Thursday, July 13, 2017

Commercial Breaks

It would seem that this MTV special (AKA my sister's life) is ongoing and trying to script in my family.

We had a wonderful trip to visit my in-laws. Parks, visiting old friends, good food, and good talks. It was relaxing and rejuvenating. Maybe just not rejuvenating enough.

Our weekend was marred by confusing texts and snaps from my family. My sister and mom would snap happy, silly, goofy stuff that would make me feel like everything was simmering down and everyone was moving on. Then we'd get texts about "I talked to my lawyer friend..." or "I really need to know if you or [the hubster] had anything to do with this."

It's like the good times were just short commercial breaks from all the shit! Confusing and stressful!

At one point we were out to dinner with the hubby's sister and had a great, in-depth chat about the CPS system and how investigations work. She had worked at APS for a while and knows people in CPS so she was a great resource.

That chat calmed me down a bit and then more crap came down the tubes. Some more texts freaking me out and pissing the hubster off. He ended up calling my father and telling him, "this needs to stop, Hannah is not handling the stress of this well and hasn't been very good overall the last couple months and we need to make sure she stays safe."

Apparently they seemed to reach a reasonable place of understanding and the next time my sister texted us the hubby took over and told her to stop harassing his family which seemed to shut that down.

Still, I was really anxious about coming back from our mini-vacay. I expected the Ice Queen treatment from my sister, what I didn't expect was my anxiety presenting in an overly chatty, outgoing type of way that was really confusing for everyone...

The hubs kept telling me I needed to get it together and then things spiraled a bit. It was a bad night. Thankfully not suicidal although there were definitely a lot of self-harming urges. I ended up sobbing quite loudly into my pillows at one point because I was so frustrated with the whole kit-n-kaboodle: living here, my sister, my parents, my nephew, my family's well-being, the pets.... The dam broke.

The next evening my mother returned from her trip outta state. I was very anxious to see her and confused a bit by the mixed emotions I sensed during the initial "welcome back" conversation. She was giddy and sharing all her travel stories and then took a break to go do laundry or something. After she returned, the atmosphere became darker, stressful and she said something like, "Well, I know there was some action that went down here while I was gone and we're gonna be talking about that."

It felt ominous and threatening and my already heightened anxiety stepped up a few notches. Thankfully I didn't cry and was able to say something like, "I can't talk about that right now. My anxiety has been really bad the last week."

It feels like a witch hunt. I haven't felt entirely safe here anyways and now I feel like I'm constantly on guard.

I don't know how things will work out and I'm trying to avoid replaying possibilities over and over in my head. That said, I think I've come to realize that living around my family just isn't healthy for me and waiting around for them to become safe to be around isn't a safe choice. I don't know what things will look like in the future, it certainly doesn't look like we'll be living around this area for much longer.

I'm okay with that. I'm okay with distancing, I'm okay with building a life that works for the hubby, BB, and myself that might not involve my family. It will probably be tricky and emotionally rocky, I think it will be worth it though. I need to get back on that positive progress path and keep moving onward and upward. I don't want to be stalling out and backsliding and getting entrenched in childhood muck over and over...

I'm moving on. It's a big rope tying me to this baggage and I'm starting to saw away at it. Come what may.



***Whew. That felt pretty dramatic.... talking about my sister's life being an MTV special and I just felt like I was in "Pirates of the Caribbean!"


9 comments:

  1. I hope you, BB and your husband can find a place to live that is safe, healthy and comfortable, whether you own a house or not. No house or possession is worth risking your well being. Hugs!

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  2. Echoing e. Well being (physical, mental, emotional) is so very important, and too often underrated by those who have never been fragile. Hugs.

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  3. Hannah, I echo the comments above, and I wish you and your family love, peace and joy!

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  4. As you know, that environment is not healthy for anyone--fragile or not. I'm very glad that you were able to tell your mother that you couldn't talk about things right now. Keep setting your boundaries and soon you will be in a new place with the hubs and BB.

    And the rest of your family will have to sort themselves out on their own. My friend told me something the other day that helped me when I couldn't get another friend to do something that she really needed to do. I was pulled aside by the friend listening to all of this and she said, "You can't care any more about it than she does." That made me stop and think. I doesn't matter that I made complete sense and it was the best thing, if she didn't care enough to do it, I wasn't going to change that. I usually say, "I can't control other people" which means essentially the same thing. However, the phrase of "You can't care anymore than they do," jives better with me. That would be one of the many things I would be telling myself if I were in your situation.

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  5. As a person who needs to pay super close attention to keeping a balanced and stress-free life I understand your desire to get away from the chaos. Over the last year or so I have had to let go of two people that I tried so hard to love. My expectations for a loving and close relationship were not met. It causes me so much anxiety and sadness. But in the long run, a clean break is best for me. And I believe that distancing yourselves from the chaos will be best for you and your family. It's hard. It's so hard! Almost impossible when it's family. But for me, and possibly you, it's what I need to not go over the edge.

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  6. I'm sorry for all these struggles, Hannah, that are causing you such grief. I hope you and your family find a place that is safe for you. Your health and wellbeing are the most important thing. Just like good fences make good neighbors, distance sometimes makes for better family relationships. Take care of you. Be well.

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  7. Delete the texts and/or snaps without reading them. Never respond to any. Concentrate on your own life.

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  8. I'm sorry, this is not what you need when you're already dealing with anxiety. Hugs! You can email anytime.

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  9. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. It sounds as if you are staying conscious of your emotions and needs, which is the first step to liberating yourself and your family from this MTV special.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF