when we were out for coffee that some people don't have a filter between their brain and their mouth. They will never change, sadly. Words can hurt very deeply and I really wish people would think before they speak, but for some, it's just they way they are wired. I'm sorry you were hurt this way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. In all honesty it sounds in writing like a quip to me, meant to be funny. Many people use humor to try to cover their concern and also to as a way to try to get another's mind off of pain, hurt or disappointment. Yet, I did not see her face or hear her tone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right that it may have been meant in jest... unfortunately that can sound pretty harsh in my family. I am getting better at shrugging off the biting sarcasm and they still feeling cutting to me. I am trying to find a way where I can extract the concern from deep within the hurtful comment and take that-it just isn't working well. I tend to think, "Why would you make that hurtful comment if you don't resent me?"

      Delete
    2. Perhaps better question to them is "Why can't you be considerate of how this makes me feel?" It's on them. 😉❤

      Delete
  7. It is always hard to live with our parents after we've been on our own. Throw in recovery from surgery and pain, and it's an emotional minefield. Good for you, processing it here, acknowledging your hurt, shining the light on it until it takes up less room inside you. I hope the pain, physical and emotional, is easing by now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. It is very good to be reassured that my methods are a better way to go! I'm not sure that it's easing just yet-I made the mistake of lifting up BB last night during a middle-of-the-night upset! and my mom and I still aren't jiving. Day by day!

      Delete

Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF