Saturday, January 6, 2018

Still Here

Tomorrow the hubster foiled my would-be attempt by having my dad drop by the apartment unannounced. My dad took care of BB while I slept most of the afternoon (or laid in the dark contemplating new strategies) and until the hubby got home that evening.

Apparently the hubster got me into a drug trial down in Portland. Since things with ECT have slowed down because of needing that EKG and bloodwork (which seems so simple) he wanted to act more quickly.

Feeling broken. Broken and split. I can feel that my brain isn't working. Part of me feels like ending my life is the best thing for everyone involved. Part of me sees the illness and a life worth living as separate... as the hubster was having me say last night, "I'm out of my mind." That bout covers it.

One day at a time. Gonna be under supervision for foreseeable future. Can't blame them considering I was driving in the rain without my windshield wipers on going 55 in the right lane completed spaced yesterday...

Life is messy right now.


Had a few interesting dreams and stories to share-maybe later. My head hurts and food must be consumed.

Be well.

14 comments:

  1. Your family and friends love you and need you. I hope you'll soon feel well again, dear girl.

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  2. Thank you for letting us know. I ache for how bad you are feeling and send, like everyone else, heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.

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  3. Right now depression is telling you the same lies it always does. Your family does need you. They do. I know it’s so hard to have both your heart and head knowing it at the same time.
    Keep hanging on, Hannah. Nobody is better off without you. You are important and needed.

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  4. What’s the orange stuff in the sink on your header?

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    1. Ya know, I'm not sure! I think it's an orange/vanilla float? It was just an interesting, colorful splat!

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  5. No one is better off without you. BB and the Hubster need you as well as a wealth of friends both near and far. You've been better before and you will get better again although I realize that's hard for you to realize sometimes. I'm Thankful that you have a caring family that can help take care of you until you get better. Sending hugs to you and your family.

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  6. I hope you will get the help you need soon. You driving incident is a danger to yourself and a danger to others. You should not be driving at this time.

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    1. It is true, I have not driven all week nor plan to for a week or more yet!

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  7. Dear Hannah, you are so much more than this temporary (and shit, recurring) illness! You are way beyond misfiring nerve endings! Love from Amsterdam

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  8. Here's to you getting yourself better.
    Much love and hugs, your way.

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  9. I really hope things get better. I definitely relate to the best thing for everyone involved if I die thoughts. It's a bad place, but it's just one room in a large house. Like the fancy living room you weren't allowed into as a kid. Sometimes you just find yourself there and you know it's a bad place to be because your parents might kill you, but you can always leave, and even though you might go back, there's also the strong possibility that you'll never go back because you're finally totally ok with just keeping to the rest of the house.

    If that makes no sense, I apologise. I'm overtired.

    <3

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  10. I have been gone but sounds like things have been rough for you. Hope blue skies soon.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF