Friday, August 23, 2013

This Is What Happens....

This is what happens when crazy hormonal Hannah goes beserk when he brings home the wrong chocolate.... He brings home the right chocolate and rubs it in your face! Chocolate coma-here we come!

Monday, August 19, 2013

Funny Stuff

Some funny things goin' on lately....

1) I was crampy and assumed it was gastrointestinal, so I rubbed my tummy and moaned on the couch while the hubster asked, "Did you take any Advil? That's what you normally do for bad menstrual cramps, right?" To which I snapped, "I didn't say they were menstrual!" Within a few minutes however, I went to go pee and discovered there were indeed menstrual cramps. Wifey-0 Hubby-1

2) We hosted a going away dinner for my brother and had my family over. The dinner went swimmingly, as I had made two desserts the day before, put the lasagna together the evening prior, and made the manicotti that morning. But the best part of the day wasn't the food, it was the funny:

A) My dad saying, "I queefed."
B) The hubster accidentally repeating answers other players had provided while maintaining an air of confidence and remaining completely clueless as to his cluelessness.
C) My family pushing the Toyota Matrix around the parking lot trying to jump start/charge the battery.
D) Did I mention the family pushing the car around like in "Little Miss Sunshine?"

3) Funny feelings after reading some F'book posts about my high school sweetheart getting married this weekend. My stomach flipped and twirled and I felt a sense of grief, almost like we'd broken up again-even though it's been around 8 years! Not to mention 3 years since I've even seen the man! So odd how love leaves residue...

4) I spilled an entire cup of coffee on the couch.

5) The hubster's Double Gulp tipped over and dripped over the other side of the couch and carpet.

6) I complained about the router tripping out again and the hubster came home with a brand spanking new router and replaced it immediately. Funny how you adapt to a crappy situation and go on living with it even with a simple solution waiting right in front of you.

In other news, no Millie-piss incidents, snipped a small snag/mat out of Fio's hair, and Iroh has been helping himself to my desk fountain at his leisure, even stepping over my typing hands to do so!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Tired and Loopy

I have been on call for two clients and now I'm down to one!

This birth wasn't quite as long as the 4-day induction I attended at the beginning of the year, but I'm tired all the same and chuggin along a little slower, and a little off-center (well,  more so than usual).

There was a moment when I was tired and wondering if I should be a doula but those doubts faded fast with the miracle of birth and a couple of ego-boosting compliments from my client and one of the birth center staff.

The hubster was out of town the past couple days and I really missed him. As annoyed as I get sometimes sharing a bed I really don't like sleeping alone anymore!

In pet news, Millie hasn't pissed on anything for weeks! *knocksonwood* Iroh has some stunning bald patches and Fio seems to be following his lead and over-grooming above his tail as well. Oh the neurotic pets never let up, do they?!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Bad Days Start The Night Before

This is usually the case for me-a bad day put in motion by a bad night.

Last night I couldn't sleep. It wasn't my usual tossing and turning, I was nearly convulsing with pent up energy and frustration, anger and grief. My head hurt and my mind was racing. I must've sat straight up or on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands half-a-dozen times before the hubster got me Xanax and water.

Eventually I calmed down and fell asleep.

Then this morning he tried to get me out of bed to go take a walk with the dog.

It didn't go well.

I don't remember all the ins and outs but he ended up pulling me out of bed onto the floor and I ended up curling into a defensive fetal position as he grappled with me trying to get me up.

It hurt. I felt bullied. It reminded me of my mom forcing me to exercise or telling me over and over again what I already know and just can't seem to do for myself.

Wasn't long before I broke. Sobbing and tucking myself into as tight a blob I could manage pressed into the corner between mattress and carpet.

"It's true." I mumbled, thinking that it was finally for certain that I was worthless, that I wasn't enough and I never would be. "I knew it." My feeling of loneliness and isolation was finally complete with his betrayal. He'd given up on me, I'd finally broken his resolve, tapped out his reserve of patience and love. I was officially the lost cause I'd felt like for the last 9 months.

The next few hours I didn't make any eye contact and hardly spoke. Hobbled around as my body ached and lurched following my mental/physical break at my bedside.

He tried to apologize. I hardly acknowledged. I drank some water and watched Iroh eat kibble. Laid on the floor while he took the dog out for a potty break.

At some point he drew a bath for me and I made it into the hot water, hardly soothed but eventually I laid back and even fell asleep (only to wake up to a horrible crick in my neck).

The rest of the day was slow and dysfunctional. I stressed about a dinner date with my parents but it ended up being the highlight of my day.

It was nice to get out and chat, but I can't help wondering how aware they are of my problems. If tomorrow I lost it completely and offed myself how shocked those around me would be, if they would see it coming at all, understand how I've struggled lately, or if they assume I have a normal functional life like I assume everyone else around me has.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Got Me Thinking....

Today I've been into watching "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" back-to-back-to-back and I was surprised to find myself getting to like some people I never thought I would: Alec Baldwin and Sarah Silverman. I guess a part of me always kinda liked them but resisted admitting to it because they come off as "bad" or "dirty."

Oh we are such complex mental creatures.

So after my binge I Googled around and found myself looking into Sarah Silverman and discovered she has been open about her own depression and I ended up reading an article like no article I'd ever seen before.

This article.

I don't agree with all of it, but the topic is one I can relate to and haven't yet looked into myself, outside personal conversations and consideration. Should depressed people (or those with other mental disorders or health conditions) have children? Not only for the risk of passing on the pain but also the risk of exposing that child to the parent's pain.

I've thought about this and talked to my husband about it too, should someone like me have children? Should I risk bestowing this struggle to another generation? Deep inside I still waver. The louder voice says, "Have kids, you want to, you've planned to for as long as you can remember. Follow your heart. Just do it." Then another voice *ahems* into the conversation with wibbly wobbly objection and fear.

I guess there will always be the chance my kids have issues with depression. There will always be a chance that they see this part of me, that I relapse and they experience my episodes and it impacts their lives for better or worse.

There's always the chance that the world will end in a fiery (howinthehelldidIspellthatrightthefirstime?) ball of meteoric fury and my children will be burned into piles of ash within seconds at any moment.

There's always a chance.

For better or worse.

Do I live in fear or embrace love and live in hope?

Saturday, August 3, 2013

More Egg Wonders

The hubster and I were driving along I-5 and saw a tanker truck in front us emblazoned with "Willamette Egg Farms" and found ourselves wondering why an egg farm would have a tanker truck. We'd never seen an egg tanker before, only regular freight trucks or the yucky open air chicken transporters.

We finally figured it must be for hauling liquid egg mix or "just whites" products and then we got to wondering how they managed to crack and separate all those eggs in an industrial manner.

Cue the Google search! And wouldn't ya know it? Willamette Egg Farms themselves had a video about it!

Now we know!