Monday, July 17, 2017

Where we're at... (with random pics)

Hasn't been a bed of roses, not that that'll surprise any of ya! It hasn't been disaster either, so that's good.

This past weekend my parents, the hubster, and I had a "fireside chat" about the CPS drama. It was stressful for me although I did pretty well overall. I was able to express myself without stirring the pot too much and stand up for myself a little.

BB developin' his style

That said, I don't think they were interested in really hearing my point of view. They summed up the entire issue as a "difference in parenting styles," even after I'd said something about "we understand that, there's certain things that cross the line for us though." Didn't seem to land in their brains at all.

Same for any allusion to emotional abuse or trauma. My concerns for my nephew seemed to be dismissed as me being overly sensitive. My mother defended my sister by reminding us "BB used to be that age once" and "she's doing the best she can and I think she's doing a great job."

Well, hate to break it to ya Mom, "a great job" by your definition seems to mean a lifelong battle with mental illness, self worth, and negative coping habits. "A great job" seems to mean ignoring a child in need and supplementing emotional support and love with impulse buys and sweets. (A-I know she did what she could for us and I think I've mostly forgiven that aspect, it just pisses me off when she invalidates my feelings and opinions as an adult B-I think everyone has some issue from childhood, nobody is a perfect parent)

I like to assume that everyone is doing their best... and I'm not sure if my personal hurt is getting in the way of me being able to believe that this is the best my family can do or whether I still believe they can do better? I really think I'm giving up on that latter part.

Shaved ice w/ Daddy

Speaking to the hubs last night, I struggled to express my frustration and grief regarding my family. I'm fed up. I'm not willing to put myself and my family at risk to wait around for rare moments of encouragement or empathy. I'm not willing to bite my tongue and invalidate my opinions to avoid conflict. I've spent decades repressing my opinion, negating my existing, and letting others put me down while they desperately try to make themselves feel better... screw that.

My parents closed the fireside discussion with a mandate stating that I need to give my sister an apology. (Mind you, we had established during the discussion that neither myself or the hubby had called and that we thought it must've been my therapist concerned about the things I'd shared with her***)

So apologize for what?

The hubs told me later that it would be a political, meaningless apology. The parents seemed to think that I should say I'm sorry that she's had to go through this... which I could interpret as empathy. I will not, however, apologize in any way that implies guilt. The words "sorry" or "I apologize" ain't crossin' these lips. I'm not even sure how sorry I am that she's had to go through this... I want her to have a wake up call! I want her to think more about how she's mothering my nephew! That means distress, that means the friction of change, that means unpleasantness.

Hiking. He decided he was done
and hopped on the Momma Express!

Still messy. Still getting the cold shoulder. Still tense. I'm trying to refocus on my health and keeping busy with BB and away from the house as much as I can. The hubs is looking into housing options and we're planning a road trip first week of August as our summer vacation/getaway.

Feeling myself slipping and thinking those negative thoughts, having more and more unhealthy impulses, and living in fear instead of living in the now. Things have to change. Tryin' to dance with my family ain't working-I have to get my own rhythm back!

Feel like an over-emotional rebel expressing all these messy feelings... I think these tough transitions in life should feel uncomfortable and challenging, right? Especially for someone that doesn't have a lot of practice having an opinion? *shrug* *sigh* Doin' what I can!

***Did what we had to do, ya know?


  1. Family dynamics. Sigh. Messy, ugly and often dangerous. Traditions are not always positive things.
    Love that you are able to stand up for yourself more. And suspect that more will grow.

    1. Thanks Sue :o) Hugs. I am gonna try. I figure it feels so uncomfortable because I've never really tried hard at this before! Maybe a mistake, we shall see. Besides, doin' what I've been doin' with my family sure ain't helping me none!

  2. Yay you for standing up for yourself and for this post. I hope you and your family can find a healthier living arrangement and limit your time with the rest. Hugs and I love the photo of you and Baby Banana Face.

    1. Thanks e! And glad you liked the photo :o)

  3. so your T alerted the social services... without telling you??

    Anyway, I think you are brilliant by keeping your head screwed on right! And I can't wait for your trip away to start!

    1. We are implying that my T called without my knowledge... and even though we thought my family would accept that and get off or backs, I still seem to be catching flack and being blamed.

  4. You need to move out if you are financially able to. This living situation does not sound healthy. Everyone in the household is under a lot of stress.

    1. Yep. We are planning to be out by the end of August. It's not healthy in many ways-the only thing we can do much about is how it's affecting us and darnit, that's what we're gonna do. Just gotta hang in there til it happens.

  5. Glad to hear you're moving out soon. All your vulnerabilities from childhood are being stoked. Not a good situation. I know you love them, but if you can love them from a safe distance, that would be better. Families can be so emotionally complicated.


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF