Wednesday, October 29, 2014

My Bad

Little stressed this week as I discovered a little too late that my thyroid script was expired. The ole "3 refills out of...." with the "until 10.24.14" on the other side of the bottle where I didn't see it. Whoops!

I've been scrambling to get more pills but due to the fact that I don't want to see the doctor that prescribed them I've got myself in a bit of a pickle. Add to the anxiety over "scary doctor lady" that I'm pregnant and don't want to screw up my body chemistry with too many missed doses and I'm a little hair-brained at the moment.

Thankfully I was able to get an appointment with the ND (a lady that I actually like) this Friday and hopefully will be able to get more meds then. Even though I like my ND I was struck with some anxiety over seeing her again, namely because I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and haven't updated her. Whoops?

I guess it slipped my mind, or it wasn't a priority or (actually) I have been harboring some shame and have been avoiding the interaction.

Why shame? Probably because I saw this woman while I was at my worst in the throws of bipolar depression and pretty dang crazy and a bit of me feels guilty for even being pregnant, like I'm not qualified. It's been over 8 months since I've been in to the ND's office and a lot has changed. Mainly, I'm pregnant, but also I'm doing my own thing, managing my health and not needing to go to the doctors' every other week! It's awesome. But I still feel ashamed that I'm pregnant when I was so sick and dysfunctional not so long ago....

My darling husband said something very sweet while reassuring me that I wasn't "one of those people that shouldn't ever have kids." He said, "You're not one of those people who shouldn't have kids, you're one of those people that needs to have kids because you have goodness to share. You mind may be a troubled mind but it's a beautiful mind too."

The hubby was kind enough to remind me that it doesn't matter what others think and that most of the mean thoughts I'm afraid others' are thinking are just my thoughts about myself. I weakly mentioned maybe my low self-esteem has affected my ability to validate my decision to become a parent and he agreed that I need to "go your own way," promptly cuing up Fleetwood Mac to make his point.

He also emphasized that I've made a lot of progress. Sure, I still have episodes but I'm coping much better, rebounding much quicker, and not succumbing to as many as I have in the past. I'm also off of all psychoactive drugs, the only scripts I take right now are thyroid and folic acid. I haven't lost all my "depression weight" but I have been eating better and exercising more, taking my Vitamin D and the prenatals. I'm not a health nut but doing pretty well.

It's difficult for me to feel good about myself and where I am. I constantly look for what needs to be improved or where I'm falling short, but when I really try I can see that I've made a lot of positive changes and that I'm not in the same place that I was. I am healthier and I am allowed to decide when I want to have children, and the hubster and I made the decision and we're happy with it. Doesn't matter a lick what anyone else thinks!

So, I will navigate this speed bump with the extra stress of shame and anxiety, hoping that on the other side I'll have a little more self-assurance and pride than I when I hit the bump to begin with! I'm going to try and maintain some pride and self-love while combating that shame during my appointment Friday... Guess we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

In other news, I'm becoming more frustrated with the cloud of negativity that seems to surround pregnancy. Maybe it's just the women I'm around or the current culture? Either way it seems like a lot of criticism, fear, and pity-not a pleasant cocktail. I've been trying to find positive birth stories and influences but it seems the best medicine is avoiding media and uncensored input (not that that helps deflect the years of memories and associations in my brain). Mindfulness and enjoying the present helps, focusing on my baby's movements and how well this pregnancy has gone so far, just being joyous and grateful seems like a bit of non-violent protest!

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Be well, HBF