So… relationships are complicated. I think one of the most complex type of relationship is that between a parent and child. I am going to try to keep that in mind as a I share today and try to not pass judgment. I only want to write and expel and express. For too many years I’ve kept my feelings to myself and I’m trying to be more open. I don’t need to carry these things around for eons! Gonna try and *wink* “Let it Go.”
As most of you know, I’m recovering from surgery. This past Friday I had my fallopian tubes removed via laparoscopic surgery. I have three incision sites on my belly. One in my belly button and two below that on the left and right toward each hip.
Two of the sites are simply tender to the touch and the one on my right is pretty painful. It makes walking painful. It makes getting up and down into chairs or bed painful. Basically any movement. It just depends on how I move whether or not the pain will flare. Coughing and laughing are certainly the most painful. I feel a stab of pain and then a sort of straining/bulging sensation. If you’ve had surgery like this yourself, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about.
Well, the day after my surgery I was lurching around trying to lower myself onto the couch without inducing too much pain. This involved bracing my arms and trying not to engage my abdominal muscles. It was awkward and despite my efforts, still painful. I winced and breathed in sharply before groaning and exhaling slowly. The hubster had been helping me with such things and me being me, I didn’t want to be a burden and went about trying to do it myself.
As I was doing this my mother walked by. Her face was blank and then she grinned and laughed. She went on to say something along the lines of, “Ha! That’s what you get for making me have that c-section! If you had just moved your big ole head… and the other c-section and the (tubal ligation). Ha!”
It really felt like she was a Disney villain taunting and cackling at me.
I was stunned and offended and hurt. Not being the most skilled or practiced at comebacks I managed to say back, “Hey, I got (Baby Bananaface) out and he was 10 lbs 1 oz-you got no excuse!”
She defended herself with some comment about having a small vagina and I’m not sure how things devolved from there. I think it all wrapped itself up rather quickly. I certainly wasn’t able to say anything more myself. Expressing my hurt at the time-that seems nearly impossible with my family!
Later I talked about it with the hubster and told him how hurt I was. I even texted a friend and said something like, “I know my mom loves me, there’s just times like that when it doesn’t feel like it.”
I can’t read minds and I may never know exactly why she said what she said. As I’ve mulled on it past instances of teasing and criticism have come to mind. It’s sad to look back on years of moments where I feel rejected and unloved by my own mother. Years of chipping away at my self-worth. I know that she wasn’t the only source of this, no way! I do see her playing a major role.
Like I said, I mulled her comment over and have been trying to get a grasp on it so I can let it go. What I came up with is a mixture of love and anger. I think she does care about me and was concerned on some level about my pain. I don’t think she knew how to express that. I think on another level she bears a lot of anger and this can cause her to lash out. Maybe seeing how helpful the hubster has been brought up memories of her own pain and managing us kids after her surgeries? Maybe she was annoyed by my surgery disrupting the status quo. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I don’t know.
It hurt. Things like this have been hurting for years. Things like this have made me think about moving far away. Things like this make me think that spending extended periods around my family isn’t the safest, healthiest choice for me.
I’m sure she had her reasons. I have mine too. Wherever our relationship goes in the future, I think I’ll be able to remember that and be okay with what happens. Maybe we’ll find a better way to communicate and maybe we won’t. As long as I can stay healthy and alive for the hubby and BB, that’s what matters most to me.