Thursday, June 27, 2013

Switchin' Things Up

Saw my ND on the 21st and have been on a different supplement lineup since.

I noticed positive changes up til yesterday and the last two days have been crappy.

Damn feng shui!

Funny and pathetic how feng shui has become a trigger for me. I was trying to improve the apartment's energy and became overwhelmed with a book that made it seem like everyone should know flying star feng shui or be able to pick it up right off the bat.

Uh. No.

My perfectionism was flaring up like a bum knee and before ya knew it I was down and out. Achy, naps, horrible self-talk, feeling worthless.

Still upset about my weight but unable to do much. With hardly any appetite eating has become a chore and only the crappy foods sound good. Between the welts from my clothes being too tight and snippets from my mother floating around in my brain ("Don't you ever get those arm rolls like whatshername") I've been feeling pretty hopeless and pretty sad.

Still lonely, although I have been able to go out to some game group meetings.

The hubby and I are going camping instead of the traditional family BBQ at my parents' yet I still feel anxious. Maybe for the backlash that might ensue but it kinda feels like the familiar "4th of July is coming, I'm still fat, I'm still me, I'm going to get teased" anxiety.

What I lovely life I had led thus far. Unfortunately I missed my dose of spring hope and now feel like an overheated hippo lost in the Sahara.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Kevin Breel Ted Talk

Thank you Kevin Breel. Such a good speaker even with such a tough topic.

Right now I can't imagine stepping back from the ledge and standing in the light looking back on these suicidal days from a better place.

Maybe I will.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Rocky Road Continues

Another week of ups and downs on the Hannah-front.

This afternoon was acupuncture and I cried a lot. The acupuncturist recommended I see a different specialist for something called "Foot Zone Therapy." She described the therapy as something like reflexology but said that this lady has some special healing skills that go beyond any certain specialty.

I felt like a failure. Like I'd flunked out of acupuncture.

My acupuncturist had to reiterate that this was just a recommendation and that she would continue seeing me, she just thinks that I need a little something extra to make a break through and get unstuck.

Just a little much for me on a day when I've felt lost and hopeless already.

One more pothole after so many doozies.

In other news, I was down south on Sunday visiting the family and Dad for Father's Day. It went pretty well overall but sucked emotionally.

I was teased a lot and felt more and more lonely as the day went on. So miserable feeling like I need support and then feeling isolated from my family, the ones that are supposed to be there for me no matter what.

It's been hard. And as much as I need tender loving care, I just feel more resentment and disgust with myself.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Video Blog Update

Here's another video update for the blog. I haven't done a video update in quite a bit, but since I've had a hard time talking about what's going on the last couple weeks I thought a video post might be a good option.

So here's what has been going on the last couple weeks, like one of those news website rundowns!

Sunday, June 2nd-Major suicidal episode (no attempts) after evening walk

Monday, June 3rd-Called in resignation to part-time job

Tuesday, June 4th-Mild suicidal episode in afternoon, haircut that morning

Wednesday, June 5th-ND appointment

Thursday, June 6th-Acupuncture appointment, last day at PAWS

Friday, June 7th-Therapy appointment

Saturday, June 8th-Board game group meeting, scheduled phone check-up w/ ND didn't happen

Monday, June 10th-Phone check-up, "not much better, not really worse"

Tuesday, June 11th-Hike at Lake Twenty-Two, voicemail about insurance snafu

Wednesday, June 12th-Therapy appointment, insurance snafu, acupuncture appointment

Friday, June 14th-Hubby at work, lonely slow day, prayer talk and tears evening, anxiety about visit to hometown planned for Sunday

My acupuncturist said that she needed 6-8 weeks to see if therapy was working. It's been 3 weeks so far. She also recommended staggering my therapy appointments with my acupuncture appointments to give me more emotional coverage.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Still Pluggin' Along

My suicidal episode on Sunday, June 2nd was pretty bad and while I had two subsequent episodes, fortunately they weren't quite as severe.

My sleeping has ticked up and housekeeping has fallen by the wayside. Appetite is bothersome, going from not wanting anything to ravenously cranky and every whiny stop in between.

The hubby's new work schedule is a positive change although adjusting to the change affects my moods. We've been able to go on a couple hikes this week which we haven't done in months.

I've been able to get in nearly all my supplements for the past couple days but it's been tough to keep myself on the pill party.

Overall I seem to be recovering from my episodes sooner but I'm still discouraged.

Hope to write more later, just been having a hard time sorting out all the happenings and feelings and such to be posted!

Monday, June 3, 2013

Last Night Was Darker Than Usual

Last night was a bad night.

Interestingly the evening started out all right with Golden Girls and dinner and a walk.

On the way home we started talking about me and this job thing. Before long things went beyond downhill.

It started with me crying in the shower and ended with me suicidal. 

I should've seen it coming when I started chain-watching Golden Girls earlier in the day when I really wanted to be working my way through a six-pack. Later, I ended up drinking Kahlua and coffee wanting to get work off my mind. 

Not good.

No, I didn't get drunk but the fact that I wanted to is a flag.

This suicidal episode basically boiled down to thinking that I don't have a place in this world, that I can't cope with working, that I'll never "get my act together" and that I don't deserve to live.

I laid down in bed with my eyes closed, refusing to talk while the hub asked if I was safe, what I was thinking. I wasn't safe. I was suicidal, planning to clean the house and donate my things the next day and not come home.

Somehow the hubby got through to me, got me talking again and we agreed that I shouldn't go back to this job. He stayed by me this morning when I made the call. I left a resignation voice mail.

I realized the timing of this episode matched those I had so often the last couple of years. Late Sunday night. For whatever reason, that's my danger zone (or one of them.)

The hubster tried to reassure me this morning that I made the right decision but I still feel like a worthless bum.