Saturday, August 26, 2017

Identities

I'm sure I've written about this before here. It comes up rather often for me, so it may just be a recurring theme in my life! As the hubster just comforted me, "It's the BPD. You have identity issues." That's okay.

So.

This morning as the hubster, Baby Bananaface, and I were eating brekkie we overheard my sister talking to her baby daddy about their mutual birthday gift idea for my nephew. He'll be turning two this fall and they've decided to go in on a motorized miniature Humvee for him. Not our style or something we see as appropriate for a child that age (or even BB's age).

Shortly thereafter I was in the shower and found myself playing out a scene in my head. It got me wondering if my sister sees our different parenting styles in a competitive light. I hope this isn't so as much as I struggle with insecurity and competitiveness, so I understand how she might feel.

The competitive conflict triggered my identity insecurities. While the initial trigger was related to parenting styles, I found myself thinking about my labels. I have embodied a klutzy fat girl persona for so many years it seems as much a part of me as my "Eeyore" identity in my family.

These labels, these judgments, stem from comparison and either/or thinking. In my case, the teasing and criticism over the years has reinforced and amplified these issues; I believe it's a symptom of my family's insecurities...

I've been seeing it come up at my gym among other places. Living with my family has made it extremely hard to avoid backsliding into those negative cycles and cowing to their teasing. I know part of me is my humor, there are more and more times of late when it comes up as a defense mechanism. Being around my family has made me slip back into my klutzy, fat girl routine. Even if I don't finish last or lift the lightest weight, I feel like the CrossFit caboose. I play down my abilities, doubt myself, and get caught up in chronic comparisons.

The constant internal critiquing is exhausting and debilitating. I had made a lot of progress with my self-confidence the past several months before moving here. Lately, it's been hard to stay comfortable in my body and appreciate the changes since I started working out.

My family may be varsity athletes, collegiate-level athletes, and nationally ranked athletes. That doesn't mean that I can't be athletic too.

I suffer from chronic depressive episodes. That doesn't mean that I can't be a happy person.

I carry extra weight. That doesn't mean that I have to ashamed and self-conscious.

There are so many negative habits from my first family that I have to fight back. These are just some of those habits that have become tangled up in my disorders.

It can be so confusing and destabilizing! No wonder I have to write it out from time to time ;o)


Wishing everyone a happy weekend! As far as my health status of late, I've been feeling much safer although the hubs and I keenly aware of my fragile status and susceptibility right now. We've been working in more time out of the house and avoiding triggers. Our backup plan involves me moving in my in-laws for a bit if things get dangerous again.

<3

11 comments:

  1. I too revert (quickly) to my largely mythological self when I spend much time with my family. I am not weak. I am not stupid. But too easily slip into feeling that I am.
    Love that you have a back-up plan.
    Hugs.

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    1. Thanks Sue :o) Hugs. Glad we have people in our lives that can see the real us when we forget from time to time!

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  2. I absolutely detest this saying because it's so trendy but I will say it anyway.

    You've got this, Hannah.

    You may struggle but you *do* know that there is a different path, the right one.

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    1. Thank you, Birdie. :o) I will find my way again

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  3. It's really hard to break these habits but if anyone can do it, I believe you can! You have so much insight that it's mind boggling. Definitely an asset!

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    1. Thank you :o) I've been told I can be insightful, although sometimes it feels like a good thing and other times bad!

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  4. I relate to this so much. The constant internal critique...the default identities around family....gah!

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    1. Yes! Being around them again has brought back all those internal scripts that took me so long to quiet down. It is strangely validating experiencing their treatment and realizing, "Well no wonder I lost the will to live!"

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  5. I wish you could see yourself from the outside (and not your family's view). I am always impressed with your physical exercise. You do a much better job than I have ever done. Instead of your family's teasing, try to think about your last gym and all of the positive feedback you got there.

    As Plowing said, you have enough insight, that you can get through this and make it better. We're here cheering you every step of the way.

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    1. Thank you so much! That is a good idea about replacing the negative voices on my family with the positive feedback from my friends and compatriots :o)

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  6. We are always so much more than our mind makes us think... maybe you'd like to listen to:

    https://www.tarabrach.com/releasing-limiting-beliefs/

    You are doing awesome!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF